Coast Guard Pilot Fired For Not Carrying Kristi Noem’s Wooby
Rehired when no one could fly the plane. Plus more DHS dirt!
Oh boy, it’s a fresh article in our favorite literary genre, right up there with scathing restaurant reviews: a drip-castle of leaks from Team Trump, piling on about what a capriciously cruel, corrupt, and doornail-dumb diva their immediate boss is. Because somebody has to get blamed for the regime’s nonstop mistakes and plunging approval, and it can never be Rajneesh Bhagwan Trump, that is how cults work.
Today’s goats ripe for -scaping, ICE-dancing duo Corey Lewandowski and Kristi Noem, with a 3,600-word Wall Street Journal expose which is the most chef’s kiss epic since the story about the time Kash Patel refused to leave a plane until FBI special agents affixed a sufficient number of Velcro patches of flair to his jacket.
This story has got it all, especially lots of disclaimers that Kristi Noem and Corey Lewandowski deny any untoward behavior and say they have been perfectly professional and by-the-book in every way, and are for sure in no way fucking each other!
With that out of the way, the filth! There’s Corey Lewandowski (himself accused multiple times of assaulting women) pitching a fit and firing a Coast Guard pilot after Noem’s personal blanket got left behind on her $70 million luxury 737 MAX jet. There’s unidentified insider leakers, plural, dishing that LewdaKristi has fallen into disfavor! And of course details of how DHS is rife with “constant chaos” and incompetence, because there is not a single department under Trump that isn’t a hotbed of all that courtesy of whoever under-qualified loser Trump has appointed!
But you want to know about that blanket:
Noem had to switch planes after a maintenance issue was discovered, but her blanket wasn’t moved to the second plane, according to the people familiar with the incident. The Coast Guard pilot was initially fired and told to take a commercial flight home when they reached their destination. They eventually reinstated the pilot because no one else was available to fly them home.
Flashback to when Trump fired James Comey then stranded him in Los Angeles, except Corky’s rage so overpowered his smarts he did not realize he and his lady needed a pilot to fly a plane! And hold up, as a “special government employee,” how does he have the power to fire any-fucking-body?
We also sure do have questions about the blanket! What kind of blanket was it, expensive like a $20k Hermes? Or special in an emotional kind of way, like Linus’s, Tailee, or the kid’s Wooby in Mr. Mom?
Was it quilted from drugs? Did Noem or Lewandowski do something gross with or upon the blanket in the jet’s private cabin? And couldn’t someone have given her one of those foil blankets like the detainees sleeping on the concrete floors of ICE jails get if they’re lucky?
Probably it is not really about the blanket, though, just another example of how Trump’s underlings live for petty, mean moments of flaunting power over the subservient creatures beneath them, from puppies to pilots. And like Patel, Lewandowski and Noem have been treating the job like they’ve just been promoted to Diddy-level stardom. Why not, all the job actually entails is wearing designer outfits and Rolexes and hooting and hollering “DONALD TRUMP, BAD BOY FOR LIFE!” over his tracks!
Have some Axios-style bullets of incompetence the likes of which is sabotaging even Trump’s own evil agenda:
Florida officials, even Republican ones, unable to get their phone calls returned while trying to get paid to build DHS’s marquee tent-city torture camp, “Alligator Alcatraz.” You’ll recall last year Noem decreed she had to personally approve every expense above $100,000, which led to a massive backlog of requests, and emergency requests getting lost in the pile.
Federal Emergency Management Aid being held up; in Georgia officials from Governor Brian Kemp’s office had to make multiple calls to get aid released, as “White House officials and others in the administration said they didn’t know why money was being held up.”
Meanwhile, new opaque and arbitrary contracts getting handed out, as others get cancelled or delayed with no explanation. An example not cited by the WSJ: DHS spokeswoman Tricia McLaughlin’s husband Ben Yoho’s company getting a $220 million no-bid contract for DHS advertising.
Border protection commissioner Rodney Scott complained to the administration that Lewdski mismanaged the construction of that Mexican border wall: “The project received a $46.5 billion infusion from Congress in 2025 that must be spent by 2029. One of the contracts, for bulk steel, sat on Noem’s desk for approval for so long that from the time the deal was struck in December until it was signed Feb. 10, the price of steel went up more than $100 million, some of the people said.”
Hoisted by their own lazy, incompetent and tariffed petard!
Like Diddy, Hegseth, Kash Patel, Ed Martin, and Emil Bove too, LewdEm have been using long-discredited polygraph tests to try to intimidate the servants toiling beneath them into submission. Polygraphs aren’t a reliable source of information, but it’s foreplay for these unterführers to scream accusations of disloyalty in somebody’s face so they sweat like Moe Szyslak.
The story also has some chat about how Lewandowski’s 130 days as a special government employee has long passed, a rule he’s skirted by sneaking in the building and not swiping his card.
Also that Trump has kept creeper Corey in the shadows and never given him an official position due to rumors of the pair’s adulterizing, which People Have Been Saying for years. But Corey hasn’t been that far back in the shadows, last year he and Noem took a very high-profile tour of South American dictatorships together.
And pardon our skepticism that Trump gives one shit about two people married to other people bumping uglies. It’s an arrangement that suits him well! Noem can play Lewandowski’s Howdy Doody, and that lets Trump backdoor-in Corey, a man so disgusting he even creeps out Susie Wiles. Surely that guy’s safe of secrets is even filthier than Steve Bannon’s hot tub.
Anyway, speculate away, who is backbiting these two to the Wally Jay? Stephen Miller? He is Lewdytoons’ overseer, and Marcy Wheeler noticed that his name isn’t mentioned in the story once.
Might a source be Noem’s deputy Tricia McLaughlin? The story references a “DHS spokeswoman,” and is there more than one? (The unnamed “a DHS spokeswoman” bit goes on throughout all 3,600 words, until finally about two-thirds through, the “DHS spokeswoman” taps out and doesn’t even try to lie anymore, just stops addressing the questions all together.) Maybe Susie Wiles, she sure likes the sound of her own voice. Possibly all three and/or more, as the story mentions people plural snatching Noem’s wig and throwing it under a bus!
One thing we can be pretty confident about, though, Trump will never fire Noem, or Corey. After going through employees like tissues at a frat house during his first term, he doesn’t want the media thinking they have any power over him. And he surely doesn’t want former staffers realizing his loyalty is a one-way street, then making careers of flapping their yaps about him to some kind of Michael Wolff. So Trump will move Greg Bovino back to El Centro, or give Kash Patel and Dan Bongino babysitters, or make up a new job and/or hide them in another office like with Ed Martin, or sideline them for a bit as punishment before bringing them back with a new way to do his bidding, a la Tulsi Gabbard after speaking out against bombing Iran.
But as much as Trump may try to protect his special boys and girls, he can’t protect them from each other. When you hire the most entitled, backbiting, drama-driven antisocial pukes on the planet, it’s a hazard!
[Wall Street Journal gift link, “A Pilot Fired Over Kristi Noem’s Missing Blanket and the Constant Chaos Inside DHS” / WSJ gift link, “Inside Kristi Noem’s Polygraph Operation”]
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I know toddlers with item attachment syndrome handle a loss more gracefully and with more maturity than clown ICE Barbie. It's astounding how stunted these assholes "running" the country are.
>>LewdaKristi
This is the best name portmanteau I've ever seen. I have been laughing at this for a good minute.