Big Kid Judges Told Aileen Cannon She Was Too Little For Trump Trial But She Didn’t Listen
And now all the judges are talking about it and everybody is laughing at her again.
We are all now accustomed to the daily confusions and struggles of District Judge Aileen Cannon, the Trump booster club den mother who comports herself like a kid who’s just not ready for the material, but really wants to impress the other kids in class, so she bumblefucks her way through it rigorously.
Cannon is indeed a partisan hack moron, but as we’ve been learning lately, perhaps the larger point is that she really just isn’t ready. She’s not used to doing cases like this. She’s not used to trials. She’s certainly not ready to be the presiding judge in the case of a former president who stole state secrets and did his best to conceal that from the federal government.
It’s like Cannon was plucked out of the chorus line and thrust into the lead role, except IN THIS CASE she was only in the chorus line because she dropped the class pet on the floor three buildings away — it is a hamster — and it started running, and Cannon was like “Oh no! Myrtle! Don’t run away, you’re my only friend!” — the hamster’s name is Myrtle — but Myrtle did not listen, Myrtle ran all the way across the campus to the theater building where they were having dress rehearsal for the school musical — Cats, not a good omen for Myrtle — then up onto the stage, and into the chorus line, and right that very second the lead in the musical — Daisy, she is smug and unlikable — dies of dysentery, at which point the director, Henri — French, gay — points at Aileen Cannon, who has finally caught Myrtle, and says “You! You will take over!” but Cannon doesn’t know any of the words and she can’t sing and she was just trying to catch a rodent and she sucks and everybody hates her and nobody ever talks to her again. (Myrtle escapes. Reckon she’s dead.)
Who did that? Aileen Cannon did that.
But the New York Times reported yesterday that fellow judges tried to tell Cannon to sit this one out. Give it to a real judge who doesn’t look like they stole their judging robe from their mom’s closet. You’re not going to impress anybody by going out there by setting your dick on fire.
She didn’t listen.
It was two of Cannon’s own colleagues in south Florida, also federal judges, who did the deed.
They said hey, stupid, you don’t know your way around criminal trials and it’s pretty obvious you’re so blinded by your love for THE DEFENDANT that the 11th Circuit — also a panel of conservative judges, two appointed by Trump! — has already had to come in and smack the gavel out of your hand when you tried to run interference for him while this investigation was ongoing, with that Special Master horseshit.
The judges who approached Judge Cannon — including the chief judge in the Southern District of Florida, Cecilia M. Altonaga — each asked her to consider whether it would be better if she were to decline the high-profile case, allowing it to go to another judge, the two people said.
The chief judge! (It’s not clear who the second judge is.)
The Times says they tried to gently suggest Cannon step aside, in ways that didn’t hurt her feelings, sounds like. Maybe it would be better to have the trial in Miami, where the grand jury was! (Cannon works out of Fort Pierce, couple hours north.) In Miami, they have SCIF set-ups, and this is a classified docs trial! Wouldn’t that be more convenient? If we are reading correctly, we think it was the second, unnamed judge who took this tack.
That didn’t work, so Altonaga, the chief judge, was reportedly more like listen, Clownfuck. You have already made an entire ass of yourself in matters related to this case. Make like a tree and go fall in the woods.
But no. And that’s why we have what we have, this idiot who seemingly has to analyze every ridiculous motion Trump’s lawyers bring her with a magnifying glass, no matter how stupid it is, no matter how transparent of a ploy it is to push the trial indefinitely into the future, hopefully to be resolved never. (Also the Times notes that taxpayers had to foot the bill for a SCIF on Cannon’s turf.)
“Analysis paralysis,” Asha Rangappa called the syndrome Cannon has. In fact, let’s read that Rangappa quote again:
“I think that Judge Cannon is intellectually out of her league and is having some weird analysis paralysis because her personal partisanship makes her place Trump’s bizarre arguments (like that nuclear secrets are his personal records) on par with Smith’s *actual* legal arguments. She’s afraid of making any mistake, lest Smith have a basis to appeal and perhaps get her removed, and so in this lost, ineffective, and paranoid state, the best she can hope for is that Trump gets elected and the case just goes away. So that’s her play.”
The big kids tried to tell her she wasn’t ready. That she would fall on her face and the whole world would laugh at her, which is quite an achievement for a district-level federal judge. That she probably should have stuck to sports, or whatever she is actually good at.
And look, everybody in the whole school is talking about it now:
Against that backdrop, word of the early efforts by her colleagues on the bench to persuade her to step aside — and the significance of her decision not to do so — has spread among other federal judges and the people who know them.
Everybody is going to know by fifth period.
Oh well. Some kids just insist on learning things the hard way.
Dumbass.
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I would be nice if she would face some consequences for her obvious willingness to put ethics and ability aside in favor of her fashy orange buddy.
Myrtle moved to Key West and is having a wonderful, relaxing time drinking hamsteritas on the beach.
If, instead of a former President this was some military E-5 clerk hiding secret documents, this trial would have been over months ago and the defendant would be sitting in prison.