Epstein Files Reveal Donald Trump Really Into Nipples. You're Welcome.

This is somehow worse than Bill Clinton and his cigar.

You want to know what’s the worst part of the last decade of thinking and writing about Donald Trump is for us? It’s not the terrible realization of just how many Nazis and Nazi-curious dildo-brains there are in this country. It’s not the depths of our countrymen’s gullibility. It’s not the cowardice and cynicism of our elected officials in going along with whatever the big orange oaf wants because their evangelical faith tells them he’s a necessary evil to bring about God’s Kingdom, or because they are afraid of getting yelled at on the Internet. It’s not the president and his family’s grifting and thievery that no one seems inclined to stop. It’s not this shit. It’s not the media that treats his administration and its spokespeople as if they are as legitimate instead of a bunch of irredeemable fascists. It’s not our wrecked mental and physical health, our ruined posture from days spent hunched over our laptop screaming into the void, What fucking fresh nightmare are we reading about now???

Well, okay, it is all of those things and more.

But the worst part? Easily, far and away, not even close, leading the field like Secretariat at the Kentucky Derby, it is everything we’ve ever learned or heard rumored about Donald Trump’s sex life. The grabbing of pussies. The sexual assault. The alleged banging of teenagers on his buddy Jeffrey Epstein’s fuck-plane. The alleged golden showers. The microscopic mushroom dick.

So by the time we got to the part in this big New York Times expose (gift link) where a witness statement buried in the government’s Epstein files alleged that our big baby of a president is really into nipple play, we hoped we had built up some sort of immunity, or at a minimum hardened the naturally low threshold of our gag reflex. Noooooope! The allegation came from emails sent to a journalist by one of Epstein’s victims, Sarah Ransome, who said a friend named Jen

had told her that Trump had a predilection for nipples and that he had aggressively flicked and sucked hers. Ransome wrote that she had seen evidence when she shared a bathroom with Jen. “They looked incredibly painful as they were red and swollen and I remember wincing when I looked at them,” she wrote.

Ah, God, why hast thou forsaken us.

A minute later, there was this:

The vice president said he thought the president would be OK with releasing the nipple-related documents, arguing that Trump had been accused of worse. “I think we should put it out,” he said. “It would cause people to say we’re going further than we need to.”

Vance is wrong. As Chief of Staff Susie Wiles told him in nixing the idea, Trump would very much not be okay with the world learning that he likes to abuse his partner’s nipples. He’d go apeshit in denying it. Melania Trump would never again be able to go out in public without someone asking her about her bruised nips.

An adviser described as “surreal” having a conversation about the president’s nipple fetish in the Situation Room. He’s got us there, it was probably much more surreal than just reading about it. It was bad enough to open the Times one morning and read the words “the document that connected Trump to the claim about abused nipples.” We never want to read anything that horrific again.

Oh, we learned all sorts of interesting nuggets from Maggie Haberman and Jonathan Swan’s deep dive. Even if all of it turns out to be bullshit, it’s entertaining bullshit.

For instance, JD Vance? The callow and inexperienced ladder-climber one 80-year-old heartbeat away from the presidency? Huge conspiracy theorist, apparently:

Some senior officials had the impression that Vance had bought into the darkest theories about Epstein and a cabal of predators hidden within the country’s ruling class. Wiles would tell others that the vice president had proved himself to be a major conspiracy theorist.

One of the most fun parts of reading this sort of deep dive is seeing if you can guess some of the sources, or at least whom the sources are aligned with based on how badly some of the subjects are portrayed. In this case, who benefits from JD Vance looking like a total lunatic who can rub brain cells with the best of the “NASA faked the moon landing” crowd? Probably lots of people! But we’ll note that Secretary of State Marco Rubio, who is widely viewed as Vance’s biggest competitor for the 2028 GOP nomination, is not mentioned as being in any of these crisis meetings or anywhere near this mess at all.

Actually, with the GOP base as rabidly stupid as it is, that might be a bad thing for Rubio.

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Another interesting factoid is how the upper levels of the Trump administration were so clueless about the Epstein story’s importance to the base that they didn’t see the furious backlash coming. They really thought that putting out a one-page memo saying they agreed Epstein had committed suicide and that they would not be releasing any more information from the 3 to 6 million pages of documents the government maintained about the case.

The only people who saw it coming? Ironically, considering they both combined couldn’t outwit a rutabaga, it was Kash Patel and Dan Bongino, the director and then-deputy director of the FBI. Bongino in particular told the White House it was making “a grave miscalculation” by thinking the story would fade quickly.

Possibly worst for Patel and Bongino was that it meant their online followings were turning on them. That led Bongino, at least, to start lashing out, particularly at then-Attorney General Pam Bondi. In meeting after meeting, he yelled at her about fucking up the release of some of the Epstein material. Then he went and griped about her fucking up to other people. He and Patel told the White House she should be fired. He stormed out of meetings. He griped about how terrible his life had become:

Privately, he seethed. In conversations with confidants, he lamented what the job had cost him: millions of dollars in podcast revenue, family time, his audience. He was getting torn apart over a strategy he had opposed from the start.

We take issue with this. Bongino didn’t seethe privately. He seethed very, very publicly in interviews. We even mocked him at the time for whining on TV about how much harder his life was now that he had a full-time job and wasn’t a meathead podcaster who yammered into a microphone for three hours and then fucked off for the rest of the day.

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Finally, the Genius Bar surrounding Trump came up with a great idea: they would release everything, put it all on a searchable website to “overwhelm the MAGAsphere with far greater volumes of information – in the form of a giant database.” Todd Blanche would then go on Joe Rogan’s podcast and brag about how transparent the administration was.

We can think of a serious problem with this scenario. It severely underestimates the number of MAGA people who would be willing to devote hours and hours of each and every day to combing through the files in search of incriminating information. Right-wing influencers would have crowd-sourced it to their audiences. To say nothing of the Democrat-aligned groups who would also have access to the material.

It might have taken a little longer, but eventually all sorts of stuff would have filtered out to the public. And there would be enough of it to keep the story going for months, maybe years. Every time the administration thought they heard the last of it, something new would get everyone talking again. It would keep coming back up, much like Melania’s gorge whenever her husband starts pawing at her like a hyperactive Labradoodle.

In fact, this is exactly where the whole nipple story comes into, uh, play. Everyone in the administration who had heard that story thought it was obvious nonsense. But:

An administration official had already searched for Trump-related materials on the still-private test version of the website, and the nipple material was among the first items to show up. None of the credibility issues would come into consideration if a government-endorsed database gave Ransome’s claim about Trump a stamp of validity.

There are still people who believe the pee tape really exists. Sure, that story quieted down a long time ago. But one reason it stuck around was that it came out of a seemingly legit search for dirt. Imagine if the nipple story seemed to have the imprimatur of the Trump-led government. What a mess.

In the end, the database did not go online. And as everyone knows, the story is nowhere near going away. That’s even with Trump’s usual efforts to convince the readers of his TruthSocial feed and his fans who love to watch him yell at reporters that there is no there there. As always, he’s his own worst enemy because he goes into such a defensive mode that he sure makes it seem like there is in fact a there there.

Of course if he had stayed away from the creepy pedophile thirty years ago, none of this would be a story at all. But if he had stayed away from the creepy pedophile and his stable of underage girls, he wouldn’t be Donald Trump. It’s quite a conundrum.

All of this is in Haberman and Swan’s new book releasing on June 23, and there are reports that it is already pissing Trump off. So, look for some good meltdowns around then. Hopefully those won’t include the president taking out his anger by invading Canada or nuking Tehran.

[New York Times]

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