Donald Trump Isn't Some Self-Aggrandizing Tinpot Dictator! He Appoints People For That.
Say hello to the Donald J. Trump Institute Of Getting His Piece.
Donald Trump, who is, somehow, president of the United States, still hasn’t been awarded that Nobel Peace Prize he so feverishly covets, which is completely unfair because Barack Hussein Obama was given a Nobel just for not being George W. Bush. But as a participation trophy, the US State Department yesterday announced that the US Institute of Peace will now be known forevermore, or at least until someone with a crowbar is sent over there, as the “Donald J. Trump US Institute of Peace,” because that name will “reflect the greatest dealmaker in our nation's history.” Say, did you hear he’s ended around 50 or 60 wars since taking office? He’ll tell you all about it if you let him, even if he has to make up some or all of the wars.
As you’ll recall, in the early days of his second administration, Trump illegally tried to dismantle the institute, a think tank for international conflict resolution whose congressional charter created it as a nonprofit entity that’s supposed to be independent of the executive branch. There was even a brief armed standoff as DOGE goons seized the building to change the locks.
The administration is actually still embroiled in litigation over control of the institute, but what the hell, now that Trump’s name is on it, the Supreme Court will have to agree that whatever laws created the institute, it’s his now. The building was owned by the former Institute of Peace board, but Trump fired all the members and the building is for now under control of the General Services Administration. Trump may use it as collateral for refinancing some of his other trash palaces, who knows?
Oh, did we mention that yesterday, while the Trump administration continued to insist it isn’t war-criming, the Secretary of War Crimes Pete Hegseth ordered the extrajudicial murder of yet another four people, in an illegal drone strike on a boat supposedly carrying drugs? You know, just to underline the Orwellian renaming of the peace institute. Appropriate too, since the Institute of Peace was created in the year 1984.
To mark the completely meaningless addition of the new sign, a White House spokesbot with the designation “Anna Kelly” said,
“The United States Institute of Peace was once a bloated, useless entity that blew $50 million per year while delivering no peace. Now, the Donald J. Trump Institute of Peace, which is both beautifully and aptly named after a President who ended eight wars in less than a year, will stand as a powerful reminder of what strong leadership can accomplish for global stability.”
She added, “Congratulations, world!”
To reflect Trump’s amazing work in ending wars all over the globe, we recommend that the renamed building be left completely vacant, with the electricity off.
In related news, SFGATE reported yesterday that the National Parks Service has changed the federal holidays that qualify for free admission to America’s national parks, eliminating both Martin Luther King Day and Juneteenth, because they are illegal and promote idleness, adding free admission on the important American holiday of June 14, which is close enough to June 19th that Black Americans can easily make the switch and celebrate the birthday of their real saviour and best friend, Donald J. Trump. And if they don’t like it they can, as Great Leader said this week of one subset of Black American citizens, just “go back to where they came from” and stop complaining.
Yeah, subtle messaging about who counts as American, isn’t it?
No, in case you are wondering, no living president has ever had a federal building (if that’s even what the Institute of Peace building ends up being) named for him while he was in office. Nor has any branch of the US government ever treated the birthday of a sitting president as a holiday. But that’s OK, because things are changing here in the Trump States of Trumpmerica, and it’s a very good thing that you will like and accept, because after all, he won the 2024 election with 100 percent of the vote, that’s what all the history books say now.
Trump’s Blessing be upon you, fellow Trumpmericans! Everything is getting much better now, thanks to our wise beloved leader!
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Borowitz: BREAKING: A defiant Pete Hegseth lashed out at his critics on Thursday. “I get knocked down, but I get up again,” he told reporters at the Pentagon. “You're never gonna keep me down.” Revealing the secret to his resilience, Hegseth said, “I drink a whiskey drink, I drink a vodka drink, I drink a lager drink, I drink a cider drink.”
Nicolae Ceausescu was dumb as dog shit, but referred to himself - without any apparent hint of irony - as the Genius of the Carpathians.
Don't know what made me think of that just now. :D