What on Earth is going on at the FBI? Aside from deciding that bestiality is not a deal breaker when hiring new recruits, of course. That aside, there seems to be all sorts of chaos in recent days that is going public in embarrassing fashion. It probably doesn’t help that the Bureau is being led by man-child Kash Patel, who took the job of FBI director for Internet clout and found to his chagrin that it involves work.
Chaos is what happens when you turn the nation’s premier law enforcement agency over to a d-list podcaster with garish taste and a sweatiness to be liked so heavy that he’s practically sopping wet in every public appearance. Computer hacks, resignations, demotions, Stephen and Katie Miller being dicks ... it’s a lot to put on Patel’s plate. He can’t drown in all of it soon enough.
Let’s review recent events by starting with the hacks. And we don’t mean the political press. BA-DA-BUM.
No, we mean the recent hack of the FBI by ShinyHunters, a hacker collective known for breaching various computer systems, stealing data, and then releasing it if the company/university/entity they stole it from does not pay a ransom. We applaud ShinyHunters for their cool name and for having enough of a sense of irony to perpetrate a criminal act against the Trump administration. It’s like if the Irish mob shook down Satriale’s for protection money.
What did ShinyHunters get in its data haul? Nothing much, just the personnel files for some 5,000 FBI employees. The files include home addresses, information about spouses, and medical data such as blood and urine test results, presumably including any venereal diseases FBI agents pick up in barnyard orgies.
Needless to say, FBI agents are worried about what hackers could do with their personnel files. Exposure of undercover agents or intelligence operations against foreign countries, maybe. Violence against agents at their homes by people they once arrested. Hacker groups have been known to harass agents who are investigating them, including swatting their homes.
It sounds like the inciting incident for a bad NBC police procedural that runs for 13 episodes and stars Dermot Mulroney.
Speaking of NBC, one of its reporters who covers the digital threats beat posted this on Bluesky on Monday. The hackers seem to be claiming they hacked the FBI to prove some sort of point, and they are satisfied they have proved it. Personally, we’re with Collier in thinking ShinyHunters suddenly realized that maybe they don’t want thousands of pissed-off FBI agents gunning for them:
The FBI says the hackers got into its systems by exploiting vulnerabilities in FBIJobs.gov, the online portal where people can apply to work for the Bureau. Maybe this would have happened under a Democratic administration too. But it happened under Kash Patel, so we can add it to the Everest-sized pile of galactic fuckups that have occurred while he was busy flying around the country in FBI jets to see his girlfriend and throwing juvenile hissy fits in congressional hearings.
Bad timing, too, because as of Monday, Patel is down one Deputy Director. Andrew Bailey, the former Missouri attorney general, announced he is stepping down after only a year on the job. Ostensibly, the reason is that he wants to return to his family in Missouri. But CBS says nuh-uh, he’s leaving because Kash Patel is a dick:
The sources added that Patel consistently kept Bailey at arm’s length and cut him out of meetings the deputy FBI director should attend because Bailey was constantly flagging things that were unconstitutional.
HA HA HA, the deputy FBI director was being frozen out by his boss for daring to suggest the nation’s biggest law enforcement agency should follow the law? Ironic, considering the FBI’s history of ignoring the Constitution. J. Edgar Hoover would have fired Bailey after a week.
Bailey leaving is interesting because as Missouri AG, he was clearly thirsty to raise his profile with MAGA and Donald Trump. So he engaged in all manner of stupid cruelty, from trying to keep innocent people in prison to singlehandedly banning gender-affirming care for transgender citizens of Missouri. He was probably wondering what else he had to do to get offered a position in the Trump administration — indict James Comey for something, have the name TRUMP stamped on the Arch in St. Louis, anything.
Bailey got his wish a year ago, when he was named co-deputy director of the FBI alongside Dan Bongino, who was shocked that his job in Washington involved working full days and had been all but begging for someone to fire him so he could return to his perilous old job of podcasting for three hours a day. Bongino was supposedly not getting along with Patel, and Bailey was supposed to be a sort of babysitter for the two. That lasted only a couple of months before Bingo Bongo quit, leaving Bailey as the sole deputy director.
So now Patel needs a new second-in-command. We recommend that interested candidates not apply by using FBIJobs.gov. That site is very insecure, or so we’ve heard.
We cannot say if Bailey’s departure had anything to do with this incident that broke on Friday, but would it surprise anyone?
MAGA darling Katie Miller wasn’t happy with the FBI agents investigating threats against her. Now they’re being demoted.
Michael Burgwald, the FBI’s Washington field office counterterrorism chief, and his deputy, Courtland Rae, were demoted and reassigned to positions at FBI headquarters on Friday.
The threats, such as they were, consisted of harassing and threatening phone calls, whatever that means. Katie and her husband Boney McBoneface are such drama queens that we can imagine someone calling and saying Sorry, I have the wrong number would send them into spittle-flecked panic about antifa terror squads stalking them.
Burgwald and Rae were apparently assigned to investigate the calls. The two men are veteran counterterrorism agents who have worked on all manner of important investigations such as the January 6 attack by the Millers’ fellow travelers and the Boston Marathon bombing.
Next to all that, someone calling Katie Miller and asking her if she has Prince Albert in a can must have been insulting. Burgwald and Rae reportedly “pushed back” on the assignment, which is bureaucratic politesse that one can translate as We work on terrorism from the Middle East where America is at war right now and you want us to waste our time because someone has been calling Katie Miller and breathing heavily into the phone? Are you fucking kidding us? Call the DC police and get out of our office.
Reportedly, Patel was unhappy with the speed — or lack thereof — with which the two men were investigating. Which probably means Stephen Miller was calling and yelling at him every ten minutes.
For what it’s worth, the FBI claims Patel had nothing to do with the decision to demote the two agents. If true, it would mark the first time he hasn’t fired seasoned agents whose only crime is that they are not MAGA-pilled.
Personally, we think the Millers should view the threatening phone calls as a small price to pay for them getting to go full Nazi on the immigrants whose existence they so clearly despise. Stephen is getting to carry out his lifelong dream of deporting thousands upon thousands of people, breaking up their families and throwing them into squalid camps, where many have been denied medical care and suffered and died unnecessarily. Some kids never get to achieve their dreams!
Granted, those dreams are usually more along the lines of playing second base for the Yankees, but Stephen and Katie Miller are broken and immoral douche nozzles. Hell, if a few threatening phone calls is the worst consequence the Millers ever endure for their brazen bigotry and pissing on the constitutional rights of citizens and noncitizens alike, they should count themselves extremely lucky.
Oh, and Kash Patel still hasn’t found Nancy Guthrie. The end.
[BBC / CBS / The Daily Beast]
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When Kash reads this article, he’ll have to cope by majorly pounding some Wild Turkey….or he might just have a drink.
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