Mike Johnson Is FREAKED By The Epstein Vote. So What's Really Up His Ass?
We have some guesses!
Last night, coming out of the state dinner Donald Trump threw for Prince Bonesaw bin-Murdertrash, House Speaker Mike Johnson was asked about what happened yesterday in the Senate, as the body swiftly moved the House’s discharge petition to force the release of the Epstein Files right on through with unanimous consent, sending the bill directly to Trump’s Big Mac TV tray for signing.
Friends, Johnson was shook. And he was mad. And the facial expressions from the weakest, most ineffective House speaker in American history were alone worth the price of admission. Shoot it directly into our veins!
MSNOW reporter Mycheal Schnell had asked how Johnson felt about the Senate passing the bill the House passed with no amendments. This was clearly not the outcome Johnson was desperately hoping for, not the next move on the “Must Protect Pedophiles” chessboard Johnson is playing with, and he raged:
“I am, uh, I am deeply disappointed in this outcome. I think, I’m told, I’ve been, it’s a state dinner, I don’t know, I was just told that Chuck Schumer rushed it to the floor and put it out there preemptively. It needed amendments, I just spoke to the president about that, we’ll see what happens.”
Was Trump going to veto this bill the House passed 427-to-“Clay Higgins,” and the Senate passed unanimously, Schnell asked?
“We both have concerns about it, we’ll see.”
As of last time we checked, the White House still says Trump will sign the veto-proof bill when it gets to him today.
But what’s Johnson so upset and lying about with this? Why is he grimacing like somebody just jizzed inside his biblical anti-masturbation software, which we are sure voids the warranty? And why’s he so mad at Chuck Schumer?
Let’s talk about all the ways Mike Johnson is weak and sad and full of shit and has fully lost control of this situation!
Yesterday in a press conference, Johnson said he was “confident” that Senate Majority Leader John Thune would allow amendments, in order to fix all his concerns with the discharge petition passed by the House. “I’m very confident that when this moves forward in process, if and when it is processed in the Senate — which is no certainty, that that will be — that they will take the time methodically to do what we have not been allowed to do in the House,” he whined. “Amend this discharge petition and to make sure these protections are there.”
After which Thune promptly made Johnson his bitch.
You see, Johnson is relying on you being too stupid to understand how things work in the Senate, to believe him when he says Schumer “rushed it to the floor,” as if Thune wouldn’t have been fully on board with a unanimous consent request. Lawrence O’Donnell, who used to work in the Senate and loves that wretched place, explained last night how this is not possible, and even showed video of Oklahoma GOP Senator Markwayne Mullin bringing the thumbs up message to Schumer, the message that communicated, “Yes, all the Republicans are on board with the unanimous consent request, go for it.” He explained how Republican senators can say no to a unanimous consent request from their offices.
Watch O’Donnell explain how a humiliated Mike Johnson is pathetically trying to lie his way out of this:
As O’Donnell said, Johnson is lying about every part of this, down to him pretending he was so busy eating the Saudi Murder Prince’s ass for dinner that he had no idea what the Senate was going to do. Of course he knew. He just couldn’t do anything about it. And now what tiny little bit of credibility he might have had — like, say, if he tells any of his members that he’s received assurances that the Senate is going to do this thing or that thing — is 100 percent gone forever.
But what are these “protections” Johnson is allegedly so concerned about? Well, he’s said it’s just that he’s really concerned about protections for the victims (bullfuckingshit) and whistleblowers and any other innocent people listed in the files! (If you think Mike Johnson cares one whit for the child rape victims in the Epstein Files, grow up.)
What else is Mike Johnson worried about? Well obviously he’s worried that the files the Justice Department is sitting on are full of vile incriminating evidence about Donald Trump, Johnson’s fascist daddy, and that the DOJ won’t be able to fully scrub his name from the files.
Republican Thomas Massie, one of the four Republicans who defected and made the discharge happen, tweeted this morning to illuminate Johnson’s grievances:
To kill the intent of the bill.
You see, Johnson has been working harder than probably anybody else to protect the pedophiles in the Epstein Files. It was Johnson’s insistence on continuing the coverup that made the discharge petition necessary in the first place. He kept the House closed during the entire government shutdown, which was not necessary, to hide from having to swear in Rep. Adelita Grijalva, who provided what was then the 218th vote on the discharge petition. (The 218 votes that turned into 427 by last night.)
So who does Johnson actually think he’s protecting if he’s worried about protecting “whistleblowers”? We have a guess!
Remember when Johnson babbled out a couple months ago that Trump was an FBI informant, and then immediately had to retract that after everybody started laughing at him? That was weird. Now look at the word vomit explanation from Clay Higgins for why he was the only person in all of Congress to vote against the release:
As Community Notes on Higgins’s tweet helpfully explain, victims’ names and the names of people uninvolved are already redacted, per the bill.
So who is Clay Higgins really worried about when he babbles about “named but not criminally implicated”? Is it the same guy Mike Johnson is worried about?
You see, we think there’s a weird thing at play here because Republicans and Democrats in Congress ultimately are presenting to the public two different understandings of what is contained in the files, at least when it comes to whether they are personally incriminating to Trump. For Republicans, the public line is that no matter how many times his name appears, Trump is INNOCENT and GOOD, and these files are really about DEMOCRATS like BILL CLINTON. They’ve got to keep that fiction up, to prevent MAGA voters from ever having to confront the horrifying alternative.
Democrats are not similarly hindered by a psychological need to cling to such fantasies.
So, in order to keep up the Republican fiction that Trump is entirely innocent — or to hide proof, if it’s true, that, as Trump’s dead pedo best friend suggested in the emails we’ve recently seen, Trump was an even bigger monster than he was — then indeed, Pam Bondi and DOJ/FBI need to be able to work unhindered to delete names and entire documents from the files and tell us to trust them when they swear they only deleted what was absolutely necessary, for victim safety, for national security, etc.
But Thomas Massie’s bill as written does not allow for that.
In fact, it lays out acceptable categories for redaction — even including things related to active federal investigations, which is obviously the loophole Trump is trying to use as a Hail Mary with ordering Bondi to open new investigations into Bill Clinton and so forth. Then it says Bondi cannot redact for “embarrassment, reputational harm, or political sensitivity.”
THEN, it says that within 15 days after handing the files the fuck over, DOJ “must provide Congress with a report listing all categories of records released and withheld, all redactions made and their legal basis, and all government officials and politically exposed persons named or referenced in the released materials.” (Emphasis ours.) Here is the pertinent text:
Yes, we see why Mike Johnson might want some amendments to that!
Bondi and Trump have been trying to hide the truth about all this for ages. Lord, they have been throwing shit at the wall ever since she slammed the files on her desk shut and announced that just kidding, nothing to see here! Wouldn’t you all rather hear about how AMELIA EARHART faked the MOON LANDING with her pet BIGFOOT right after she crashed her PLANE into the SECOND SHOOTER who murdered JFK??????
And yes, the answer is yes, we would like to hear that story, it sounds awesome.
But, like, after the Epstein kidfucker files are released, in their entirety.
And if you’re one of the people out there who’s sure they’re just going to be able to scrub the files and that will be the end of that, please witness how much Mike Johnson and others are panicking right now. Look at Clay Higgins’s tweet, and try to suss out what the world’s stupidest Cajun rent-a-cop was really saying there. Remember that they assessed Lauren Boebert as the stupidest of the four defecting Republicans and dragged her into the Situation Room — the Situation Room! — for a little intimidation session with Trump and his top law enforcement officials.
They do not want Congress to be able to monitor what Bondi and Kash Patel and others are deleting wholesale, and enough people in Congress — on both sides — have a general understanding of what’s in the files to be able to run to the nearest TV camera and yell “THESE ASSHOLES ARE STILL FULL OF SHIT.”
(For what it’s worth, Lev Parnas thinks the real scrubbing they’re trying to hide is all the Russian foreign influence and kompromat stuff, which he thinks is even more presidency-ending than the rest of it. Which is entirely possible, considering some of what’s in those emails from the Epstein estate!)
Anyway, that’s our fuckin’ guess what’s so far up Mike Johnson’s ass right now. This story isn’t anywhere near over. In fact, we reckon it’s juuuuuust beginning.
OPEN THREAD.
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I mentioned brain zaps yesterday and was wondering about what it would be like, and discovered many Wonkers have had some experience with it (which tracks! JK.) It was wonderfully supportive, because under your wicked liberal hearts most of you are sweethearts.
I have discovered that a brain zap feels like a momentary headful of bees for me. Not pleasant but endurable.
And Headful Of Bees is the name of my new trip-hop acid goth rock trio.
Did anyone happen to hear if MBS was admonished for not wearing a suit in the Offal Office like Zelenskyy was?