If Jared Kushner's Name Was Hunter Biden Somebody Might Actually Care About This Grifty-Ass-Sh*t!
Thank you Ron Wyden!
Let us check in again on Jared Kushner! When we last dropped in on Ivanka’s waxen-faced husband, old Poppy Trump’s son-in-law, he was managing about $3 billion in an international private equity investment fund through a company he founded, Affinity Partners. It was so weird how the Kush had zero experience managing an international private equity investment fund, and then two seconds after he left the White House, the Saudi Arabians stuffed the pockets of his skinny-cut trousers with $2 billion in cash! But he was like, why not give it a whirl?
THIS FUCKING GUY.
Surely this was not as payback for the many favors his father-and-law did for Saudi Arabia, or a little sweetener in his teapot for favors they hope to get in the future! They also invested $1 billion Saudibux in former Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin’s Liberty Strategic Capital, and Mnuchin actually does have experience as a successful investor. But Kushner looks twice as smart, even if he happens to be less qualified than a used-car salesman trying to sign you up for a finance plan.
PREVIOUSLY! MORE!
The whole setup sounded sketchy to the Senate Finance Committee too, and they’ve been sniffing around Affinity Partners. Surprise, it’s all smelling real corrupt-y. Even corruptier than it smelled before! (But Hunter Biden! Laptop! Dong pics! )
First, the investors themselves. There’s Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund, headed by Crown Prince Mohammed bin Bonesaw, who put in $2 billion over the objections of everyone else on the board. The rest comes from Qatar, the United Arab Emirates, and the Taiwanese investor Terry Gou (who founded Foxconn, maker of two-thirds of the world’s iPhones but none in Wisconsin). And then there’s also another foreign investor whom Affinity Partners refuses to name. A shade shady! Hey, why aren’t Americans allowed to get in on the ground floor of this amazing investment opportunity?
Then there’s how his investment fund is not doing much investing. At the end of 2023, it had only invested $535 million, and by the end of July of 2024, $1.1 billion. The rest of the cash has just been sitting in the Bank of America, while clients have been paying management fees that have added up to about $157 million so far. The clients could do a whole lot better than a return of zero by sticking that money in a savings account at the First Nebraska Credit Union, which wouldn’t even charge them millions for the privilege of holding it. Sure, one invests in hopes of getting bigger returns than the management fees, somewhere down the road. But that would require the money to be actually getting invested!
And then there’s the terms. The investors must keep their money in and keep paying those fees until 2026, which would fall right in the middle of a second Trump presidency, should such a thing come to pass, heaven forbid, cross yourself and spit. Sure sounds like a conflict of interest that would dissuade them from taking their money out. Hey, is this just a way to take bald-faced, serum-moisturized bribes right out in the open?
Wrote Captain Obvious, aka Senator Ron Wyden, Democrat from Oregon, in a letter to Affinity: “Affinity’s investors may not be motivated by commercial considerations but rather the opportunity to funnel foreign government money to members of President Trump’s family, namely Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump.”
Or as we call them, Janky.
Affinity has made some investments. There’s:
Shlomo Group, an Israeli car-leasing and financing company; Dubizzle Group, a Dubai-based online real estate site; EGYM, a Munich-based electronic fitness company; Mosaic, a California-based solar lending site; and Zamp, an Abu Dhabi-backed fast food company that operates more than 1,000 restaurants in Brazil. The pace of new investments has accelerated considerably this year, including the Israeli financial services firm Phoenix Holdings Ltd. and QXO, a building products company based in Connecticut.
Israeli rental cars, great thing to invest in right now. Guess they will go with the resort Kushner is hoping to build in restful, soothing Gaza? Wait, isn’t solar power the whole “Green Energy Scam” that Poppy-in-law and JD Vance have been so pig-biting-mad about? Why, it’s almost like he has no idea what he’s doing, and doesn’t plan on making anybody any money at all!
And “Dubizzle”? DUBIZZLE? He’s doing DUBIZZNESS!
O.O
Janky’s also got plans to build resorts in the Balkans, partnering with the governments of Albania and Serbia. In Serbia, Kushner wants to build a “memorial dedicated to all the victims of NATO aggression.” Because poor Slobodan Milošević got cancel-cultured for attempting to genocide ethnic Albanians in Kosovo, until mean old Bill Clinton and NATO stepped in to stop him. Turns out Slobby was actually the good guy, who knew? (That was sarcasm, he was not the good guy.)
O.O
Hey, remember how the Kush couldn’t even get a security clearance until Poppy Trump stepped in? Nobody knows why, but being in deep debt leaves a person open to being compromised by foreign governments, or whoever might want to bribe them. And in deep debt Kushner was, at least until a Qatari-backed investment company bought 50 percent of his money-pit devil building at 666 Fifth Avenue.
LUCKIEST MAN.
The appearance of conflicts of interest have never been a concern of the Kush’s, that’s all we’re saying.
Give him the cash boys, free his soul, he wants to get lost in some riyal rolls and grift away!
OT: I finally figured out what RFK is doing with this ballot bullshit. He is limiting early voting. Every time he has his name removed or added to the ballot, the state has to mail out new ballots, reducing the amount of time available for mail in voting and thus reducing the number of people able to do so (he delayed mail in voting in north carolina by 3 weeks). And, as is well understood, early voting leans heavily democratic.
Fuck these assholes with a hot iron.
Shlomo, Dubizzle, Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!