Good morning, everyone. What I want to talk about is that you reporters keep asking me about this renaming thing. What’s the point? Why is it necessary? And the answer is pretty simple. If we are handing this whole mess over to Donald Trump to renovate — and no one knows better how to renovate or even build a whole new building than Donald Trump, he’s the greatest — then you have to entice him. You have to give him something for it.
Because Donald Trump is the greatest builder to ever live. He loves to build! It’s fun for him! Which is why we have to let him destroy America so he can rebuild America! And as a token of our appreciation, we need to let him put his name on the country.
No, I don’t mean renaming a city for him, or a river, or a mountain range. Although all those would be appropriate. I mean the country’s name. If Donald Trump wants to make America’s official name Trump Nation or Donald J. Trump’s America or even just Donald J. Trump, it is a small price to pay for the beautiful country we’ll all get in return.
Yes, I am very serious! No, I have nothing in my system but coffee and joy. We’ve already started the work. We have to let Donald Trump finish it. He doesn’t want to walk away with it only half done. Would you have wanted Michaelangelo to walk away from the Sistine Chapel after he had only painted a couple of cherubs on it?
Many of you are saying the people will be unhappy about this. But the people know that Donald Trump is the greatest builder the world has ever seen. Better than the Romans! Better than the pharaohs!
What, you think Donad Trump couldn’t have built the pyramids? Let me tell you something, Donald Trump wouldn’t have needed 20 years to build the Pyramid of Djoser, I promise you that. All the pyramids would have been on time, on budget, and even more magnificent. Everyone would have loved them! The Israelites wouldn’t have wanted to flee Egypt because they would have wanted to be able to walk out their doors every morning and admire Donald Trump’s work.
Okay, yes, their work. But it would have been Donald Trump’s vision and his relentless work ethic that would have gotten it done. The man would have been up all night, every night, like he is now. And if he sent a messenger to fetch me from my concubine’s bed at three in the morning so he could talk to me about all his ideas, I’d have said to Annipe or Nefertiti or whatever my concubine’s name was, “Sorry about leaving you alone and unfulfilled in the sack, babe, but I’m going to go talk to the greatest builder the world has ever known: Pharoah Trump!”
So yes, I am confident the Israelites would have wanted to remain enslaved so they could admire the pyramids because they would have respected Donald Trump that much. Who loves Israel more than Donald Trump?
Now look. All we are saying is that if Donald Trump is going to rebuild America, we need to acknowledge his contribution in a way that truly means something. Otherwise, what’s the point? Why would he waste his time? And don’t we put donors’ names on museums and hospital wings and university libraries?
This is the same thing! If Donald Trump is going to rebuild America, it’s only fair to change its official name to Donald J. Trump’s America.
There is room for compromise, though! Maybe something like The United States of Donald J. Trump, or Donald J. Trump’s United States of America.
See, after two centuries of neglect by Congress and prior administrations, America is structurally unsound. It’s falling apart! There are chunks of concrete falling off it. When you walk in, it’s no longer beautiful or extraordinary. We’ve had experts look at it, the world’s greatest experts, and they all agree! They all think we should close the place while the renovations are going on.
Now, we would rather not close America for a couple of years while we’re doing the work. But it’s not safe now. And if Donald Trump — again, the greatest builder since Ptolemy I built the Mouseion of Alexandria — can’t be allowed to do things his way, America will need to be closed down for safety purposes.
Because President Trump is only president for two and a half more years. If doing this renovation the way everyone else is nagging about and it takes 10 years, then why would he bother? What, he’s going to only do one-fifth of it? Why would we take away the greatest builder since the Romans when the project is only one-fifth done?
And so what happens is, America doesn’t get renovated. And then it remains an unsafe structure, and pretty soon it becomes unusable, and eventually it collapses from neglect. We all know that’s what you do with buildings that are a couple of hundred years old and have never been renovated.
What Donald Trump is saying is, that doesn’t have to happen! Why would we let that happen when we’ve got the greatest builder since the Incans were carving their civilization out of the jungle just sitting right there, ready and willing and more than happy to give us his time and expertise?
Perhaps everywhere we write the name, we put “America,” and then right below it we put “Rebuilt and Restored to Greatness by Donald J. Trump.” I can’t imagine anyone, even Democrats, objecting to that. And it would fit easily on our money.
Or how about “America, Made Great Again by Donald Trump”? Something like that? So long as it isn’t too awkward to sing. “America, made great again by Donald Trump, America, made great again by Donald Trump, God sheds His grace on thee...”
Who am I, Stephen Sondheim? I’ll let the lyricists figure out how to make it work. You know who’s a great lyricist who would be happy to help out? Donald Trump! You all know how much he loves musicals.
Think about it! Everyone everywhere around the world forever and ever will see Donald J. Trump’s America, or America as Restored to Glory by Donald J. Trump, and know that America must truly be the greatest, because Donald J. Trump, the greatest construction manager of all time, was responsible for building it.
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Dear Howie,
Fuck off, traitor.
Regards,
America
Howard Nutlick