Is Jack Smith's Subway Order A Machiavellian Power Flex On Donald Trump? CNN Has Time To Fill!

Come on guys.

Special Counsel Jack Smith is set to smack Donald Trump upside the head with yet another indictment, Trump’s third but probably not final one of 2023. It’s as if Trump joined the Columbia House Indictments Club (“12 indictments for just a penny!”). He didn’t check the fine print when he committed a coup, and now he’s stuck for life.

This is serious business, so obviously, CNN somberly reported on Jack Smith’s dining habits. CNN correspondent Katelyn Polantz, reporting on location Tuesday from Florida, told us, “Jack Smith is tight-lipped. He was spotted today by CNN going to Subway for lunch, picking up a sandwich, leaving and not saying a word.”

I wouldn’t want to talk to anyone either if I were caught leaving a Subway. I’d feel better giving a statement to the press while exiting a 1970s adult movie theater and wearing a trench coat.

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PREVIOUSLY:

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CNN anchor Dana Bash thanked Polantz for her hard-hitting Subway journalism. That was very gracious. When teeing up this scoop earlier, Bash claimed, “Jack Smith can’t resist a $5 footlong.” Wonkette apparently takes fact-checking more seriously than CNN, as we can’t confirm what Smith had in that plain brown bag. In his defense, it could’ve been filled with cocaine.

Also, Subway hasn’t offered the $5 footlong in years. (Subway franchise owners hated the promotion, because it was almost impossible to turn a profit, even with Subway’s generous definition of “ingredients.”)

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The CNN panel discussed Trump’s legal problems for a while before John King returned to the subject of pedophile-endorsed fast-food chains.

“Just one last point,” King said, “Jack Smith … remember when the classified documents target letter, when Trump announced that, there’s a lot of commentary, you know, is Jack Smith making a mistake here? Is he leaving this all to Donald Trump? And then they released the indictment and we all said, ‘Wow! Wow!’ We read it. We saw the documentation, we saw the level of detail. Jack Smith going to Subway today is a message to Donald Trump.”

OK, he lost me there. Is Jack Smith’s Subway sandwich like The Godfather’s horse head in the bed? That does sound more appetizing.

“Donald Trump tries to intimidate people,” King went on. “He tries to bully people. He tries to scare you away. That was Jack Smith, with no words and a simple $5 sub in his hand, saying I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

Subway no longer offers $5 footlongs! The dream is over.

Bash added, “Yeah, the imagery was intentional and spoke volumes.”

She’s really amped up her mind-reading game. Jack Smith went to Subway for a (lousy) sandwich, and these professional journalists are trying to spin this into three-dimensional chess — with zero evidence. I didn’t know you could just say things on national TV about a prosecutor’s motivations. They’ve should’ve gone all out and invited on a psychic and body language expert.

Besides, if Smith was trying to taunt Trump, he’d probably go to McDonald’s. They don’t serve Big Macs in prison. However, according to Fire and Fury author Michael Wolf, the reason Trump likes McDonald’s has nothing to do with personal enjoyment. It’s because all the food is premade and that limits the risk of his being poisoned. Yes, he’s that paranoid. He’d probably consider Subway’s made-to-order process a potentially lethal set-up.

I guess in that regard, Smith demonstrated that he’s not afraid of such a mundane action as ordering lunch, even if he chose poorly.

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