It's WHATABOUT Hunter Biden Time!

Will a federal jury in Delaware find a BIDEN CRIME?

Somebody’s got to write about the bullshit surrounding party animal Hunter Biden’s trial playing out in Delaware right now, and you know us, never afraid to put on our hip-waders and trudge through the slurry!

It’s been seven years of Republicans desperately trying to find some crime to prove that the Biden family is a corrupt cartel of criminals, unlike the honest, hardworking Trump and his children, who would never use their family name to gain an unfair benefit. 

Hey, remember when Trump got impeached the FIRST time because he extorted Ukraine with no money to defend Democracy against Communist Russia for them unless they came up with some Hunter Biden FAKE NEWS quid pro quo, Clarice? Even fired the US ambassador when she wouldn’t go along with it? Refresh with a Wonkette rundown from 2019, because by now that story is trash juice at the bottom of all of our overflowing memory dumpsters of that felon rapist fraud fake-news election rigger’s corrupt deeds, but TL;DR: soliciting a bribe, extortion, siding with Russia over the US’s interests, etc.!

Remember how the GOP tried to IMPEACH JOE BIDEN about Hunter something something, and FBI informant/Russian asset Alexander Smirnov got arrested for feeding lies to the FBI about Hunter and Burisma instead?

Yep, all of that corrupt criming by all the Russian puppets in Trumpistan trying to find a new HILLARY’S EMAILS, and STILL they could not come up with any more dirt on the Bidens than what Hunter himself openly divulged in a 2017 New Yorker profile: He was a business consultant who’d had an ongoing drug problem and had a dumpster-fire personal life. No bribes to Ukraine, China, or Narnia, nobody coerced into sex with promises of a job, no licking doughnuts and putting them back in the box.

For all the self-destruction of Joe Biden’s only living son, he had some tax problems, and he allegedly lied on ATF form 4473, the Firearm Transaction Record, when he put an X for “no” when buying a gun in October 2018: “Are you an unlawful user of, or addicted to, marijuana or any depressant, stimulant, narcotic drug, or any other controlled substance?” While MEANWHILE he said in a book that he had an ongoing addiction problem! The conservatives who think guns should be given out as favors at children’s birthday parties are outraged.

Didn’t a Trump legal scholar say “nobody should go to jail over paperwork”? Also, has anybody drug tested Don Junior lately? And is it true that when felon Trump checks in with pre-sentencing in New York, he’ll have to pee into a cup with somebody watching? Just asking!

We digress, back to the WEAPONIZED JUSTICE SYSTEM. How much bullshit is this prosecution? In 2018 when Hunter bought his gun, out of 27 million background checks undertaken for gun purchases, federal prosecutors filed just 298 charges against people for lying on the form, and mostly for straw purchases or lying about being a felon. Hunter owned the gun for 11 days and committed no crimes with it.

Yr Wonkette has yet to see a single example of a person anywhere in the country being prosecuted for that line on the form alone, other than Hunter Biden. In Delaware in 2019 only three ATF Form 4473 cases at all were referred for prosecution in the state and the US attorney did not bring charges for any of them. 

And it gets fuckier. Back in July of 2023, Hunter was all set to plead guilty, then special prosecutor David Weiss, hand-picked by Trump’s (fifth? sixth?) Attorney General Bill Barr pulled a sudden switcheroo on the court and said no, taking the plea deal would not end investigations into Hunter after all. Trump-appointed Judge Maryellen Noreika kiboshed the deal, and here we are in federal court, with Hunter facing a max of 25 years in prison, a $750,000 fine, and a trial that’s supposed to take two weeks, very fine use of resources. 

How’s court going so far? It would seem prosecutors have a problem given how prosecutions based on that line are nonexistent, and it’s never been established what unlawful user really means there. Hunter was never arrested on drug charges, and the question is not “have you ever used a drug?” If you sincerely intend for every hit of the crack pipe you take to be the last, and earnestly believe “I am not an addict, just a wild and crazy kind of guy on the weekend!” at the moment you check the box, possibly because your brain is still addled with crack, is that intentional lying?

Also probably not great for the prosecution, four out of 12 jurors said that they had family members with addiction problems. Are they going to want to put a guy in prison half a decade after he’s already turned his life around? Even the most fervent prosecute-all-the-gun-crimers Quaker would have a tough time throwing someone in the clink for that.

Also not a good signs for the prosecution, a juror started weeping during opening arguments hearing about Beau’s concerned widow Hallie Biden taking the .38 in question and disposing of it in a grocery-store parking lot, or how his sister Ashley started choking up and clung to stepmom Jill hearing recordings from Hunter’s audiobook about his descent into addiction after the death of his brother Beau.

And the right-wing talking rubberfaces don’t seem so confident this is a slam dunk. Fox’s Jesse Watters is warning that Hunter is going to get off, so guess Trumpistan already knows it’s a nonstarter. Guess why, just guess! Not because this is a bullshit paperwork case targeting a guy who’s doing his best to put his life back together. No, the jury will nullify because they’re Black. Yes, he said that: 

“Hunter’s legal team might have an ace up their sleeve: It’s called jury nullification. It’s when you pick a jury that will give you a not guilty verdict. They know you’re guilty, but they just disagree with the law. The strategy plays on the racial makeup of the jury, which is mostly Black, as well as the Bidens’ influence in Delaware. The hope is that this jury won’t convict for a drug-related crime.”

You know those Black people, they just looove drugs and hate the law! 

We hear Jesse Watters’s mother is a Democrat, and if she’s a decent person who ended up with him as a son, we feel terrible for her.

But more terrible for Hunter, he’s been through insane levels of grief, addiction, and targeted harassment, his dick pics displayed by Marjorie Taylor Greene. But he has pulled himself up by his bootstraps, stood up for himself, hasn’t held up any bodegas, or hurt anyone but himself and his family. 

The trial is supposed to go on for about two more weeks, and Trumpistan is praying people will pay attention to it and think bad things about Joe Biden for loving his son, and not whatever corruption the presumptive GOP nominee and felon is up to on any given day. Fox News needs something to report on besides changes to the Taco Bell menu.