Canada Hooks ICE Up With Some Sweetass Naziwagons

Sorry, eh.

When pioneering white rapper Vanilla Ice wrote the opening line “stop, collaborate and listen” for his only hit, he was just asking for people to listen to the “Under Pressure” ripoff without prejudice rather than encouraging a binding arrangement with a paramilitary death squad. Which is worth keeping in mind no matter how often the guy gets booked to play Mar-a-Lago or it becomes Trump’s new theme song if someone ever explains why “YMCA” is hilarious.

Most decent Canadians feel pride our government has sent more than 2,000 domestically made Roshel Senator armoured vehicles to the frontlines in Ukraine to help a fellow Western democracy fend off an unhinged, blood-thirsty neighbor, but the news we’re also handing over a bunch of them to our own unhinged, blood-thirsty neighbor isn’t going over as well.

Roshel Defence Solutions’ agreement with ICE to sell them 25 Senator Armored Personnel Carriers (APCs) worth $10 million CAD was announced a few weeks ago but is getting renewed public scrutiny now that it’s becoming clear any untrained incel behind the wheel seems unlikely to have a problem with rolling over actual people along with just their human rights.

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The vibe up here is meant to be“elbows up,” not “shareholder profits up,” and nobody wants to be an accessory to murder. Or see the damned things turned against us now that Grampa Hitler is spitballin’ the idea of going to war with NATO.

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Military procurements are infamous for taking years to come through but this isn’t the case with Roshel, and the justification for the sole-source contract posted on a US federal procurement website is because they’re supposedly the only ones who can complete orders within 30 days, which they’re able to do because they’re basically just beefed-up Ford F-550s with Batmobile add-ons. (*Alfred Pennyworth action figures not included.) Helmet-cam footage of Ukrainian soldiers emerging from one shaken but unscathed after taking a direct hit from a Russian drone is probably what first sold MAGA on them but here’s some of the pitch in the company’s own words:

In addition to standard security features such as perimeter gun ports, escape hatches, advanced locks, external view cameras, siren/PA system, emergency lighting [sic], Roshel equips its vehicles with advanced smart capabilities to enhance our clients’ ability to accomplish every mission securely and efficiently. Roshel incorporates innovative and proprietary intelligence solutions, including remote surveillance, monitoring, access controls, which are customizable for specific operational requirements.

One person who doesn’t see a problem with this is Conservative Ontario Premier Doug Ford, who called it “fantastic news” for a province with a current jobless rate hovering around 7.9 percent.

“I know it’s ironic, but that’s all right,” said Ford. “We’ll take orders anywhere in the world and thank goodness that the Americans are ordering it off us.”

(A note for non-Canadian readers: Dougie is the less charismatic older brother of the late crack-smoking Toronto mayor Rob Ford, whose tailcoats he rode to higher office and was caught on a hot mic saying he was “one hundred percent” happy Trump won in 2024. An alleged hash dealer in his younger days when it was still illegal, the community college dropout would seem a cartoon version of a corrupt politician if not for our current Twilight Zone reality.)

But this isn’t like rain on your wedding day or even a free ride when you’ve already paid. Alanis Morissette isn’t the only high-profile Ontarian with a shaky grasp of irony, but the hypocrisy is extra-thick coming from a guy who sold himself as Captain Canada in the early days of the trade war and even gave the bear a superpoke with an ad during the World Series using a speech by the Gipper himself about the mutually assured destruction of tariffs.

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You are perhaps wondering how buying military-grade hardware from Canada is compatible with Dear Leader’s America-first trade policy or even how a deal could’ve been made in the first place given the insane tariffs situation. Oh you sweet summer child! The obvious solution is for private Canadian manufacturers to simply pretend they’re American.

Trucks have rolled out of Roshel factories in the Toronto area for the past decade after founder Roman Shimonov immigrated from Israel without leaving much of a digital footprint, but they’re also coming soon from a new facility in Michigan because the guy saw this shit coming.

“Tariffs played a vital role in our decision,” Shimonov recently told the Globe and Mail. “Without being able to overcome it by having a facility in the US, I doubt that many companies that rely on exports will be able to survive.”

Roshel still claims headquarters are in Brampton on its website but an address in Delaware is what’s given on the sales agreement with ICE, which is apparently close enough for government work. No word on what might become of the roughly 400 workers in Ontario factories who’ll find themselves under pressure if production shifts south of the border or what sort of Galen Erso sabotage they might pull off, but Shimonov admitted “if all our orders are coming from the US, it will lead to major disruptions and a lack of orders to justify hiring people.”

It might be some consolation if the badass Zambonis sent to kill us weren’t made at home but at least it wouldn’t be the first time Senators have broken Canadians’ hearts.

[Global News / Salon / Globe and Mail / Project Guttenberg]

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