Given Donald Trump’s constant insistence that everyone in the whole country (except a few folks in the media) loves him, it probably says a lot that he’s so worried that he’s going to lose the midterm elections for the Republicans that he went ahead and threw a half-ass, Hatch Act-violating, “midterm convention” this week. It says even more that, at this convention, he announced his plan to bribe Americans with $5000 checks for every adult — but only if the GOP retains the House and the Senate. Especially considering that Republicans have spent the better half of the last few years insisting that the stimulus checks sent out by the Biden administration (not the ones sent out by the Trump administration, of course) are largely the source of the inflation we’re all experiencing.
Not to mention the fact that Republicans have also spent decades railing against Democrats “bribing” people with social safety net programs and other things that will materially improve people’s lives. It’s an awkward situation! Because that’s supposed to be bad, but everything Trump does is supposed to be good, so it’s kind of breaking their little minds to try and rationalize it.
But Jesse Watters has an idea.
“That is not a bribe. We’re calling it an enticement. We don’t know if the check will ever get there,” Watters said Thursday on Fox News’s The Five. “What happens if the Republicans take the House and they balk and don’t write the checks? It’s not Trump’s fault. He just blames Congress.”
He is actually speaking facts there, as Trump has on several occasions promised huge checks to the American people that he has had no intent of cashing (or sending to begin with). We were supposed to get $2000 “tariff dividend” checks, but all we got was more expensive … everything. We were supposed to get $5000 each after DOGE gutted the entire federal government, but all we got was a broken government and food that gives us “explosive diarrhea.” People who lost their Obamacare subsidies were supposed to get “rebate checks” for $500 and all they got were plans that cost $500 more a month. This is what Trump does best. He promises things so people will go along with all of the terrible things he wants to do that will make life more expensive and less pleasant for them and then never actually goes through with it.
What Jesse Watters does best, however, is make everything weird.
“It’s like a woman. Sometimes a woman can entice you,” he explained. “Maybe she lowers her brassiere. Doesn’t mean you’re going home with her! But it keeps you interested. It keeps you intrigued and wanting more. That’s what this is about.”
Is he saying Donald Trump is … a tease?
First of all. No woman is going to “lower her brassiere” to entice you. That is not a sexy-looking move and also does not make sense as it would give her less cleavage, not more. If anything, if she’s trying to show off the cleavage, she’s gonna go to the bathroom, do a bit of the old swoop and scoop, hoist ‘em up a bit higher and pull the top down a little. In fact, I just did a brief experiment and concluded that if I try to pull it down, nothing happens, because of how straps exist, and I just look itchy — which is probably what Jesse Watters has interpreted as a woman trying to seduce him. He’s making her skin crawl and he imagines she’s trying to entice him. She doesn’t go home with him and he imagines she was just interested in the enticing of it all.
I mean, we are talking about a guy who had to let the air out of a woman’s tires to get her to talk to him.
Second, who the fuck still calls it a brassiere? Literally the last person I heard use the term, outside of the context of me singing “Otto Titsling” at karaoke a few weeks ago, was my Nonnie and she was 99 years old at the time. Is it like how my dad calls every kind of makeup “rouge”? I’m sorry, but it’s bizarre. Does he think we’re still all out here wearing bullet bras? And wearing belted menstrual pads? What is it that he thinks happens underneath a woman’s clothes? Bustles? Hoop skirts?
I suppose it’s better for all of us that he appears very confused about that. Especially his wife, who is surely busy banging someone who uses normal, 2026 terms for undergarments.
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Politicians should, of course, offer people things in exchange for their votes. Things like health care and day care and a social safety net. Bernie Sanders and Ro Khanna want to tax billionaires to fund social programs and $3000 checks for everyone, and they’re not even just doing that to show off their rack and seduce you and then not take you home. They just want you to have a nice life.
Donald Trump, however, just wants Donald Trump to have a nice life, and that includes being able to do the important presidential work of invading other countries and naming shit after himself, like a king.
On the bright side, however, at least we don’t have to look at his boobs.
PREVIOUSLY ON WONKETTE!
I read Robyn's headline and everything everywhere all at once lost all meaning.
OT: 𝘋𝘈𝘠-𝘺𝘶𝘮, Jeff.
𝗣𝗿𝗲𝘇𝗻𝗶𝘁 𝗙𝘂𝗰𝗸𝘄𝗶𝘁 𝘀𝗵𝗶𝘁𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝘁 𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗘𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗦𝘂𝗽𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗖𝗼𝗻𝘃𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻
𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘣𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘰𝘮𝘢𝘯 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘵𝘰𝘰.
https://substack.com/home/post/p-215186433