Hooray, Dean Phillips F*cking Off!
Coulda done this months ago.
Hallelu, hallelu!
Barely an hour after Wonkette published its surely Peabody-award winning article “OK Dean Phillips, Time To F*ck Off” this morning, the news announced that Dean Phillips is indeed preparing to set sail on his fucking off ship, destination: out of our fucking faces.
Did Wonkette make that happen? Pfffffft, does Wonkette’s daily tabs post make the sun rise in the morning? No, and also no.
Occam’s razor and science suggest the weight of Phillips’s failures in his pathetic attempted spoiler run against President Joe Biden simply became too great to bear, it’s now too embarrassing to show his face in public, and some other kinds of boo hoo we haven’t even thought of yet:
"I'm going to suspend my campaign, and I will be right now endorsing President Biden. The choices are so clear ... we only have two of them, and it's going to be Donald Trump or Joe Biden," Phillips said on Wednesday afternoon in a radio interview.
That’s damned fucking right.
It turns out it’s not a winning formula to buy into the media’s both-sides-ing hype about Joe Biden’s age and its horse-racing concern trolling about Biden’s inability to beat Donald Trump — notwithstanding how he’s beat the living shit out of Trump once, Democrats have beat the living shit out of Republicans in every race since 2017, and oh yeah, 2016 wasn’t even a victory for Trump, if you’re not impressed by victories that require reacharounds from the Electoral College, the FBI, and Russia.
And it turns out having a resume that says “gelato business” and “Dunning-Kruger Syndrome” isn’t a winning formula for mounting a primary challenge against an incumbent president, declaring you’re the only one who can save us, especially when you have pretty much no discernible personality.
Phillips tweeted yesterday that his wife Annalise “has always found I respond better to honey than vinegar when she asks me to drop something. Just sayin…” (An awkward and not at all charming tweet? Yes.)
Wonkette would like to proudly state for the record that we were never nice to him, not for one second, and we’re not going to start now, so stick that vinegar in your honey.
Now go campaign for Biden, kthxbye.
[ABC News]
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"Dean Phillips is indeed preparing to set sail on his fucking off ship, destination: out of our fucking faces."
Pure poetry. Perfection. I feel more sophisticated having read these words.
>>Phillips tweeted yesterday that his wife Annalise “has always found I respond better to honey than vinegar when she asks me to drop something. Just sayin…"<<
Oh fuck off with your faux populist folksiness, you actual nobody. Besides, I figure vinegar was more appropriate given your demonstrable douchebagitude.