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Donald Trump Endorses Screaming Easter Island Head As Speaker Of The House
Oh sorry, that's Jim Jordan, our mistake.
Peggy Noonan’s column posts on the website of the esteemed Wall Street Journal on Thursday evenings, so this week we were performing our usual Thursday evening ritual of reading it while weeping into a carton of Cherry Garcia, when we ran across this passage describing Lady Noonington’s ideal candidate for the new speaker of the House:
What GOP members need is what they don’t have. They need a leader who, through the force of his presence and with an awesome competence, can listen to everyone, reach out, heal—and instill sharp stabs of terror in the hearts of his lean and hungry legislators. He needs to be feared. They need a ruthless Mama Cat who can pick the kittens up by the scruff of the neck and throw them in the box. They need Nancy Pelosi. Who, somebody once said, has a Glock in that Chanel bag.
Not five minutes later, news streaked across our social media feeds that Donald Trump would be endorsing yelling fidget spinner Jim Jordan. Trump then did the thing overnight. Sorry, m’lady. Better luck next time:
Jordan’s ascension is not yet official (and we have been wrong before about a Trump endorsement of a House speaker) as the House is on recess until the middle of next week. So the possibility of watching Jordan sit through 15 humiliating rounds of voting while groveling at the feet of Matt Gaetz to Jesus Christ elect me already this spectacle makes us Republicans look like a bunch of whiny infants with the organizational abilities of a kumquat still lives.
But seeing as how Donald Trump has the GOP’s nuts in a jar on the mantle of his sprawling monument to Kublai Khan’s outhouse down in Florida, we’re assuming the job is Jordan’s unless a meteor strikes the Capitol before Wednesday, in which case we might reconsider.
On the plus side, this would make Jim Jordan the first former Wonkette Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year award winner to ascend to the House speakership! Sir, you are welcome.
What can we say about Jim Jordan, other than that he’s an asshole? He was an asshole when he was he was screaming about HUNTER BIDEN LAPTOP CORRUPTION LOUD NOISES and he was an asshole when he screamed at the major pharmaceutical companies that they had his permission to keep making Americans TAKE OUT THIRD MORTGAGES JUST TO PAY FOR MEDICATIONS and he was an asshole way back when he was screaming at gays in the military that THEY WILL GET BACK INTO THAT CLOSET WITH ALL THEIR SHARPLY IRONED DOCKERS AND THEY WILL LIKE IT and he was an asshole when he made Val Demings so mad that she told him SHUT THE FUCK UP JIM JORDAN and he was an asshole when he was screaming about ELECTION INTERFERENCE and he was an asshole when he told Fani Willis HOW DARE YOU INDICT PRESIDENT TRUMP YOU WILL ANSWER TO THE UNITED STATE CONGRESS YOUNG LADY, who to be fair entertainingly told him to take a flying leap up his own colon (Jim Jordan seems to have a problem with Black women who don’t know their place, see Demings, Val, what’s that about HENGGGH) and he was an asshole when he participated in the January 6 insurrection and then refused to comply with a subpoena from the committee investigating it and he was an asshole when he yelled at Anthony Fauci that THIS PANDEMIC IS OVER BECAUSE JIM JORDAN SAYS ITS OVER and…
Now We See Why Jim Jordan Maybe Didn't Notice Ohio State Wrestlers Getting Molested In Front Of His Face
You know what? We’re just going to stop there. The Jim Jordan archive of assholery is a voluminous one and the Internet only has but so much space.
Well, one more: He was an asshole when word came out that wrestlers at Ohio State had been allegedly sexually abused by a university doctor while Jim Jordan was an assistant coach and he said and did nothing about it, because he is such an asshole.
Somehow the Republican Party will go down in history as having elected not one but two former wrestling coaches implicated in sexual abuse scandals involving their charges as speaker of the House. Congrats on this achievement!
As terrible as Kevin McCarthy was as speaker, Jim Jordan is going to make him look like Tip O’Neill by comparison. How much damage can he do between now and January of 2025? Dunno, but on the plus side it will probably be grimly hilarious.