Hand-Job Granny Lauren Boebert Expected To Finish 1st In CO's 4th

Not much stiff competition for the party screecher.

It’s primary day in Colorado, yeehaw! And a certain vapin’, gropin’, shootin’, hard-partyin’ meemaw is favored to finish first in the GOP’s race for the Fourth Congressional District. She’s way ahead in the polls, though in the race for the trashiest candidate she’s got some stiff competition! 

The voters of the Fourth District have checked out the goods, and apparently they like what they see. She’s 32 points ahead of her five rivals, state Reps. Richard Holtorf of Akron and Mike Lynch of Wellington, conservative radio host Deborah Flora, former state Sen. Jerry Sonnenberg of Sterling, and Peter Yu, a consultant in the banking industry, who are all polling between 3 and 5 percent. 

And there’s a solid chance that come November we’ll all get two more years to be dazzled by the antics of one of the House’s loudest screechers. Though also a chance we won’t! Internal polling in May by the leading Democratic challenger, Ike McCorkle, showed him leading her by 41% to 27% in the district, as well as Trump ahead by double digits. 

Possibly a bolloxing loss for what should be the safest of GOP seats, but if anyone can do it, she can! In 2022 she barely squeezed out a victory in the Third Congressional District, by a flaccid 546 votes, which is probably why she bagged her dirty carpets and headed east to a seat with a 27-point Republican advantage, after Ken Buck retired from it.

Today, she’s facing some GOP challengers who might be even more repulsive than she is, which is a marvel to behold.

One is Richard Holtorf, who has all the charms of a bloated ham left out in the rain. He called a colleague “Buckwheat” on the House floor, then later claimed he didn’t know it was a racial slur. He accidentally dropped his gun on the House floor, butterfingers! He’s griped that Boebert dresses like “a prostitute,” and calls opponent Deborah Flora “Little Debbie,” and insists how he talks about women is fine because he has five daughters. So yeah, he’s one of those.

Oh, and he thinks abortion should be illegal, and has advanced legislation to make it so, yet admitted to paying for a girlfriend's abortion on the House floor, suddenly Gloria Steinem once he was fixing to get outed on his audacious bullshit, and also impregnated “another beautiful woman,” who gave the baby up for adoption. Condoms, what are those? (The devil.)

When recently confronted by interviewer Kyle Clark over his mind-numbing hypocrisy, Holtorf exploded into a mess of deflection and brain-pretzeling to Holtorfsplain why Richard Holtorf’s abortion is the only moral abortion.

Get a load of this smarmy jackass starting at the 36:00 mark below:

“If abortion was the best choice for your girlfriend, why deny that choice to other women?” queried Clark.

“I don’t! I don’t!”

“You have voted to restrict abortion access to other women,” Clark puzzled.

“Well, and I have! I wrote a bill…”

A-doikey whutta-whert-whut?

“Why was it okay when you were the father? [...] I AM JUST READING YOUR OWN WORDS!” sighed an exasperated, exhausted Clark.

Holtorf eventually conceded that there should be exceptions. Deadplanned Clark, “Is one of those exceptions when Richard Holtorf is the father?”

And then there’s former state Minority Leader Mike Lynch, who was arrested in 2022 on a boozy-doozy of a DUI. He was stopped going 90 MPH, after he pulled up beside a state trooper who was in the left lane, then zoomed past him like a fucking genius.

After he was stopped, a confused and booze-soaked Lynch told the trooper he had a knife, and also a gun, and reached for the gun. Which would have gotten a lot of people shot! Then he blew an 0.165, more than twice CO’s legal limit, and told the trooper he was going to call a state patrol captain he knew, and got all don’t you know who I am! Later, he tried to excuse his Tara Reid routine by lamely saying he just wanted to keep the people he worked with informed. Uh huh.

Is all that trashier than Beetleboob’s vapey gropey theater antics, or the time she didn’t show up for her son’s court dates but skipped work to worship Lord and Savior Donald Trump at his, or got so shitfaced at the New York Young Republican Club’s gala they had to cut her off, or when she let her pit bulls run loose and they attacked a neighbor’s dog, or the time she rolled her car into a ditch, or posed the family on the Christmas card with an arsenal of weapons, or when she yelled at Biden during the State of the Union, or that time she called Rep. Ilhan Omar a terrorist, or when she was Tweeting about 1776 and pro-coup, or that time she claimed that schools were  "putting litter boxes in schools for people who identify as cats"...

Well, nah, Beetleboob wins the trash Olympics as usual, and it’s not even really close. But Congress’s loss is comedy’s gain!

Polls close at 7 p.m. Mountain Time, so get out there, Colorado!