LIVE: Where Were You When Joe Biden Tried To Give You The Butterscotches? The Robert Hur Hearing!
This is very serious business.
Special Counsel Robert Hur is the melodramatic so-and-so who was tasked with investigating Joe Biden’s classified documents, and what he uncovered was damning evidence that Joe Biden is old. Hur is a Republican partisan hack, and reading his ridiculous 388-page report, you can tell how badly he wanted to find evidence he could use against Biden. Of course, he couldn’t charge him anyway, because of longstanding Justice Department policy, but that’s not so important when you can just confirm Republican campaign messaging against Biden in a campaign year, and really, wasn’t that Hur’s real job?
THIS ONE!
Today, Hur testifies for Jim Jordan’s House Judiciary Committee, for obvious Jim Jordan reasons. He will likely attempt to show us he’s a serious person. We will treat him like absolute shit in this liveblog.
By the way, if you review the actual transcript of Biden’s interviews with Hur, it turns out the Republicans’ golden boy might have left out some important context. But we have all day to talk about that!
10:02: While we wait, you should know that Hur is testifying as a private citizen, because he quit the Justice Department this week. That helps him because it means he’s not bound by any sorts of ethical rules. That’s better for Republicans.
10:07: Jim Jordan is already doing that thing where he screams hysterically and babbles about nothing. For any kids reading, this is a good time to remind you that you don’t have to listen to junior varsity wrestling coaches unless you happen to be on the JV wrestling team.
Life lessons!
10:10: Jordan is playing clips of Biden responding to Hur’s hack report, so that the sniveling hack Hur may respond to him publicly. You know, because in Jordan’s world, what matters is who gets the last word.
10:15: The Biden press conference about the report included him talking about the differences between what Trump did and what Biden did, why Trump is a criminal and Biden isn’t.
Hur talked about that in his report too!
Hur’s words:
Unlike the evidence involving Mr. Biden, the allegations set forth in the indictment of Mr. Trump, if proven, would present serious aggravating facts.
Most notably, after being given multiple chances to return classified documents and avoid prosecution, Mr. Trump allegedly did the opposite. According to the indictment, he not only refused to return the documents for many months, but he also obstructed justice by enlisting others to destroy evidence and then to lie about it. In contrast, Mr. Biden turned in classified documents to the National Archives and the Department of Justice, consented to the search of multiple locations including his homes, sat for a voluntary interview. and in other ways cooperated with the investigation.
Huh.
Well anyway, now Jerry Nadler gets to talk!
10:22: Jerry Nadler has his own tape, of Donald Trump having dementia, and even identifying the woman he raped as his ex-wife Marla.
10:24: Oh great, unnaturally square-headed Kentucky fried pigfuck James Comer has been invited to testify from the Oversight Committee. Banjo banjo banjo banjo banjo banjo STRUMMMMMMMM.
10:27: Which means we also get Jamie Raskin from the Oversight Committee! He’s reading directly from Hur’s report, which says from the beginning that Joe Biden shouldn’t be charged with anything, under any circumstances.
10:31: Raskin goes through all the many reasons Trump’s actions were criminal and Biden’s weren’t, and says he’s not sure why the Republicans think this hearing will be helpful for them.
Anyway, time for Hur’s opening statement. This is the part where he will try to pretend like he is not a partisan hack.
10:35: Here, via Aaron Rupar, is Nadler’s supercut of Donald Trump’s brain decomposing in real time.
By the way, Robert Hur’s delivery, just under the surface, is incredibly defensive and bitchy. Democrats who are lawyers are taking note.
10:40: GOP Rep. Kelly Armstrong is trying very hard to make it sound weird where classified docs were found in Joe Biden’s possession, which is funny because they were found surrounding the shitter at Mar-a-Lago, where people take great big Trumpian poops.
Also Donald trump lied to authorities, concealed evidence, obstructed the investigation, deleted evidence, concealed classified docs he stole, is a traitor to the United States, etc.
10:45: Haha, this pissy son of a bitch Armstrong tried and tried to get Hur to confirm his Republican version of Joe Biden’s crime spree, but Hur wouldn’t do it, so he interrupted Hur to say “I YIELD BACK!”
Congratulations, America, you get to watch MAGA Republicans play with their dicks awkwardly for four hours. Again.
10:47: Nadler is walking Hur through how a very big difference between Trump sand Biden is that Biden’s lawyer CALLED THE FBI TO COME LOOK FOR CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS. Which goes to (lack of) intent! And how Trump told people to lie for him. And move the evidence. And deleted security footage. Etc.
10:51: Haha now Republican Tom McClintock will be mad at Hur for refusing to throw the book at Biden.
10:51: McClintock claims Hur has established a DOCTRINE that now if you take classified docs home, you can just say you are old and forgetful and you will get off scot free. We regret that we didn’t imagine all the ways Republicans would use this to staple their dicks to the wall.
10:58: Important points from Zoe Lofgren. Biden, like Ronald Reagan, felt that his personal notebooks were his property, but not any other kind of document that was found when he ordered the searches and turned stuff over. Donald Trump is a demented troll who still thinks the documents he stole — diaries? LOLOLOLOL with his Sharpie? — are “MY DOCUMENTS.”
11:01: Haha, it’s not going well so Jim Jordan feels the need to start doing some more of his own screaming, like a typical white man in a short-sleeved dress shirt from Marshall’s who has no other power in life than to keep you after class and maybe make you run laps.
Questioning has been going for less than an hour and Republicans are already badgering their own witness.
11:08: Raskin just gets Hur to reaffirm that he still agrees with all the things he wrote, including the parts about why Trump’s crimes are crimes, and Biden did not do crimes. Then he moves over to talking about what fucking clowns Republicans are while Trump tries to usher in fascism, with their help.
11:12: James Comer is trying so hard to connect this to his idiot Kentucky fried pigfuck investigation into Joe Biden’s illegal China Ukraine Hunter Biden Penis Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle STRUUUUUUMMMMM!
In case you wanted to see Comer try to fuck a chicken that’s not currently even in the room. That’s what’s going on.
11:23: Republicans don’t have anybody left to pretend to be a serious person, so they’re just getting Matt Gaetz to yell at Hur, and accuse him of creating a “senile cooperator theory,” which absolves Biden. Hur is having to correct Gaetz’s characterizations of his investigation.
11:26: Apparently in Matt Gaetzs’s hallucinations, the Chinese government owns the Penn Biden Center? Also he’s attacking Hur more. Cool.
Here’s a good link at JustSecurity with some of the real nitty gritty of what’s in Hur’s report, stuff Republicans are lying about today. One of the congressmen entered it into the record a few minutes ago.
11:38: Now the hearing has just devolved into Darrell Issa clarifying that just because a prosecutor doesn’t prosecute doesn’t mean they don’t think the person they’re investigating is TOTALLY innocent, right?
11:42: Hank Johnson of Georgia directly accuses Hur of trashing Biden intentionally, because he knew how this would play for Republicans. Also talking about how all the people who have goosed Hur’s career along have been Federalist Society members. Hur is very mad about all this.
11:46: If you are wondering, yes the pathetic pissant talking right now is Jeff Van Drew, the New Jersey loser who used to be a Democrat until he was lured by the siren song of caucasian mediocrity known as MAGA. Clearly that’s where he belonged in the first place.
Now it’s Senator Schiff’s turn we mean Rep. Schiff.
11:50: SCHIFF: You knew your report would be public. You’re not an idiot. You knew your words would be used this way. Are you an idiot? You knew this would not be confidential. Let us not pretend you are the idiot you are trying to portray yourself as right now. Are you an idiot? You are not an idiot. Are you an idiot? Your testimony here today is that you are an idiot. Is that your testimony? Are you so dumb you didn’t understand the implications of using your report to editorialize about Joe Biden being old while that’s literally the Republicans’ primary attack against Biden?
11:53: SCHIFF: You were not born yesterday. You made a choice. GTFO.
Oh good, now we get to hear from Andy Biggs, a seditionist who admits out loud that he gets his news from Gateway Pundit AKA the Stupdiest Man On The Internet AKA a well-known fake news website.
11:59: SWALWELL: Cool immigrant story about your parents. The guy who appointed you US attorney and all these Republicans would criminalize those stories, but anyway, cool story.
12:01: SWALWELL: Will you pledge not to take any more appointments from Donald Trump, an adjudicated rapist? (He would not make that pledge.)
12:04: Hahaha, Swalwell gets Hur to confirm that he said Biden had “photographic” recall at one point in his transcript, but not in his report, and is now playing another full video of Donald Trump being a bag of dementia dicks.
12:09: Some Republican SOB Bishop is real upset DOJ released the transcript of the Biden interview this morning. That’s just not very helpful for Republicans.
Here is Eric Swalwell’s supercut of Donald Trump’s brain being an ant farm for syphilitic fire ants, via Aaron Rupar.
Hur being a real pisshole about Pramila Jayapal suggesting he exonerated Biden.
12:21: Getting real repetitive so we’re gonna order some lunch, but let the record reflect that Ukrainian Indiana Republican Victoria Spartz is fuckin’ weird, dude.
12:26: This dumb stain Tom Tiffany is really offended by the notion that Joe Biden is unlikely to steal classified information in the future. Then he called Hur part of the Praetorian Guard that protects the swamp elites. LOL.
12:34: Some seditionist shitbag from Wisconsin Scott Fitzgerald trying to get Hur to say Biden is senile. We think it’s pretty forgetful for guys like Scott Fitzgerald with his 27 years of military experience to become seditionists. Very embarrassing.
12:41: Mary Gay Scanlon like “Yep! Witnesses say they don’t recall sometimes! What Forgetful Franks! So here’s a video of a different witness in all his depositions not recalling things. Lots of Not Recallings in the depositions about the woman he raped!”
Some other white haired mediocre white man Republican upset Robert Hur couldn’t have just called Joe Biden a criminal. Truly Hur did not finish the job they gave him.
12:56: Oh sad, now some pigfuck Barry Moore from Alabama just took his whole time trying to beg Hur to disparage Jack Smith, that was pitiful.
1:01: Madeleine Dean from Pennsylvania making Hur read the parts of his report where he explains why the Trump indictments are far more grievous than the situation with Biden. He doesn’t want to read it himself. She makes him. And now he definitely won’t get an appointment from Trump, because he’s on tape being mean to Trump.
1:05: Uh, here’s a new extremely prissy Republican, Kevin Kiley of California. His bio on Wikipedia says he just married Chelsee. Golly we hope they’re happy.
This young boy thinks he’s precious, clearly. One of his questions was for Hur to tell everybody how Joe Biden’s mean press conference about his report made him feel. Also, if he was on a jury trying a case against Biden, would he convict?
At least this means we’re with the freshmen now.
1:10: Or maybe not. Lucy McBath is talking now, and she is not a freshman.
Anyway, Madeleline Dean just entered into the record the part of the actual transcript where Joe Biden knew exactly the date his son Beau died, so that pretty much negates whatever Hur said in his selectively cherrypicked report.
1:18: The thing Wyoming voters put in Liz Cheney’s chair is desperately trying to ask Hur questions that will score her a SMOKING GUN! moment, but she’s not smart enough to land the triple axel here. She’ll say something unhinged and weird, then say “Is that fair?” and Hur just keeps answering like … huh?
Her last question is why people named Clinton and Biden are never held accountable, because she is a serious person and not a clown.
Again, the thing Wyoming voters put in Liz Cheney’s chair!
1:31: It has been acknowledged that Hur is getting close to testifying as long as Joe Biden did!
Anyway, these youngster Republicans are tedious and decidedly not dynamic. Not a deep bench on the MAGA side.
1:37: And again, Jim Jordan is pisssssy. He’s mad they released the trasnscript this morning, he’s mad Robert Hur won’t opine on whether Congress should have the audio recordings of the interviews, because he is now a private citizen and it’s not for him to weigh in on that. Today did not go impressively for Jim Jordan in any way.
Some pigfuck from North Dakota, oh it’s the first pigfuck. Kelly Armstrong. That guy is really impressed with himself, but he’s not very impressive.
1:40: Oh good, we are upset again because Hillary Clinton is not in jail. WHY ARE WE ONLY PROSECUTING DONALD TRUMP?
(Because he is the only one who is a criminal and a traitor.)
Cori Bush now! Probably almost time for a break, we think?
1:42: Cori Bush just called Trump a white supremacist, we are sure some white Republicans will bitch and moan about this self-evident fact.
1:49: You guys, some white Texas pigfuck Nathaniel Moran really wants to argue that Joe Biden is an “incapacitated individual” who should have a guardian.
Good try from an absolute zero of a human.
1:51: Oh thank God, break time. It will be back after “votes.” We might come back after “votes.”
2:29: And it’s back! Not sure how many more are coming, but if it’s not boring, we’ll let you know.
2:41: Spoiler boring. Also our keyboard is fucking up?
So if you don’t hear from us again, WELLLLL, tip your bartenders! (Me.)
2:53: Ken Buck ends things, and also is ending his career next week, he just announced. Which strikes us as a real fuck you to Mike Johnson, depending on how tiny his House majority is. And now it’ll be one fewer, at least for a bit!
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
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I love the fuck up reel of trump's greatest hits.
Well, as long as we get to find out whether Joe Biden is old, I'm sure this hearing will provide very valuable information. Fuckers.