Matt Gaetz Sex Probe Keeps Coming Back Like Grundle Herpes
Bad news for antisocial try-hard pervs everywhere!
Matt Gaetz is easily the most hated person in the entire House of Representatives, even factoring in Marjorie Taylor Greene, James Comer, and Nancy Mace.
This has been the case since long before he decided to humiliate the entire Republican caucus by ousting Speaker Kevin McCarthy, which rendered Republicans unable to choose a speaker for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS ALAN back in the fall.
Example:
Example:
Example:
In that last one, which was around the speaker fight, people like Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin were telling stories about Gaetz literally bragging to people — pathetic — about pounding boner medicine and energy drinks so he could have intercourse with human beings all night long. Only a guy whose face looks like that tries to impress other guys by telling them that. It’s like on “Succession” when — SPOILER — Tom drank his own cum out of a lady’s mouth and told everyone.
Everybody hates Matt Gaetz. Republicans hate him so much more than Democrats, who hate him and think he’s pathetic, but he is not their problem, so …
So it isn’t surprising to learn that, as ABC News reports, the investigation into Gaetz is “ramp[ing] up” again. Wait, which investigation? The House Ethics Committee one. In the House of Representatives. Which is controlled by Republicans. (Though it is the one committee on Capitol Hill that has an equal number of Republicans and Democrats.)
They’re calling new witnesses, including Gaetz’s creepy former wingman Joel Greenberg, who is in prison, who was sentenced in 2022 to 11 years after pleading guilty to six federal charges including sex trafficking a minor, identity theft, stalking, wire fraud, and conspiracy to bribe a public official. He then proceeded to help the government any way they told him to.
Another of the witnesses, ABC News and CNN both report, is the woman Gaetz allegedly paid to have sex with when she was a minor.
They’re calling all kinds of people the Justice Department called, even though the DOJ didn’t ultimately charge Gaetz.
Gaetz is so mad:
Responding to the new developments, Gaetz told ABC News in a statement, "It's great to see the Ethics Committee has interests beyond trading stocks. They seem to be quite the unusual whales."
That’s rough. (Gaetz has been bitching about the Ethics Committee “weaponizing” blah blah blah blah blah blah, ever since they opened the investigation last July.)
Here is another funny graf from the ABC report:
Since the [George] Santos probe concluded, the Ethics Committee has refocused its efforts toward Gaetz, sources said, with the committee expecting to schedule more interviews and receive documents related to the probe in the coming weeks.
What fun today’s Republicans are.
Different news organs (sorry for typing “organs” in a Matt Gaetz article, that should be illegal) are doing their own reporting and confirming details of what’s going on. For instance the Daily Beast says committee investigators are “zeroing in on the sex trafficking allegations against him,” and that the people the staffers are contacting are people who are “alleged witnesses to potential sex crimes.”
It says they’re going “all-in” on the Gaetz probe.
Ew ew ew ew gross we said “all-in” and “probe” and “Gaetz” in the same sentence. If you want more details or a refresher on “probe,” Daily Beast gotchu.
Oh, and late breaking! The Daily Beast ALSO reported Thursday night that Gaetz told colleagues in secret that the REAL reason he got Kevin McCarthy fired wasn’t “budget” or any other demands, but ACTUALLY because of this very investigation.
The Daily Beast read this in communications between Gaetz and an unnamed somebody they’re not identifying because they say Gaetz would know who it was.
In fact, the source who provided the communications was so nervous about retribution that The Daily Beast isn’t allowed to say in what form the correspondence took place. Suffice to say, however, it’s clear from the communications that Gaetz’s targeting of McCarthy wasn’t borne out of his concern for reckless Washington spending.
And that ain’t their only source either.
Well, we wish everybody involved here the best! Especially Matt Gaetz. Thoughts and prayers, man, thoughts and prayers.
[ABC News / Daily Beast]
SO MANY GROSS STORIES ABOUT MATT GAETZ!
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I can't make up my mind if Matt the Forehead is a 1940s Dick Tracy criminal, a 1966 Batman villain, or a character in an unpublished 5,000 page multi-volume Ayn Rand graphic novel.
Leopards take one look at that face.
"Sorry, I've already eaten."