Elon Musk: Peace Out?
But everybody’s still best friends, you guys!
Hey look, Elon Musk is an even bigger loser today than he was yesterday, AGAIN!
Now apparently Dictator Day One has finally had enough of Musk’s LOSERING, and how everybody keeps asking questions about the made-up DOGE numbers he’s been Xitting, and decreed that Space Karen will be out of government when his temporary-employee status is up around the end of May.
Score one for Vice President Butthair. Couchbottom reportedly has had it out for a certain big-buckle-wearin’, baby-making, chainsaw-wielding dipshit, and according to an unverified audio leak last week — which Vance claims was AI generated — Vance had been squealing to whoever was listening that Musk was making everybody look bad:
“Everything that he's doing is getting criticized in the media, and he says that he's helping, but he's not. He's making us look bad. He's making me look bad. And I’ll tell you this, and you wouldn’t like it if I said it, but he's not even an American. He is from South Africa. And he’s cosplaying as this great American leader, in a room that has some of the portraits of the greatest men who ever lived in this country, and he has the audacity to act like he’s an elected official. I am an elected official, I am the important one in this situation, not him. So if he wants to tank the economy and his cars, maybe that’s what he deserved.”
Maybe the clip was real, maybe it wasn’t. Maybe Vance made and leaked it himself as a move in the game of lickspittle thrones, who knows! Regardless, AI Vance’s wish has come to pass, and last night flesh-n-bone Vance told “Fox & Friends” that Musk will soon be returning to the private sector.
But NOT because how everybody hates him, it’s because he’s done SUCH a swell job already, you guys. And everybody is still best friends and they chat all the time on the phone about how Big Balls is growing up so fast, you betcha!
But indeed, AI Vance, Musk has NOT been HELPING. Most Americans disapprove of his involvement. His attempt to buy a Wisconsin judgeship was a 10-point-loss-fail, even after he pumped $25 million from his America PAC and paid people to sign a petition against “activist judges,” and awarded some very staged-looking not-a-lottery-not-a-raffle checks while wearing a cheese hat. (And now he and his PAC are getting sued in Pennsylvania, by canvassers who say they never got paid for referring people to sign Musk’s petition there last year, add that one to the lawsuit pile.)
And Musk has not been helping himself much either, that getting-richer-quicker part is not happening quick. Tesla stock has lost 44 percent of its value since December, and had its worst sales ever in the first quarter of 2025; Musk reportedly wept in Trump’s arms because nobody wants to buy Teslas anymore, so pitifully that Trump held a Tesla salesathon in front of the White House and posed in a driver’s seat, marveling about how “everything’s computer!” And Trump deployed the power of the state to protect all the Tesla showrooms from ANTIFA. AND YET still nobody wants to buy one!
And more, much more. Musk lost $11 billion yesterday on those tariffs (but still less than what Bezos and Zuckerberg lost).
The European Union is considering fining Musk one billion, with a b, for the way he’s let disinformation promulgate on his hellsite. He’s getting sued by Twitter shareholders, accused of stock manipulation.
He’s being sued by groups representing Social Security beneficiaries over DOGE cuts there, and the US African Development Foundation, and about 20 other groups for DOGE things, and, of course, the fourth lady he allegedly made a mother.
Starlink contracts are getting cancelled all over Canada, and Germany is funding access for Ukraine to a satellite-internet network operated by France's Eutelsat.
So, like, maybe he should tend to his businesses? And lawsuits? And children?
This wasn’t how the plan was supposed to go!
But don’t cry for him, Muskintina, there’s still time for him to be Trump’s Krupp, and there will be lots of government contracts to be had for industrialist best-friendsies. Teslas use the least amount of foreign parts, and EV tax credits are still on the books, so Teslas may soon be cheaper than every other car by comparison, even if there’s nowhere to charge them and they have a way of trapping people inside while they burn alive, and self-crashing.
And now Musk will have more time on his hands to pay people to play video games for him, go on X-groyper-meme-posting-marathons, collect skinny jeans and large belt buckles, and woo ladies with bottles of his genetically pre-screened sperm.
And MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE there will be a time in the near-ish future where we don’t have to hear about what dumb shit his DOGE AI accidentally-on-purpose broke into/ cut/ destroyed, every single day, and judges will successfully kick those kids the ef out.
That would be ever so nice! We can dream!
|... leaked it himself as a move in the game of lickspittle thrones... |
Game of Lickspittles
A Tale of Ire and Vice
CNN is also reporting that Vance had warned that the tariffs program could fail, but now he's couching his concerns differently and cushioning his words in a softer fabric.