Bro. Bro. Brobrobrobrobro. Brooooooooooooo! We’re killing a dude live on camera, bro!
Yeah, on purpose! It won’t be like the time I accidentally almost killed a member of the West Point marching band by chucking an ax in his direction. But how sick would it have been if I had killed him with that ax on camera? That’s some John Wick shit. Reacher would kill a dude by chucking an ax at him and then making some quip to Neagley like, “Hey, I tried to ax him a question first.”
Ha ha ha, Reacher, man. That show is so badass. I keep offering to do a cameo where I recruit Reacher back to the military because we’ve all realized what a mistake we made in discharging such a badass warfighter just for disobeying orders and shooting a whole bunch of people. No luck yet, but the president said he’d put a call in to Bezos, so I’m feeling good about it.
That band dude was such a pussy about the whole thing. You know he sued me later, for almost killing him through my own negligence? Even though the ax only, like, grazed him. I wonder where he is now. Biden probably made him a general I need to fire for wokeness. Whatever happened to training soldiers at West Point to be war fighters?
I mean, killing a soldier through my own negligence? Does that sound like the Pete Hegseth you know?
Where was I? Oh yeah, I get to kill a guy live on TV! Well, I don’t, a firing squad does. Unless I make them put me on the firing squad. Whoa! There’s an idea! I keep telling the generals I want to be the one to fire missiles at unarmed fishermen instead of just giving the order to do it, and they’re all, Mr. Secretary, the Caribbean is an active war zone unfit for VIPs such as yourself, or Mr. Secretary, wouldn’t you prefer to keep several layers of accountability between you and these war crimes you constantly order us to commit?
To which I say, hell no, brah! I’m tired of giving the order to fire missiles at unarmed fishermen and not getting to push the button myself. This time, I want to pull the trigger. And I want the attention. Which is why we must livestream the first public execution in the United States since 1936 and the first military execution since 1961. HOO-RAH!
Oh, just livestreaming for now. I haven’t pitched broadcast. Got someone researching possible ad rates before we go to the networks. If I had to guess, I’d say take the cost of airing your average Super Bowl ad and triple it.
President Trump will like that. Satiate our blood lust by shooting a man on television and make money doing it? That’s Trump catnip, bro.
Look at me announcing this execution on the deck of an aircraft carrier, how badass is it that I got to do this?
That’s the Abraham Lincoln, bro. I was out there this week welcoming the sailors home after I made them spend 10.5 months at sea running themselves ragged in a futile war that I told the president we’d finish in like a week. I figured the least I could do was announce this execution in front of them. It’s important that our men and women in uniform know America has their backs, and if that means shooting a helpless cripple and broadcasting it to the world like it’s an ISIS snuff film, then that’s what it means.
Yeah, bro, Nidal Hasan. Remember him? Shot and killed 13 warfighters at Fort Hood back in 2009. None of them were armed, because Barack Hussein Obama was president and he didn’t respect the warfighter mentality. Also because it was longstanding military policy that soldiers don’t get to walk around bases always armed in case they are summoned to invade Iran immediately or have to defend the base against a surprise attack by antifa sappers.
But that’s the past, when we were the Woke Department. Now we’re the War Department. HOO-RAH!
It’s funny, if Hasan had shot and killed 13 unarmed and defenseless Iraqi little girls walking down by the river, I’d have spent however long it took lobbying President Trump to pardon him because we want that sort of warfighter mentality in the United States military. And those Iraqis probably deserved it anyway, what with being Allah-worshipping heathens and all.
But shoot a bunch of unarmed American soldiers, and I will pursue your execution with the same single-minded devotion with which I pursue gallon jugs of fortified wine to keep next to my desk. And my bed. And the recliner in the living room that only I’m allowed to sit in. And the weight bench in my garage, where I use the full gallon jugs as weights. Check out my guns, bro. That’s not gym muscle, that’s “lifting gallon jugs of fortified wine to my mouth and holding them there while I guzzle all the contents” muscle.
Only problem is that I can only do one rep before the jugs are too empty to be useful in building muscle. Which is why I go through a fuckton of jugs. It’s not because of a drinking problem, shut up, bro.
The only question is whether we leave Hasan in his wheelchair when we shoot him or lift him out and put him in another chair or stand him upright and tie him to a pole. Can you imagine how crazy the fake news will go at the sight of American soldiers shooting an Arabic man in a wheelchair?
But people have to know there are consequences for what Hasan did, besides being paralyzed from the waist down and having to spend the last few decades of your life in prison. People have to know there are consequences for committing crimes in Donald Trump’s America! Unless you are someone Donald Trump likes. Then it’s throw him a taste and enter Pardon City, bro.
I know liberal cowards think I’m just doing murder porn here, and yeah, they’re right! I haven’t been releasing all those boat bombing videos and bragging about our warfighters’ kinetic lethality or whatever because I feel the solemn weight of taking human lives enough to not turn it into a spectacle right out of a dystopian airport thriller! I’m doing it because watching this shit is better than Viagra. No more whiskey dick for Whiskey Pete, I tell you what.
Whoa, bro! What if instead of shooting Hasan, the firing squad all throws axes at him instead? We do that, and Fox will make it a primetime special. I better get to the nearest axe-throwing bar and start practicing!
[AP]
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Laura Bassett
@lebassett.bsky.social
“If you don’t like public executions just don’t watch it” says the crowd trying to ban drag shows and books
9:59 PM · Oct 8, 2026
Fuck this entire administration and anyone who supports them.