It's A Great Day For ALL OF US To F*ck Off Twitter/X Forever
Sorry about what Trump just did to you, Elon.
We’ve been reacting with a combination of horror, giggles, and occasionally something that almost feels like pity to Donald Trump’s selections for his new Cabinet. Kristi Noem will protect the Homeland from … puppies? Pete Hegseth will make sure the US military is ready to … cry and/or have a ‘roid rage incident if it sees a gay person? Cool appointees, bro, you’re nailing it.
Of course, we’re also thinking about Secretary of State Marco Rubio doing big international diplomacy, seeing everybody put away their phones real fast when he walks into meetings. What were they watching? Oh just videos of Trump calling him “Liddle Marco.”
(And now Tulsi Gabbard and Matt Gaetz? LOLOLOL cheeeee-RIST.)
Now we can laugh at two guys who didn’t get Cabinet positions and didn’t even get real jobs. Trump has announced that Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy will be the Super Special Secret Secretaries Of Doing Big Important Guy Government Efficiency Stuff And Also They Have To Leave No Later Than 18 Months From Now.
Hand to fucking God, that’s how we found the tweets, on top of each other in the “For You” tab of our Twitter.
Here, learn about the Department of Government Efficiency, AKA “DOGE” — yes really — which does not exist:
“Together, these two wonderful Americans will pave the way for my Administration to dismantle Government Bureaucracy, slash excess regulations, cut wasteful expenditures, and restructure Federal Agencies,” Trump said in a statement. […]
Trump’s statement Tuesday night quoted Musk as saying that “this will send shockwaves through the system, and anyone involved in Government waste, which is a lot of people!”
Riiiiight.
So, the Department of Government Efficiency is not a department, and Donald Trump cannot snap his tiny fingers and make it one. Elon and Vivek may think they have brilliant ideas about cutting the federal budget — Elon has been promising (OUT LOUD!) that his economic plans will cause a lot of pain to ordinary people, and profoundly stupid American voters voted for Trump anyway — but they actually will not be able to cut the federal budget.
As Lawrence O’Donnell explained last night, these two talking dildos at best will be able to give some suggestions to the Office of Management and Budget, and they almost certainly will be working nowhere near the West Wing. They’ll probably be across the street.
Also Trump’s statement says they have to leave by July 4, 2026.
This is the absolute funniest thing Trump could do to the two most try-hard, hanger-on walking “kick me” signs in all of MAGA world. This is what you do to the two most annoying drunk incels sitting at the end of the bar. You create a fake “job” for them, you tell them you’re sending them on a SECRET MISSION, and you shut and lock the door real fast behind you. (Read this hilarious NBC News piece today on how Elon is totally overstaying his welcome at Mar-a-Lago. The flawless victory is already starting to fall apart.)
To be fair, it’s possible Trump isn’t in on the joke and this was orchestrated by President Susie Wiles, to get all these losers out of her fucking face.
If you want to read more about Elon’s and Vivek’s new “job” like it’s a real thing, read the rest of the CNN article.
We have a more important order of business to attend to.
ORDER OF BUSINESS!
Elon’s new job may be fake, but the fact remains, he’s a government contractor, albeit one who lets America’s enemies phonefuck him without lube, which is why he should lose his government contracts immediately. We may never know the extent of what he actually did to influence the 2024 election, and who helped him. Now he is going to “work” in the Trump administration.
Meanwhile, Twitter/X, the social media network he bought and proceeded to run into the ground, becomes more of a functionally useless cesspit of Nazis, disinformation, trolls, bots, and MAGA trash every day. Elon used Twitter/X as a propaganda organ to help Trump get elected. Put it all together, and we can’t think of a better time to rip the Band-Aid off and stop using the motherfucker.
Gizmodo has a great article making the case for leaving Twitter/X and going to Bluesky (spoiler, that’s what we’re doing and gonna tell you to do), and gave a few more reasons for why now is the time:
In October X changed its terms of service and those new terms take effect on November 15. After the middle of the month, anything you post on the site will be gobbled up by Grok—X’s AI system—and used for training data. There’s no way to opt out of it. It may also allow third-party apps to use your posts for training data. Again, there’s no way to opt-out.
“You agree that this license includes the right for us to (i) analyze text and other information you provide and to otherwise provide, promote, and improve the Services, including, for example, for use with and training of our machine learning and artificial intelligence models, whether generative or another type; and (ii) to make Content submitted to or through the Services available to other companies, organizations or individuals, including, for example, for improving the Services and the syndication, broadcast, distribution, repost, promotion or publication of such Content on other media and services, subject to our terms and conditions for such Content use,” the updated terms of service read.
November 15 is also the day Texas takes over legal disputes around the social media site. “The laws of the State of Texas, excluding its choice of law provisions, will govern these Terms and any dispute that arises between you and us, notwithstanding any other agreement between you and us to the contrary,” the site says.
Which court, specifically, will hear out the X disputes? According to the Terms, it’ll be the U.S. District Court for the Northern District of Texas in Tarrant County. Home of Fort Worth, Tarrant County is pretty far away from Musk’s adopted Austin. It’s also overseen by Judge Reed O’Connor, who happens to own around $50,000 in Tesla stock.
Hard fucking no.
The exodus has been happening ever since Elon bought it, but it’s really happening now. Guardian announced it’s quitting today. Bluesky is the number one app in the app store right now. Chris Hayes talked about leaving and going to Bluesky on his show last night (he’s already been there a long time):
So What Do You Do Now?
If you’re already there, follow all of us!
If you’re not there yet, go back up to that Gizmodo article, because it’s got all your instructions for getting on Bluesky, and helps you figure out whether you want to fully delete your Twitter or just lock it down or what.
Then you fuckin’ FOLLOW US.
I, writing you right now, I am @evanhurst.
The site with the Wonkette stories, it is @wonkettemedia. (That’s the one we just started today finally.) Now, this is confusing, it is a mystery and a wonder, but if you follow @wonkette, that is Rebecca, because of how she owns Wonkette. The best way to not be confused is to follow all of these.
Dok is @doktorzoom.
Robyn is @robynelyse.
Marcie is @marciej.
If we don’t all have one million followers by tonight, well, you’re not gonna like what happens then.
OK go forth and do the things, you are dismissed.
Evan has a side project called The Moral High Ground, you should check it out and subscribe there too!
Follow Evan on BlueSky! And Facebook!
Here, a LinkTree with other links!
Hooper is @samuraigrog.
Hey gang, I've done a starter pack for those of you looking for the Wonkette gang over on BlueSky. Will add more as I find them:
https://go.bsky.app/Hko5bPW