How Hilariously Sh*tty Will Mike Johnson's Day Be Today?
Previewing the possibilities!
Today is the day! The new Congress convenes at noon Eastern, and one of the first orders of business will be to vote to decide whether House Speaker Mike Johnson — you know him, the skeevy conservative Christian guy with the No Boners app on his phone that alerts his teenage son if Dad starts heavy breathing looking at PornHub! —gets to remain House speaker.
You’d think it would be fine, right? The Republicans kept their majority, and Johnson is good at speakerin’, we are sure?
Haha no.
He is not good at speakerin’, first of all — literally anything that got passed last Congress was because Johnson had to beg Democrats to help — and Republicans are just not made for governing or anything else that involves being a serious person. And part of Donald Trump’s “landslide” involved the Democrats actually gaining ground in the House, though they did not retake it, so it will be even tougher than before.
How tough? As of today, Mike Johnson’s majority is one (1) (uno) (eins) (un). It would have been one more than that (i.e. two) but LMAO Matt Gaetz, bye bye, fucker.
That means if one (1) (uno) (eins) (un) Republican tells Johnson to go eat a bag of dicks (bolsa de penes) (Tüte voller Schwänze) (sac de bites), then he’s done-zo, or at least America is in for however long it takes for Republicans to stop armpit farting in each other’s mouths and elect a speaker.
They’re so good at electing speakers, as we all know.
Rep. Thomas Massie of Kentucky, who looks at all times like a dog who’s been left outside swimming in a muddy creek during a rainstorm, says he won’t vote for Johnson. So that’s one right there! Anyway, he thinks Johnson sucks and is bad at everything (like many other Republicans quietly do), and he’s not scared of crossing Donald Trump, whose tepid endorsement Johnson has:
“I don’t know how to say this without cussing,” Massie said, when asked about pressure to fall in line. “If they thought I had no Fs to give before, I definitely have no Fs to give now.” […]
“I’m a single man now. I’ve lost my wife, and she was probably the nicest part of me,” he said. “What do I have to lose?”
Massie won’t say how much if any support he has for ousting Johnson, or disclose his plans for an alternative speaker, other than to say he will vote for a person, not just vote “present.”
If you are interested in more gossip about Thomas Massie, the Wall Street Journal has some.
As the Washington Post reports, there are some Freedom Caucus types who are undecided. Punchbowl says about “a dozen hardliners” could be a problem. For instance, Chip Roy of Texas, who’s been real yappy about this, and who Trump has been personally leaning on, reportedly. Johnson, of course, has also been meeting with problematic members who don’t even think Jesus personally selected him for the speakership like he does.
We saw that loon Victoria Spartz from Indiana — the super insane one (reportedly!) from Indiana with the thick Ukrainian accent who just makes sense all the time — on TV yelling at clouds in broken English about why she is undecided on Johnson. Were we able to understand what she said? No, and it’s not her accent, it is that she is too batshit.
Punchbowl lays out some scenarios for what could happen today. Their description of “multiple ballots” is illuminating, and funny:
2) Multiple ballots. This seems within the realm of possibility at this point – something that Johnson’s aides are admitting privately. Think about just how many Republicans are wobbly on Johnson’s leadership: Roy, Boebert, Norman, and Spartz, along with GOP Reps. Andy Biggs (Ariz.), Eric Burlison (Mo.), Tim Burchett (Tenn.), Andrew Clyde (Ga.), Eli Crane (Ariz.), Michael Cloud (Texas), Andy Harris (Md.) and Scott Perry (Pa.).
If just one of them votes with Massie for another named candidate besides Johnson, the speaker can’t win.
LMAO, all of these people are such spare parts. Anyway, read Punchbowl for all the scenarios!
For all the gossip on what happens if House Republicans completely fuck around and can’t get a speaker elected today, tomorrow, or by January 6, check out that WaPo link. Spoiler, but they could probably deputize somebody to act as speaker that day for limited purposes, so don’t get your hopes up that they’re going to prevent the election from being certified with their clownassery and incompetence.
We are sure it will all work out fine, though. These white Republican men and a handful of white Republican women are consummate professionals who are good at stuff, Mike Johnson most of all.
Congratulations to everyone in advance on your day of being good at government!
[Wall Street Journal / Punchbowl]
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>>“I’m a single man now. I’ve lost my wife, and she was probably the nicest part of me,” he said. “What do I have to lose?”<<
Translation: I may be an asshole, but at least I'm a self-aware asshole.
I am a Christian, but not a good one, like Jimmy Carter. I hope that Fake Moses' day is a living hell for him, but highly entertaining for those watching him squirm.