Happy 80th Birthday, Rudy! Here's Your Arizona Fake Electors Indictment!
Grown women wept.
Scotch-soaked sleep paralysis demon Rudy Giuliani got a hand-delivered gift from Maricopa County Arizona at his 80th birthday bash in Palm Beach Friday night, and it wasn’t a dreamcatcher! Why, it was notice of that fake-elector scheme indictment from the attorney general that he’s been brazenly and openly ducking service of.
Criming tip, if you’re trying to avoid being poked by the long schlong of the law, don’t blast email invitations out to 200 blabbermouth guests with the date and location of your party, along with a link to the Amazon gift registry. Or livestream it!
Bragged a guest to “Page Six” the day before the party, “Everyone in Palm Beach wants to attend. It’s like the ‘Hunger Games’ to try and get in!” (Trying to get in is the exact opposite of the plot of Hunger Games, but never mind.)
You may recall that Rudy was one of 18 people charged in the Arizona fake-electors scheme on April 25, and the only one who hadn’t been served yet. John Eastman, Mark Meadows, Boris Epshteyn, Kelli Ward, Mike Roman, Jenna Ellis, Christina Bobb, Nancy Cottle, James Lamon, Lorraine Pelligrino, Jacob Hoffman, Anthony Kern, Samuel Moorhead, Gregory Safsten, Robert Montgomery, and Tyler Bower all accepted their subpoenas. But not that Rudy! He’d been lying to anyone who would listen that if Arizona can’t find him to notify him then the indictment doesn’t count, no takebacks, and the Attorney General must then throw the indictment in the air with an OH SHUCKS.
Rudy was, of course, US Attorney for the Southern District of New York himself before he was mayor, and knows danged well that the next step for him would’ve been a contempt charge and cuffs for his delicate octogenarian wrists. And lest his booze-soaked brain has forgotten, the Arizona AG told him he had until next Tuesday to cut his bullshit. But like pretty much everybody in Trumpistan, he makes up his own reality and lies, just for the fun of getting one over on the stupids who are willing to believe him. Or maybe he really is crazy! Who knows, he’s the Trump crime family’s Uncle Junior.
Rudy had been crowing about how he was dodging service of his notice of indictment, and in-your-faced to the other defendants: “They seem like little sheep who have gone to the slaughter pretty easily. I’m not a little sheep that goes to the slaughter at all. Not for you, not for anybody else.”
He couldn’t do his bragging on the radio any more, though, because the Trump supporter who owns WABC New York canceled him because he wouldn’t quit making false election claims or bringing up Dominion voting systems.
When agents showed up at his New York condo the day after he was indicted, the surely under-tipped person at the front desk told them Rudy couldn’t come to the door right now. Then Rudy had his driver cruise by Columbia U so he could bitch from the passenger seat to whoever would listen that the NYPD wasn't being tough enough on protestors, though it was hard to hear what he was saying over the New Yorker who was screaming “LOCK HIM UP! RUDY GIULIANI, GO TO JAIL! NEW YORK HATES YOU! YOU CAN’T SHOW YOUR FACE IN NEW YORK!”
But back to what you really want to know, what tacky shit did he put on that Amazon registry? Reported Page Six, it included a home sleeper chair that converts to a bed, a Braun electric razor, ceiling paint, LED chandeliers, a Shure microphone, a “cooling” comforter, an iPad, a document scanner, a podcasting mic boom, the Armani Acqua Di Giò spritz, and a flat-screen TV worth $3,199.
What is going on in Rudy’s condo that the ceiling is getting stained? If you know, please don’t tell us. Wonder which gifts guests Roger Stone and Steve Bannon brought?
Last we dropped in on poor little rich Rudy, he was whining in court that he just couldn’t file the financial documents in the bankruptcy filing that he asked for because no CPA would touch his cooked books, and just couldn’t live on the $43,000 a month he gets from his pensions. The poor guy can’t even afford his own paint!
Party hostess Caroline Wren made noises like she was super pissed that the process servers dropped in on her fete: “While crime in Arizona is at an all time high the Arizona Secretary of State’s office felt it was a good use of resources to send multiple agents across the country to storm an 80th birthday party like it was Normandy,” huffed the lady who tipped them off herself by being really fucking obvious about her party.
These people!
Also, OPEN THREAD!
I just visited Normandy a few years ago and walked solemnly through the gravesites where thousands of men gave their lives fighting Nazis. So yeah, invoking that particular event in relation to a scofflaw finally getting served… I’ve flipped a table already.
New episode of All Potted Up On The Weed, with a guest recipe from Chicken ate my Ballot.
https://open.substack.com/pub/ziggywiggy/p/all-potted-up-on-the-weed-1c9?r=2knfuc&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web