Good morning. Let’s call this staff meeting to order. Hi everyone! If you don’t know me, I’m Stephen, I’m your new chief of staff, and I’m super-excited to be here working with all of you to fulfill President Trump’s agenda to Make America Great Again!
First, a couple of notes. I want to thank Susie Wiles for the incredible job she did steering the ship around here the first two years of this administration. It’s a tough gig, working for such a demanding perfectionist like Donald Trump. You can never get a good night’s sleep because you know he’s going to call at 4 A.M. to talk about his latest awesome decorating idea or tell you he’s been hitting the button over and over again and you still haven’t brought him his Diet Coke, AND WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU WITH MY DIET COKE, YOU RINO, and then you have to explain to him that the Diet Coke button is in the Oval and he’s upstairs in the residence. Then he wants you to tell him what button he’s been pushing for the last twenty minutes just as the Pentagon calls on the other line to confirm the launch order.
Phew! That’s why we don’t keep the nuke button on the desk next to the Diet Coke button, people. He’s really not supposed to have access to any buttons at all, because he’ll just push them over and over to see what they do. Next thing you know there’s a mushroom cloud over Chicago or his heart pump is going crazy and we have to do something about that because nobody wants to work for JD Vance, right? Right.
So like I said, it’s a tough gig. It’s understandable if Susie got burned out or if my wife spent weeks secretly lobbying for the president to push her out and give me the job. If I could give you young people any wisdom to carry through life, it’s find someone who loves you and has your best interests at hard. And if she was born out of the cursed and sickly womb of Shala the Eternal Night Eater? Bonus!
Which reminds me, I know a lot of you call my wife “Magda” and I want you to know how much she loves it. She’s stuck at home all day with nothing but our four kids, her podcast, our money, and armed security to guard our home and take her everywhere she needs to go. So this really makes her feel like one of the team.
You’re going to notice a couple of changes around here in the next few weeks as we transition from Susie to me. The first change is that no one is to use the word transition in any context like I just did, or I’ll have your tongue surgically removed by the White House medical staff and replaced with a rock that will be permanently affixed in your mouth using the same superglue the president uses to glue all that gold to the Oval Office walls.
And we all know it’s the strongest glue out there, because President Trump would not use it otherwise. He knows his adhesives from his days in construction, where I’ll remind you all he was even more successful than he’s been as president.
Which reminds me, some of you haven’t been telling him how successful he is at least once a day. I’ll remind you that excessive daily toadying is part of your employment contract! Natalie is recording who is fulfilling their obligation and who doesn’t every day. If at the end of the day she hands me that list and you’re not on it, I will have you shot.
Ha ha! Kidding! I wouldn’t have you shot. I will, however, flay you alive and peel your skin from your bones like I’m peeling a banana, All while ignoring your screams of agony.
Your screams ... sustain me.
Where was I? Oh right, superglue. Why do you think President Trump told a reporter that the next president needs to be very careful if he redecorates? It’s because there’s enough gold trinkets glued to the walls to have become load-bearing. But if the next guy wants to pull all that stuff off until the Oval Office collapses on his head, too bad. It’s the price he’ll pay for trying to get rid of President Trump’s wonderful, historic decor.
Anyway, what other changes will you see as we move on from Susie and into the Black Era of Suffer — excuse me, as we move into the Stephen Miller Era? There are a couple more that may seem drastic, even shocking. But don’t worry, I promise you will get used to them.
And if you don’t, I can have the Secret Service taze you and remove you from the premises by putting you in President Trump’s golden trebuchet on the lawn and hurtling you into the Potomac.
Kidding! Ha ha, I’m kidding! What I wanted to say is that if you have any questions or concerns, my door is always open! Except between three and four P.M. That’s my daily puppy-disemboweling hour, and it is very sacred to me and to my personal relationship with my lord and savior Lorgo the Dark Destroyer, who demands sacrifice. Not that I mind! I actually find it relaxing.
Anyone who interrupts me between three and four can be assured of immediately being cast into the Pit of Nocturnal Terrors for all eternity. And I don’t mean the one the vice president’s furniture falls into after his family’s asleep. Ha ha!
Anyway, change number two: No one is to look me in the eye. Ever. It enrages me. Your HR rep might have told you that when you were being onboarded, and those of you who have been here for a while have heard stories. Let me assure you that all of them are true. Even the one involving a certain insolent intern and a pack of genetically engineered wild boars I keep at a farm way out in Virginia that I bought through multiple shell companies. Let me tell you something, my boars were even gassier than usual for a month after that one.
I could have just thrown him into the Pit of Nocturnal Terrors, of course, but that’s a bit more work. All that chanting and summoning! The wild boars are a good backup for when I’m feeling a little lazy. You all better pray to whatever false god you believe in that I’m feeling lazy more often than I’m feeling chanty and summon-y. It’s faster.
Plus, it ends eventually! Whereas the Pit of Nocturnal Terrors is eternal.
Does anyone have any other business that didn’t get put on the agenda? No? Great. I’ll see you all at 11 for the weekly bloodletting. Remember Susie’s advice and wear raincoats.
And remember, I’m super-pumped to be here!
Care to donate to Wonkette? It’s cheaper than heroin and you’ll still remember to shower.
The main headline at Foxnews.com right now:
"Republican lawmakers left in 'disbelief' after Trump names Stephen Miller chief of staff"
😃
@ClaireMax 15h
Which would you rather have:
Shania Law: it is mandatory for all women to go totally crazy, forget you’re a lady
Shakira Law: hips are legally forbidden to lie
Shawarma Law: at least one shawarma must be consumed per household per day
Sangria Law: all public water fountains now dispense sangria instead of water