Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Have Nothing To Do With Joe Biden's Retirement. Pinky Swear!
Russia's favorite strongman issues a strong denial.
Greetings, rancid ass-hairs of Wonkette! It is I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, here to, how you say, chill like DeMille with you? Rap like Shaq? Party like Harvey?
Excuse please, English idioms are so confusing! In Russia we would simply say Vladimir is here to enlighten you and you will sit there and listen to his wisdom or he will send you to Siberian labor camp. Admittedly it is a bit wordier.
Ha ha, I kid! Okay, no, I don’t. In Russia you listen to your president or you spend rest of life digging hole in Siberia. And then refilling hole. And then digging hole. And then refilling hole again. And then digging hole again. And so on.
Or you can go help glorious Russian army defeat phony nation of Ukraine in battle. Phony Ukrainians are, what is word, so irritating! They continue to refuse gift of Russian conquest! They refuse to stop shooting soldiers we send running at their trenches!
Russian victory in war was supposed to be easy! We were supposed to have KHL expansion team in Kiev by now!
Perhaps Wonkette would like to join Russian army? And by “join” I mean you would like to be dragged to front and forced to run across field at Ukrainian lines while phony Ukrainians shoot real machine guns at you. You can make game of it! First one to not get shot wins prize!
What is prize? How about not sending you to Siberian labor camp? Ha ha ha, I kid! How about a one-hundred-ruble gift card to Moscow Aldi’s? Frozen herring is very cheap there. Your weird American man-boy Tucker Carlson was very impressed by it.
Is good deal! Did Stalin temper yelling of Ni shigu nazad at Russian soldiers with promises of Aldi’s gift cards if they lived? He did not! Reward for anyone who didn’t get shot running across open fields at German lines on Tuesday was trying to not get shot running across open fields at German lines on Wednesday. And then Thursday, and so on, with no promise of off-brand box of cornflakes if they made it back to Moscow. Was primitive time.
But enough with recruitment pitch. Wonkette, I am here today for very serious subject. It seems your fake American news CNN wrote another fake story about Russian intelligence services performing glorious acts of sabotage in Europe to punish European nations for interfering in special military operation.
For example, fake CNN says Russia tried to assassinate German industrialist to punish him for making weapons to send to “nation” of Ukraine. But United States found out and warned Germany, plot was foiled, and German industrialist remains happily alive and polonium-free.
Vladimir would never say this is true story. What Vladimir will say is that Mother Russia has very specific historical reasons to dislike German industrialists who make weapons to be used against mighty Russian military. What is it your George Bush said? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, get 9mm bullet from Makarov pistol in back of noggin.
Now, have heroic Russian intelligence services attempted to sabotage degenerate Western nations’ support for Ukraine by hacking and disrupting Europe’s rail service, jamming civilian GPS systems, plotting to bomb decadent American military bases, and setting Lithuanian IKEA on fire? Nyet! Russia would never do such things!
Okay, maybe the IKEA one. Vladimir may or may not have gotten a little frustrated setting up Storemolla dresser and ordered FSB to teach IKEA lesson. In defense, instructions were very confusing! Where are drawer slides? Why are there ten bolts in box when dresser needs twelve? You pay 60,000 rubles for furniture, you should not have to pay 10,000 more to Taskrabbit to assemble!
Americans blame Vladimir for everything. Bombings. Hackings. Anti-Hillary reddit threads. Balanced MLB schedule. Everything! So silly. Especially the hacking. Russia would never do that. Again. Especially since effete CIA agents figured it out the last time we tried.
This is problem. America has — what is idiom — gotten wise. Much harder to fool you with, as your president says, malarkey. Much harder to, say, make Joe Biden suddenly get old, causing massive paralyzing schism in Democratic Party over his candidacy four months before election, while at same time sending assassin to purposely miss shot at Donald Trump, earning him days of sympathetic coverage from immoral media sycophants at New York Times and catapulting him to glorious victory.
Not that noble Russian intelligence services ever would! Or would we? Of course we wouldn’t. Or maybe? No.
Ha ha ha, you should see your chubby-cheeked American faces! So confused! Like Donald Trump Jr. with laser pointer.
Hold please, Vladimir is getting news alert on heroic Russian-made smartphone — is like your iPhone, but with more spyware and exploding — let us see what is so important …
O, bozhe! Joe Biden has dropped from president race! He has turned campaign over to the vibrant laughing woman! This was doomsday scenario FSB told me would ruin operation!
Er, excuse please. Vladimir meant to say something else. You heard nothing!
Wonkette survives and remains polonium-free thanks to the generous support of our readers.
So many fake stories of glorious Russian dirty ops in Europe! We are proud of and deny them!
I was born in the nuclear era. Russian state actors (not the good peoples) are the baddies and have been the baddies for a century. Not just because of communism, but because they are a mafioso secret police state, and that has survived several economic system changes. No doubt a Republican fascism would employ the same. Office of Retribution = falling out of windows.