The economy is crumbling, the government is shut down, hardworking people’s tax dollars are going towards zip-tying literal children, and President Donald J. Trump is posting AI videos of racist shit and himself as the grim reaper. But never mind that! Fox News’s Jesse Watters got a scoop via Page Six, from “unnamed sources,” and it is that Barron Trump had a DATE at Trump Tower. And then Watters and his fellow middle-aged co-host, who both have children, drooled that they hoped Barron’s date ended with more than dessert.
You’re already here, so you might as well watch:
“The Trump cookie,” yeah, Jesse Watters said that.
Watters loves “romantic” white-knight tales of male prowess, such as Big Balls “rescuing” his lady-friend from a gajillion carjackers, Stephen Miller being a “sexual matador,” or the time married Jesse Watters seduced his future second wife Emma, 14 years his junior, by letting the air out of her tires. (Why yes, we DO and WILL mention that WTF story every time his name comes up!) And what could be more romantic than being locked into a floor of Trump Tower with Secret Service agents waiting outside the door?
The Page Six story does not actually say if Barron’s date was a girl, a guy, or a golden retriever. But Watters and his fellow middle-aged co-host, Julie Banderas, are sure it was a lady, and that whatever went on was REAL HOT, because Barron shut down the whole floor and he has got game.
Boy, the Republicans sure do enjoy thinking about teenagers having sex, and what other people do with their bits! From Mike Johnson monitoring his son’s gooning habits, to purity balls, and of course trans people maybe being in a bathroom, they’re obsessed with OPP (that’s other people’s purity parts, for you non-’90s kids).
We liberals, on the other hand, give our kids copies of “It’s Perfectly Normal” and make sure they have all the alone time with the pediatrician for questions that they want, precisely so we don’t have to think about our kids’ sex lives any more than necessary, thanks.
And HOLD UP, aren’t teenagers not supposed to be having premarital sex, Jesse Watters?! Imagine if this was Malia Obama! Where is Jesse Watters’s concern with Barron’s eternal soul? It’s the age-old paradox, if boys are supposed to be out there having lots of premarital sex, and girls aren’t supposed to be having any sex, who are the boys who’ve got game supposed to be having sex with?
Page Six also previously revealed Barron “could not give out his phone number to new college friends for fear it would leak to the public, and was instead chatting with pals on the Xbox gaming console’s chat platform.” Much game, very sexy and secure communications!
Yet somehow all the other presidents’ kids have managed to go away to college and also have a phone. Fussed a source, “If people get the number, they would give it out and then a million people would be calling nonstop. You’d have to change the number constantly and it’d become a merry-go-round.”
Because nobody else in America is getting slammed by unwanted spam calls all day long? Put the phone on Do Not Disturb, and only allow through the calls in your address book. You’re welcome.
And does Barron got game? Now that he is older than Lindsay Lohan was when his father was publicly fantasizing about how great she probably was in bed because she’s “deeply troubled” and has “daddy issues,” it seems fair to point out that Barron might have a few of his own. Though we sure as shit ain’t voluntarily imagining sex with a 19-year-old boy, much less fantasizing about a deeply troubled one with daddy issues, no matter how legal that may be, because disgusting. And if Barron’s “game” is anything like his father’s, the only thing we can imagine doing in such a situation is scanning for the exits, then the fire alarm, and preparing to grab a toilet tank cover, hairspray and a lighter to defend ourselves with like Alabama Whitman in True Romance, if necessary.
But we will sure speculate all day how he may be a troubled boy with daddy issues! Like, it’s mighty weird how rare it is to even hear Barron’s voice, other than in AI slop of him singing spirituals.
And there’s other odd stuff. Last May, Barron was supposed to be an at-large delegate for the Florida Republican Party at the Republican National Convention, but just two days later, he declined the role through his mother’s office, claiming “prior commitments.”
Then he surfaced on election night, but his voice was only heard greeting people in the background.
And in September of last year, at 18, Barron was named “DeFi visionary” for Trump’s crypto-grift, and was supposed to show up to the launch meeting and say a few “visionary” words over Zoom. But then he simply didn’t show up. (He’s still getting his part of the haul from the tokens though!)
And while other first kids have been spotted out having fun with friends, from Jenna Bush underage drinking, to Chelsea Clinton swing dancing, to Malia Obama puffing a jay, never ever Barron.
Is he rebelling against the Trump family expectations, and that’s why his parents are making him live in their apartment for college? Or is there some other reason he’s not allowed to have a normal college experience? It would be irresponsible not to speculate!
And LOL, these conservative men being so desperate to portray themselves as objects of sexual desire, when the truth is so much the opposite! Poll after poll has found that the majority of women say that they’re disinclined to date a Trump supporter, and younger people are even less likely than others to be willing to date across political lines. Embracing a sex pest and not caring if women die from pregnancy complications is not a hot look to the girls, as it turns out. No matter how many “Trump cookies” a man might offer.
But, good luck to Barron! He didn’t ask to be born, after all, and it seems like he lives a sad and lonely life. Hopefully one of his XBox friends can give him better dating advice than grabbing a woman by the pussy, letting the air out of her tires, seeking out crazy ones, or whatever other insane things his father and Jesse Watters might be telling him. Like, ask her questions about herself, then respond to her answers in a way that lets her know you were listening, that is always good!
Well, that is enough for now.
Though here’s a random fun fact, did you know Donald Trump’s grandfather ran a Canadian brothel during the gold rush? Those Trumps and their peens!
[Daily Beast / Page Six]
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Quick reminder that my cocktail drops at 4:20 today. Lord knows I read this headline and needed a stiff drink.
*vomits*