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Rise And Shine, America! Republicans Are Telling Gross Stories About Matt Gaetz’s Red Rocket!
Oh, they hate him.
Last year, now-former Republican Rep. Madison Cawthorn learned the hard way what happens when you do something to make all your colleagues despise you more than they despise Democrats. He was free to call Volodymyr Zelenskyy a “thug” and be all other manners of garbage, but then he started sitting high and mighty like a perfect holier-than-thou Christian, casting judgment on all the Republican coke boner orgies he claimed Washington Republicans were always inviting him to, but which he declined to attend.
And his colleagues were like NOW YA DUN IT. The first rule of Weekly Republican Coke Boner Orgy Bible Study Potluck is you do not talk about Weekly Republican Coke Boner Orgy Bible Study Potluck.
And also look, if they ask you to bring the macaroni and cheese, that means the person who usually brings it is out this week with the clap, so you’d best show up with the goddamned mac and cheese.
He pissed off Republicans other ways too, especially back in North Carolina.
So the GOP, both nationally and back home, decided to take him down, and they did it with alarming efficiency, as we can see he is no longer in Congress.
Now everybody hates Matt Gaetz that much. They already hated him, everybody hated him. But after the stunt he’s now pulled, orchestrating the political end of their beloved Kevin McCarthy, they hate him a whole lot more. So we may be about to hear allllllll the stories they know about Matt, his jingle bells, who he shakes them at, and whatever other nasty-ass details there might be.
Everybody Like 'OMG Madison Cawthorn, Stop Talking About The Very Real GOP Sex Orgies We Invite You To!'
Markwayne Mullin, the senator from Oklahoma whose name sounds like he’s the lovechild of a serial killer and a youth pastor, shared a secret yesterday.
The claim: that Matt Gaetz would brag to his fellow congressmen about how he would just pound boner medicine and energy drinks, so he could fuck all night, bro!
If you’re imagining Matt Gaetz standing too close to a high school with a pocket full of Cialis and Monster Energy Drink, uh, well, sorry that’s happening to you this early in the AM.
Anyway, here’s Mullin, video and transcript. (Video via Acyn.)
MULLIN: This is a guy that the media didn’t give the time of day to after he was accused of sleeping with an underage girl. There’s a reason why no one in the conference came and defended him, because we had all seen the videos he was showing on the House floor, that all of us had walked away, of the girls that he had slept with. He’d brag about how he would crush E.D. medicine and chase it with an energy drink so he could go all night.
Mullin added that this was “obviously before he got married.” Obviously.
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When Anderson Cooper finished showing that clip, he clarified that Gaetz was never charged with any sex trafficking crime, and read a statement from Gaetz saying that “I don’t think Markwayne Mullin and I have said 20 words to each other on the House floor. This is a lie from someone who doesn’t know me and who is coping with the death of the political career of his friend Kevin. Thoughts and prayers.”
So that guy is definitely continuing to make friends and influence people.
This is not the first time we’ve heard of Matt Gaetz showing congressmen gross things on his phone on the House floor. Or about the empty boxes of Trojan bareskin condoms at the top of his trashcan in his office.
Again, everybody has always hated him.
But now they hate him more.
So the stories are going to get grosser and more detailed.
And they are going to stay just as classy as we already thought Matt Gaetz was, so if you had Viagra and Rockstar on your bingo card, well then, your bingo card is a trashy ass pervert.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
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