Dementia-Free Non-Alcoholic Rudy Giuliani Generously Offers To Lead House Impeachment Of Joe Biden
What could go wrong?
Rudy Giuliani has a couple things going on, what with the RICO indictment and the other investigations and disbarment recommendations against him and whatnot. There’s the lawsuit from his former assistant, who alleges he’s exactly the disgusting piece of pig trash we always thought he was. We guess he’s broke, so Newsmax is running a legal defense telethon for him, so that’s approximately the most pathetic sentence in the history of the English language.
But he’s at the top of his game, as he’s been babbling the past couple days to whoever will listen. And because he’s such a giving guy, he’s willing to be the leader of the TOTALLY REAL House impeachment of Joe Biden.
It’s not that he doesn’t think the leaders of the committees doing the TOTALLY REAL House impeachment aren’t talented — how could you say that about James Comer and Jim Jordan? — it’s just that hey, move over, big boys, Roodles the Barely Sentient Pool Noodle’s in the house, and he’s got his chram out!
Stop laughing, he’s serious!
(Visit the Meidas Touch for video.)
ROODLES: They’re wonderful guys, but this is my profession, not theirs. I know how to question a lot better than they do. […] This is what I do best. I practiced a long time for it, but I do it best. [extreme pregnant pause] Let me question them!
Raise your hand if you think national laughingstock Rudy Giuliani is currently “the best” at anything that doesn’t involve getting snowed by Russian spies.
ROODLES: This case could be proved without witnesses. Just with the hard drive and electronics.
No witnesses, yeah? Because of the hard drive? Would that be Hunter Biden’s laptop, the one Rudy carries around in the folds of his underpants, or maybe it’s at his house, and it’s definitely for certain untainted by Russian intelligence?
ROODLES: You could do it with videos, you could do it with texts, you could do it with emails. Texts, emails. It's a multimedia case that could be won by a moderately talented prosecutor. The evidence is overwhelming!
Oh yes, Rudy, the evidence!
Of course, he means the “evidence” Russian spies funneled up his asshole during his quest to get Donald Trump impeached the first time for trying to make Ukraine steal the 2020 election for him. Evidence which has been hilarious and thoroughly debunked one million times, but fucking hell, if House Democrats have to do it one million more times during the impeachment spectacle Republicans were stupid enough to ask for, we imagine House Democrats will just do it one million more times.
It will be more humiliating than anything James Comer, Jim Jordan, and Rudy Giuliani have experienced thusfar in their failed lives.
But sure! Rudy is definitely in fighting shape, even though he’s not allowed to practice law in DC, and if he shows up drunk, well then that’s just more primetime ratings for C-SPAN.
Please let dementia-free non-alcoholic Rudy Giuliani do it. Please.
To show what a good lawyer Rudy really is, remember Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss, the wonderful mother-daughter team of Georgia election workers whose lives have been utterly destroyed by the pigfucking lies of Donald Trump and Giuliani? Who sued him for defamation and now he has been found liable — it’s The Alex Jones Question, where the only thing to be determined at trial is how much will have to pay them? — because he defaulted after refusing to cooperate with discovery?
Well, it sounds like he may have defamed them again on Newsmax last night. Is that bad? He appeared to call Freeman and Moss “two women in Atlanta that threw people out and counted the ballots in private in violation of Georgia law,” would a good lawyer have advised Rudy to do that?
Oh well, we are sure he has everything under control.
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Comer, Jordan, and Roodles. And our side would be Raskin, Goldman, and Plaskett, for starters.
Cue Yakety Sax.
I'm not sure bragging that running fake investigations and political hatchet jobs is "what you do best" is the flex he thinks it is.