If We Were Donald Trump, Last Night's Primary Results Would Give Us Panic Attacks

Loser loser loser.

Mar 20, 2024

Watch for him to start driving around in a bunch of funny figure 8’s, that’ll be a panic attack.

There were primaries last night in America. It might not be the biggest news in the presidential race, since both nominees officially cinched their nominations last week. Voters might not be that motivated to come out.

But if we were the Trump campaign, we would be absolutely panicking right about now, because of how Donald Trump is still consistently losing 20 percent of the primary vote, to Nikki Haley and others.

Let’s look at Trump’s home state of Florida, home of some of the tackiest, most classless Republicans in the country, i.e. the kind who teach their kids Trump is a good guy to look up to. His people! In Florida, where Trump won 94 percent in the primary in 2020, he only won 81.2 percent last night. Meanwhile, 13.9 percent went for Nikki Haley, who quit the race after Super Tuesday, and 3.7 percent made a point of voting for Ron DeSantis, their governor who dropped out of the race humiliated months ago and endorsed Trump.

You want to talk about humiliating? Trump’s results are humiliating. And before anybody wonders if Democrats are playing in the Florida Republican primary, the answer is no, Florida is a closed primary state.

The results for Trump are humiliating across the board.

Last night in Ohio, Donald Trump won 79.2 percent of the vote. Nikki Haley, 14.4. Ron DeSantis 3.4.

Last night in Kansas, Trump won 75.5 percent. Haley, 16.1. “None of the names shown,” 5.2.

Arizona only has 80 percent of the vote in, as of this writing, but Trump is running at 77.9 percent. Haley, 18.7. DeSantis, 1.6.

(Holy fucking important swing state, Batman!)

Illinois, with 93 percent in: Trump, 80.7 percent. Haley, 14.3, DeSantis, 2.8.

In Georgia last week, Trump did “well,” by which we mean he managed to eke out 84.7 percent of the vote. (Haley, 13.2, DeSantis, 1.3.)

We are sensing a pattern here, folks.

Despite how generally bonkers polling has been lately, one constant has been that voters are saying over and over again that if Trump is convicted of crimes — any crimes — they’ll be far less likely to support him. Well, he looks like a stone cold loser already, unable to make his $454 million bond in the case where he was found liable for rampant fraud in New York. He managed to make his bond in the E. Jean Carroll case, the one where he defamed the woman he’s been found liable for raping.

And his New York criminal trial is just about to begin. God knows what his horrible timeline will look like from then on.

By the way, in the places that had Democratic primaries last night, there was of course some non-Biden vote. It averaged out to more like 10 percent, as opposed to Trump’s 20.

But the thing is, between now and November, there’s really nowhere for Trump to go but down. He has no money. Everybody hates him. A number of Nikki Haley’s fundraisers are now backing Joe Biden.

Meanwhile, Biden has between now and November to bring wandering Democrats back into the fold. (Which is kind of always the story of this party vs. that party, and even moreso now that the GOP base is a literal religious cult.)

Yeah, if we were Trump, we’d be having full-blown panic attacks every day now.

Oh well, sucks for him, this is what happens when God has abandoned you forever.

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