Here's Your Video Of Kash Patel Humiliating Himself Before Congress, His Family And [Hic!] Trump

KA$H PATEL IS NOT AS [HIC!] MARGARITAS AS CHRIS VAN HOLLEN IS [HIC] MARGARITAS!

May 13, 2026

We know Donald Trump famously loves it when his appointees act defiant toward those he considers his enemies. But does that count when when their “defiance” is them screaming I’M NOT DRUNK YOU’RE DRUNK, MAYBE THE BARTENDER SHOULD CUTTTTTTTTTSHEWWWWW OFF NAH ME?

Or something similar?

We are just asking.

There was one of those moments yesterday, and for an authoritarian president whose brother died of alcoholism, one wonders what Trump was really seeing when he watched this exchange in the Senate between Ka$h Can’t Walk In A Straight Line Good (Allegedly!) Patel and Chris Van Hollen, the senator from Maryland.

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Van Hollen asked a serious question, based on recent reports that have many, many sources. And Kash Patel just fell apart. Does this look manly and cool and defiant to Donald Trump?

VAN HOLLEN: You agree, Director Patel, that if one of your agents was unable to perform his or her duties because of excessive drinking, you would need to take corrective or disciplinary action. You agree with that statement?

Kash said they would do “inspection review process.” Which was not quite “yes.”

VAN HOLLEN: As I said in my opening remarks, I really don't care about your personal life so long as you are able to perform your public and official responsibilities, which are awesome responsibilities. Multiple reports, including reporting by The Atlantic, have alleged episodes of excessive drinking, unexplained absences, and behavior that concern current and former FBI and DOJ officials. You have publicly denied those allegations and filed a defamation lawsuit. So today, as you testify before Congress, is it your testimony that those allegations are categorically false?
PATEL: Unequivocally categorically false.
VAN HOLLEN: So there have been no occasions during your tenure when FBI personnel were unable to promptly reach you?
PATEL: Absolutely not. You can ask my entire workforce.They hear from me at every single hour of the day, as do these great gentlemen here, as do the men and women of the interagency and state and local law enforcement in the White House.
VAN HOLLEN: And so there have been no occasions when your security detail had difficulty waking or locating you, is that right?
PATEL: Nope, it's a total farce. I don't even know where you get this stuff, but it doesn't make it credible because you say so.

Uh oh, Ka$h is getting $en$itive! You wouldn’t like Ka$h when he’s $en$itive!

(Mostly because nobody likes him any other time either.)

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Also he’s getting it from all the FBI people who have rushed to reporters to tell them what a basic drunk bitch the loser director is. As Van Hollen explained:

VH: I’m not saying it, Director Patel. It’s been written and documented.
PATEL: You are literally saying it.

You are literally saying it! Uh oh, he was getting mad.

Now if we were in a bar and there was a blackout drunk everybody was trying to avoid instigating, somebody exactly nobody wanted to have to babysit, or talk to, or sit next to, this would be the moment you looked back on as the moment it all went south.

You know, if you were in a bar and there was a blackout drunk. Especially if that blackout drunk started babbling about slinging margaritas in El Salvador. In a bar.

You know, if that happened.

PATEL: Unlike your baseless reports, the only person that was slinging margaritas in El Salvador on the taxpayer dollar with a convicted gang-banging rapist was you.

If you will remember, Patel is babbling about a conspiracy theory the right made up, with the help of Donald Trump’s favorite buttsniffing Salvadoran dictator’s regime, about Van Hollen drinking margaritas during his meeting with Kilmar Abrego Garcia, one of the men Trump’s Gestapo kidnapped and human trafficked to a foreign concentration camp.

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Patel knows it’s a lie, which would seem by definition to mean he knows he just lied to Congress, which did not escape Van Hollen’s notice. (You know, assuming he knew where he was when he said that.)

Also Kash lied to Congress about Abrego Garcia being a “convicted gang-banging rapist.” You know, unless Kash the FBI director is too stupid to know basic facts about a case, which is entirely possible. (Or if for some reason he didn’t remember.)

Patel continued babbling about debunked conspiracy theories, like Van Hollen running up $7,000 bar tabs. We say debunked because Van Hollen has explained precisely how they are full of shit.

None of which has anything to do with the heavily reported allegations of Kash Patel’s recurring bouts of being basic bitch Spring Break wasted, like all the fucking time. Van Hollen also noticed that, but Patel had fully lost control of himself at that point:

VH: Director Patel, come on. These are serious allegations that were made against you.
PATEL: The allegations are false. You drinking margaritas with a gang-banger is true and on video. You running a $7,000 bar tab at the lobby bar has been filed by your own office during the day. That’s you. This is the ultimate example of hypocrisy. I will not be tarnished by baseless allegations and fraudulent statements from the media.
VH: The fact that you mentioned that indicates you don’t know what you are talking about.
PATEL: The only thing I know is you’re the one drinking margaritas with felons.
VH: Actually, that’s a false statement, and I’m asking you about your statements.
PATEL: I’ve answered that.
VH: I’m asking you about a particular report.
PATEL: It’s not a report!

LOL, it’s not a report now?

‘Kay.

Van Hollen asked Patel if he would be willing to take something called the “AUDIT test,” which is given to members of the military to determine if they have a drinking problem.

“I’ll take any test you’re willing to take!”

“Let’s go! Side by side! I’ll take it!” (Weird bravery there.)

Van Hollen finished that round of questioning by asking Kash if he’s been ordering polygraph tests to see who’s leaking all these lies about Kash like an absolute sieve. (As has been noted already once at Wonkette today, the most likely answer is everyone.)

Kash babbled that the FBI “conducts polygraph tests all the time.” He claimed he didn’t order any, but that there is “an internal inspection review process for any and all leaks, especially of baseless information, at the FBI, that’s been in place for the last 30 years.”

So we’ll take that as a yes. Van Hollen certainly did. We also would note that Patel was slurring his speech pretty bad during that answer.

During the hearing, Van Hollen had explained to Patel that “I don’t care one bit about your private life,” and that “I don’t give a damn what you do on your own time and your own dime, unless and until it interferes with your public responsibilities.” He added, “You cannot perform those public duties if you’re incapacitated,” referencing reports that Patel has been “so drunk and so hungover that your staff had to force entry into your home.”

Later, Van Hollen had his second round of questioning. And since Patel had made “provably false” statements in a Senate hearing about unhinged, mouthbreathing right-wing conspiracy theories about Van Hollen drinking with Kilmar Abrego Garcia in El Salvador, Van Hollen asked the director of the FBI if he understood that it’s a crime to lie to Congress. You know, since he had just done it. And Patel queened out and embarrassed himself some more, because that’s what he always does.

And that’s how that went. And it wasn’t just Van Hollen either. This was a moment:

“If you want to pass out liquor or pop bottles in a locker room, stick to podcasting,” Sen. Patty Murray, a Washington state Democrat, told Patel. “Leave law and order to people who really do care about justice and appearances.”

Leave law and order to adults who can handle their shit, in other words.

In an interview today, Van Hollen said Patel “flew off the handle” during the hearing, which is a very professional way of explaining what happened. And he said the way Patel did that was “very revealing.”

“I asked him a series of questions about this credible reporting about how his excessive drinking is making it impossible for him to do his job, reports that his security detail had to forcefully enter his house to wake him up, and it was really an opportunity for him to respond,” the senator said. “Instead, what he did was decide to lash out at me. He uttered a bunch of provable lies.”

Van Hollen also took that test he challenged Patel to take, because Van Hollen is a man of his word, unlike the other main character in this story, apparently. He posted the results: