FBI Tells NYC Mayor To F*ck Off And Choke On A Big Indictment Sandwich

The rats of NYC breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Look at this misty old French hottie, gazing out on so many (alleged) mayoral crimes. Photo by tom coe on Unsplash

The least corrupt mayor in the country, Eric Adams, simply can’t catch a break. He blessed New Yorkers with the brand-new invention called “garbage cans” (because he loves to brag that he hates sweet, innocent rats) and yet the damn United States of America federales keep poking into his business. On Wednesday, he became the first sitting mayor in New York City history to face criminal charges!!!!!

I hope the cute Boston rat from The Departed sent a congratulatory email (typing with its little rat paws, awww!) to all the rats of NYC that Eric Adams is weirdly, creepily obsessed with killing.

Please bear in mind that in more innocent times (a few hours pre-indictment) this very story was filed and scheduled to go up onto the internet on Thursday, merely as an interesting look at the suspicious happenings of late in and around City Hall in NYC.

But late on Wednesday the Justice Department decided the story needed another plot twist and actually indicted the fucking mayor, so now here we are! It’s amazing how attentive they are to the needs of Wonkette. Out of gratitude, your current authoress got out of bed, put on pants (just kidding, a robe) and got to typin’!

Keep in mind that Adams, himself an ex-cop, is in charge of the largest police force in the entire world and oversees a city where shit of International Importance regularly goes down. Por ejemplo, it is where the chill music festival known as the United Nations (like Coachella, with less hot people and probably more drugs) takes place (that seems fun!). And wouldn’t you know it, Mayor Adams may possibly, allegedly, have more than just the usual friendly relations with some of those member countries and also — FUCK, we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

A semi-coherent timeline

In November of 2023, the FBI raided the apartment of Adams’s top fund-raiser, 25-year-old Brianna Suggs. A few days later, they seized phones from Adams himself. Then a bunch of other stuff happened here and there, and then it got real spicy again this month, which apparently is September of 2024 (we are all so, so tired).

On September 12, 2024, Edward Caban, the man Adams chose to lead the NYPD, resigned after the FBI seized his cell phone.

City Hall has been buffeted by four federal investigations, which have resulted in searches and seizures targeting high-ranking officials. But an inquiry involving the city’s top law enforcement official is rare, and it cast doubt on Commissioner Caban’s ability to supervise the department and make disciplinary decisions about his own force of 36,000 officers.

On September 13, 2024, Adams picked a new guy, and the new guy, Thomas Donlon, was clean as a whistle, right? Um, well …

On September 23, the FBI went through Donlon’s homes (he has multiple homes, how nice). Keep in mind Donlon himself is a former FBI official.

On Friday, trouble came for the commissioner himself: Federal agents arrived at the residences of Mr. Donlon, 71, a former F.B.I. counterterrorism official hired after his predecessor departed amid an investigation. They seized documents that he said had come into his possession about 20 years ago.

Hey, sometimes you make a bad hire. And sometimes you make a second bad hire. And sometimes you, yourself, Eric Adams, the sitting mayor of New York City, are in fact a VERY bad hire.

To that end (and we’ll get back to the investigations in a moment), just look what was in Wonkette’s very own Wednesday Tabs, courtesy of Yr Wonkette, Rebecca!

Hi remember when New York City Mayor (sigh) Eric Adams was loudly jerking off about how NYC had TOO MANY MIGRANTS in the shelters and they were doing ALL THE CRIME? Well I guess his administration blocking caseworkers for the people in the shelters, so that they couldn’t get work papers and get out of the shelters, was supposed to … help … that. Somehow. Sorry we haven’t covered all the crazy arrests and investigations and resignations and corruptions in his administration yet, I assume we will get to it! (The City)

In short, Mayor McFuckaduck allegedly deliberately used stalling tactics to kneecap shelter workers and staff so that the migrants wouldn’t get proper outside placements. He and his cronies were deliberately setting them all up to fail. That guy sucks!

On September 25, 2024, federal officials announced that Mayor Eric Adams himself is indicted. Local rats paused in eating pizza and cleaning up garbage with their mouths to giggle uncontrollably.

The insane details

The New York Times has an explainer here, and they keep updating it all the fucking time because dear God this administration is leaking like a storm-tossed boat built from a colander and cheesecloth. (As of Wednesday night, the indictment itself remained sealed.) Here’s what we do know:

• Federal prosecutors in Manhattan are currently investigating whether Adams took illegal donations from the government of Turkey during his 2021 mayoral campaign.

• Federal prosecutors in Manhattan are ALSO trying to figure out if Adams illegally pressured the New York Fire Department (hottest municipal service division in America after the Los Angeles Fire Department, I have lived in both places and done the research) to approve a high-rise consulate for the … you guessed it … government of Turkey, even though there were safety concerns!

• Reportedly, these same prosecutors have sought info on Adams administration communications with the governments of China, Israel, Qatar, South Korea, and Uzbekistan.

• There’s another federal investigation into alleged bribery schemes potentially involving City Hall aides and “city contracts issued under programs geared toward small companies owned by women and members of minority groups.” The feds, who clearly are just hungry for shiny new phones (get a flip phone and reduce your screen time, babes, calm down over there!), took the phones of “the first deputy mayor, Sheena Wright; David Banks, her partner [and NYC commissioner of schools!!!]; and Philip Banks [the deputy mayor of public safety!!!!]. Investigators also sought information from Timothy Pearson, a senior adviser and one of the mayor’s closest confidants. On Tuesday, David Banks announced he would resign at the end of December.”

HAHAHA WOW OKAY! There’s more, but my brain started to break. Anyway, congrats to all the PalmPilots, StarTACs, Blackberries, Sidekicks and bag car phones now chilling in federal lockup. May you enjoy your rest from probably not being used as a vehicle for any kind of corruption at all! Um, special congrats to the telephone(s) of Mayor Eric Adams, who probably maybe will not be mayor for much longer.

So, uh, when does this asshole resign?

Eric Adams will only resign if his lawyers impress upon him the idea that he is royally ratfucked (and again, he notoriously hates rats, who are actually sociable, loving little creatures who bond in cute groups and don’t try to hurt anybody.)

But if he does resign, there are dreamy skies ahead in the form of New York City’s public advocate, Jumaane Williams, who is a.) not a former cop, b.) hopefully not corrupt or at least not THIS corrupt, and c.) a lefty Dem of the sort that could perhaps be a nice change of pace for the Big Apple. Here is what is supposed to happen if Adams resigns and Williams assumes office:

Within three days of becoming mayor, Mr. Williams would name a date for a special election to pick a new mayor, according to the city’s charter. The nonpartisan election could be held within 90 days. The city’s relatively new ranked-choice voting system, in which voters can rank multiple candidates, would be used.

What a dizzying amount of info about the city that never sleeps. But I know there’s at least one special interest group that feels vindicated today. At long last, THE RATS HAVE WON! THE RATS HAVE WON!