Kash Patel For FBI: Trump's Most Dangerously Clownstupid Nomination Yet?
Oh look, it’s another unqualified buttlicker!
Oh boy, add another raccoon to Poppy Treason’s garbage can of trash-eaters here to break the government! It is Kashyap “K$H” Patel again, who That Man wants as head of the FBI, because he checks all two boxes: loyal and inept. Also Roseanne Barr was not available. The self-bestowed nickname with a dollar sign in it is a bonus.
Can Patel get confirmed? Are there at least four Republicans who aren’t squirrelshit nuts? We will find out! There’s also the issue that Christopher Wray (appointed by That Man himself in 2017) is the current FBI director until 2027. But reckon he’ll be getting fired for hiding Hunter Biden’s peen under a bushel, being too mean to white supremacist domestic terrorists, and not somehow smothering the documents or election interference investigations in their cribs. If he doesn’t coward-quit first, that is.
So now guess we gotta refresh ourselves on Patel’s many adventures. Hey look, our Liz already has a recap of his earlier hijinks, thanks 2020 Liz!
How many orders of not competent is this guy? Well, as a federal counterterrorism prosecutor in 2016, Patel was issued a rare Order on Ineptitude — yes, it’s really called that! — by a federal judge in Houston after botching the task of ordering a transcript, and using the credentials of another lawyer. (This appears to be the origin story — or the Justice Department’s handling of it — for why Patel has failed upwards to new heights to become the whiny ass grievance machine he is today.)
Somehow Patel became a protégé of Devin Nunes. Remember him? Mighty fond of Russia, sued a fake cow for being mean to him?
JD Vance may have compared That Man to Hitler, but that is unfair, really he is more like Stalin, recruiting the most incompetent dipshits, then keeping them in line under threat of PURGE. John Bolton agrees, telling NBC’s “Meet the Press” that “Trump has nominated Kash Patel to be his Lavrenty Beria. Fortunately, the FBI is not the NKVD.” Well, not yet, anyway. Comparing Patel to a Soviet rapist and murderer might seem a bit much, though we must note that there is an uncanny physical resemblance.
Won’t the next four years (or however long) be ever so full of adventures?
Back in 2018, Patel authored the Nunes Memo that proved Barack Obama weaponized the FBI to murder Ginger Donya’s campaign. LOL, JK, it showed that the FBI's Trump-Russia investigation actually didn't start because of the DODGY STEELE DOSSIER, as wingnuts still have themselves convinced it did, but rather that Trump campaign worker idiot George Papadopoulos drunk-rubbed himself all over an Australian diplomat and eagerly bragged to him about the conspiracies Russia was doing for Trump, which led to a little ringy-dingy to the FBI by our ally, etc.
But never mind, Poppy has always been pleased with K$H’s extreme asskissery efforts, and somehow he got promoted to a position staffing the National Security Council. He became the unofficial “Ukraine director” — unofficial by which we mean not at all, but for some fucking reason Donald Trump managed to become convinced he was the Ukraine director — bypassing the actual Ukraine expert on Fiona Hill’s staff to allegedly make a back channel to give Poppy Ukraine documents to prove the REAL election interference in 2016 was done by Ukraine, and not Russia. (It was not.)
As our Liz put it:
What our Kash lacked in actual knowledge, though, he made up for in the only currency that really matters in the current White House — the ability to tell Donald Trump what he wants to hear. And what Donald Trump wanted to hear was that, if he leaned on Ukraine hard enough, they would give up the goods on Joe Biden and damage the Democratic frontrunner for 2020. Call logs show that Patel was in contact with Rudy Giuliani in May, when he was traveling back and forth to Ukraine trying to gin up the Biden smear. And both Fiona Hill and Alexander Vindman testified that people in the West Wing were under the impression that Patel was the resident Ukraine expert. Which is allegedly how he got promoted again to a counterterrorism desk where he could do less harm. Ain't DC great!
Or as Patel himself put it in his book Government Gangsters:
I regularly used to tell people that the fastest way to move up in the government is to just screw up, and the bigger the screwup, the bigger the promotion. Every person implicated in your mistakes has an interest in covering up what they did, so they will promote you. That means the people at the very top are usually the most immoral, unethical people in the entire agency.
Worked like a charm! And like his mentor-daddies Devin Nunes and Big T, Patel is muy litigious. He’s sued Politico reporter Natasha Bertrand, the New York Times and reporter Adam Goldman, CNN and five of their reporters, and the anti-disinformation activist Jim Stewartson, for saying things he didn’t like. He has yet to win any of those lawsuits, but that ain’t the point.
In November 2020, That Man named Patel chief of staff to (acting) Secretary of Defense Christopher Miller, after Secretary of Defense Mark Esper got You’re fired! for refusing to make the military shoot George Floyd protestors in the kneecaps. Treasonballs wanted to make Patel deputy FBI director then, but Attorney General William Barr told him “over my dead body.”
Naturally Patel’s got some side income, shilling a $90 COVID vaccine detox supplement on Trump’s Truth Social.
Maybe he and Dr. Oz can combine their supplements into a super-supplement that gives you laser vision!
K$H also wrote a children’s book called The Plot Against The King, which is “a fantastical retelling of Hillary's horrible plot against Trump,” imagining that gross felon con man as a literal king.
“Full of fake heralds and keeper Komey’s spying slugs, this is a story of daring and danger. But never fear! Kash the Distinguished Discoverer will win the day.” Oh and it’s got three volumes, for when the kids beg to stay up late and hear more about a grand wizard kissing a certain velvet-skirted heineyhole.
Riveting. Eye roll emoji, barf emoji. 🙄🤮
Other Patel greatest hits: claiming to Breitbart News that The Big Man could declassify documents with his mind, being a member of the board of directors for the Trump Media & Technology Group, and collecting donations online to help “peaceful” January 6 defendants “stand up against the Deep State,” though it’s unclear if anybody but K$H ever actually got that money.
Should he be confirmed as FBI director, Patel’s got a plan to “shut down the FBI Hoover Building on day one and reopen it the next day as a museum of the deep state.” Oh, and he wants to change the law to make it easier to sue journalists, ranting on Steve Bannon’s show, “We will go out and find the conspirators not just in government, but in the media.”
So that’s just great.
[New York Times archive link / ABC News]
Assuming Congress completely caves and this guy gets through, I suspect the career FBI employees are not going to sit idly by while some idiot attempts to gut their agency. Don't piss off guys that know where the bodies are buried and have nothing left to lose in exposing them. Gonna be a bloody mess.
OT
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