JD Vance Never F*cked A Couch; Here Are Some Jokes About JD Vance F*cking A Couch Anyway
He's heterosectional.
Dear readers, we regret to inform you that the rumors of JD Vance having once fucked a couch — or more accurately, having once fucked “an inside-out latex glove shoved between two couch cushions” — are not true. It’s simply not the case that he described the strange sex act in his memoir Hillbilly Elegy, even though that claim has been all over social media, and even though the world would be an objectively better place if that were true.
So please do not spread the false rumor that JD Vance, the Republican nominee for vice president of the United States, once fucked his couch.
As factchecking site Snopes explains, the hoax got rolling a week ago, on the same day Donald Trump chose Vance as his running mate. A Twitter user posted (archive link) the false claim, saying,
can't say for sure but he might be the first vp pick to have admitted in a ny times bestseller to fucking an inside-out latex glove shoved between two couch cushions (vance, 𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘨𝘺, pp. 179-181)
The page numbers seem to have added some kind of credibility to the false claim that JD Vance fucked a couch, even though that part of Vance’s memoir in fact describes his arrival at Ohio State in 2007, sans any mention of fucking a couch, settee, divan, davenport, love seat, or indeed any other furniture.
Now, I have to be clear here: I did not in fact check that myself since I don’t have a copy of the thing, but the pages are indeed screenshat in an image posted to Twitter. Fortunately, the person who posted the image explains why there’s no couch-fucking on those pages:
THE LATEST PRINTING RUN OF HILLBILLY ELEGY CUT THE COUCH FUCKING SCENE BECAUSE JD VANCE IS A GOD DAMNED COWARD
Sounds plausible to us!
Not surprisingly, the rumor went viral, because who wouldn’t want to believe that JD Vance, a weird smarmy Christian Nationalist creep who’s obsessed with policing what other people do with their naughty bits, had a secret history of couch-frottage? So while it is not the case that JD Vance admitted that he’s fucked couch cushions, that’s now going to follow him around like the rumor that Ted Cruz was actually the Zodiac killer. (Cruz has never admitted that, either. What’s he hiding?)
And thus a meme is born. Easily-shocked puritans have their fainting couches, and JD Vance has his humping couch. (He didn’t write about humping a couch.)
In conclusion, let’s all keep things in perspective: Kinks are fine, masturbation is normal, sex is fun and can be very silly, and maybe if JD Vance actually humped a few couches, he’d be less of a censorious tightass. Also, we bet Project 2025 has a whole chapter on furniture-fucking and why it must be abolished.
[Snopes]
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Yeah, it was me. Updated, no idea how my byline vanished.
Sure, blah blah, blah… but you fuck *one* couch…