March Comes In Like A Lion And Out With A TRUMP CRIMINAL TRIAL

May it be the first of however many it takes for him to never experience freedom again.

Feb 15, 2024

Gentlemen, start the electric engines on your rusted out CyberTrucks, because we have a real date for the beginning of one of Donald Trump’s criminal trials, and it’s March 25.

Not the big federal election-stealing one. Special Counsel Jack Smith just filed his response to Trump’s appeal at the Supreme Court, where Trump is begging the justices to confer eternal sainthood and beatific immunity upon him, so that he may never be held accountable for the thousands of traitor crimes he’s always committing. (Smith would like that trial to please begin ASAP.)

Not the one where he stole state secrets and willfully concealed them and lied to the government about them. That one will happen as soon as that idiot hack judge runs out of ways to act as Trump’s defense lawyer, or never.

This is the BOOBIES one. Specifically the porn peener payoff New York state criminal trial, the one involving his illegal campaign finance payoffs to porn stars before the 2016 election.

PREVIOUSLY!

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January 30, 2023

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This morning, the judge set the trial to begin March 25 with jury selection, which is not very long from now. Trump’s attorneys screamed in protest. The judge invited them to eat a brunch buffet of all the fucks he has to give.

CNN has an exhaustive rundown of everything that happened in that New York courtroom today (and in Georgia, where Trump’s defense is trying to get Fulton County DA Fani Willis disqualified). New York is the one where Trump showed up.

Reminder: Trump is indicted in New York on 34 felony counts of falsifying records, as part of his coverups to slime his way into the White House. When he is found guilty he will be ~~hurled into the Hudson like garbage~~ probably not face prison time, say most of the experts we’ve read.

But still! It’s a good start, because remember all those months of polls that suggest Trump’s true Achilles’ heel would be criminal convictions? As broke-dick as polling has been lately, that’s been one constant.

Outside The Courtroom

When Trump arrived he babbled about “migrant crime” that keeps him up late at night hallucinating, or maybe he just has dementia, or maybe he’s just a lying bigot. “Migrants are trying to beat up our police officers, they’re trying to do things that we’ve never seen before actually!” Oh really, mister? Are the migrants inventing new crimes? (There is no migrant crime wave.)

Again revealing that his diseased mind is stuck in his own personal time-warped 1980s white supremacist nightmare, Trump claimed that New York is “so different from when I left,” and that “it’s dirty, and it’s crime ridden. I said hey, you walk down the street, you get mugged or you get shot.” (This is not how New York is. Crime is actually down, except for hate crimes. Shall we talk about the connections between Trump and hate crimes?)

His usual racist point was that he didn’t do crimes, so please go after dark-skinned people. “Enjoy it, it’s a sad thing, it’s a sad day for New York,” he said, after admitting that they’re in court because “we want delays.” (We’d give you videos, but for once we just really don’t feel like it. That’s his stupid face up there. That’s what he looked like.)

Inside The Courtroom

Trump’s lawyers asked Judge Juan Merchan to dismiss the case. He told them to eat bricks.

His lawyers whined it would be a “great injustice” to start on March 25. "We have been faced with extremely compressed and expedited schedules” in all the trials, bellyached lawyer Todd Blanche.

LIFE HACK: Doing too many crimes at the same time makes scheduling all your criminal trials a real pickle! Try spreading them out, or Marie Kondo your life by only doing the crimes that spark joy.

The judge noted that because of all the delays in DC and Florida, Trump is not currently in any criminal trials, so eat it. "You don't have a trial date in Georgia, you don’t have a trial date in Florida.” CNN notes that Merchan also had to tell Blanche to stop interrupting him.

Blanche continued his whining, though, and even said starting March 25 would be “unconstitutional” — stop laughing, he’s a real lawyer — because this could last all the way until May, and then when will they prepare for the next criminal trial? Also:

"President Trump says it all the time and the media makes fun of him but it's 'election interference' to make President Trump sit here in this courtroom," Blanche added.

LIFE HACK: If you’ve already committed 10,000 crimes and you know full well 10,000 indictments are heading your way, it might not be a good idea to announce a run for president. Avoid burnout by learning to say “no”!

This is the best part of CNN’s reporting:

"Thank you, Mr. Blanche,” Merchan said as he cut off the discussion on the trial date. “Mr. Blanche, please have a seat.”

LIFE HACK: Fuck off.

Just kidding, this is the best part of CNN’s reporting, from right at the end of the hearing:

“We strenuously object to what is happening in this courtroom,” [said Blanche].
"The fact that President Trump is going to now spend the next two months working on this trial instead of out in the campaign trail running for president is something that should not happen in this country," Blanche said.
But Merchan had already rejected Blanche’s attempts to push back the March 25 date for the start of the trial, and he wasn’t interested in continuing the conversation.
"What’s your legal argument?" Merchan asked.
"That is my legal argument," Blanche responded.
"That’s not a legal argument," Merchan said, telling the lawyers he'd see everyone March 25 and adjourning the hearing.

LIFE HACK: Fuck off and come back March 25, you losers.

One funny thing CNN notes is that by March 25, Trump might be the Republicans’ presumptive nominee, after Super Tuesday and the contests that come just after.

Won’t that be fun for the RNC? They should really considering secretly drafting Michelle Obama to come in and replace him at the last minute, we’ve heard that’s the hottest thing in politics right now.

[CNN]