Mike Pence Testimony To Jack Smith Is The Stupidest Damned Hallmark Christmas Movie Ever

He needs you to know he was a very good boy.

Nov 28, 2023

Screengrab of that Mike Pence shaking head .gif we love so much.

Things may seem quiet with the investigations and criminal cases against Donald Trump, at least while his civil trial is playing out in Manhattan, but they’re chugging along.

In Manhattan, it’s being reported this morning that Donald Trump is going to testify against himself — we joke! but not really joke! — and will be the last witness put up by the defense. We are certain it will go as well for Trump as the Lord wants it to.

Meanwhile, Trump lawyer and very serious person Alina Habba said that the fact that the Manhattan judge’s clerk gets threats whenever Trump attacks her is just “part of the game.” You know, unfortunately.

In the election-stealing traitor nation-fucker case against Trump in Fulton, County, Georgia, prosecutors are saying that while some people are getting plea deals, they will not be available for Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani or Mark Meadows. Have fun, Donald!

In the DC election-stealing traitor nation-fucker January 6 case, Judge Tanya Chutkan has just told Team Trump to eat a bag of fucks with its demands for “missing” documents from the House Select January 6 Committee, saying it’s a “fishing expedition” that’s not being done in “good faith.” (Imagine that.)

Also in that case, ABC News has new reporting about what former Vice President Mike Pence told Special Counsel Jack Smith when he testified under oath. The short version is that it sounds like Pence told no fibs when he put his hand on the Bible and Jack Smith asks him to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help him God and if he’s lying Jesus is gonna swat him on his bottom.

Some highlights:

Pence told prosecutors he is “sure” he told Trump he wasn’t aware of evidence of election fraud. Trump didn’t care. Pence said Trump “acted recklessly.” All this is in line with Smith’s indictment against Trump.
Pence said he got freaked out when Trump started listening to human bat guano like Rudy Giuliani and Sidney Powell instead of good lawyers, and that Trump knew how he felt about that. Trump didn’t care. (Pence considered those lawyers to be “cranks.”)
Pence said on December 21, Trump seemed to acknowledge the possibility he really lost the election, when Pence suggested to him that maybe he should “accept the results” and “take a bow” and then eventually “run again if you want to.” It was two days after that when Trump started spreading conspiracy theories about Mike Pence being able to overturn the election for him.
Pence said Trump knew he couldn’t do anything on January 6 to overturn the election, because Pence had told him. He even said a line in his book where he told Trump on Christmas, “You know, I don't think I have the authority to change the outcome,” should not have included that comma. Prosecutors were interested in the slightly changed meaning there.
Pence, who we should remember is an idiot and a mental windsock, told investigators he truly doesn’t believe Trump wanted January 6 to turn violent. All the evidence suggests otherwise.

And more!

Because Pence is such a goody-goody try-hard dork, he reportedly expressed to prosecutors that he loved Trump, he just loved Jesus and Constitution more: “My only higher loyalty was to God and the Constitution.” Indeed, on Christmas Eve he was so upset about having to hurt Donald Trump’s feelings that just for a minute he thought he would let somebody else preside over January 6. He thought his participation would be “too hurtful to my friend,” he wrote in his notes.

“Not feeling like I should attend electoral count,” Pence wrote in his notes in late December. “Too many questions, too many doubts, too hurtful to my friend. Therefore I'm not going to participate in certification of election.”
Then, sitting across the table from his son, a Marine, while on vacation in Colorado, his son said to him, “Dad, you took the same oath I took” — it was “an oath to support and defend the Constitution,” Pence recalled to Smith’s investigators, sources said.
That’s when Pence decided he would be at the Capitol on Jan. 6 after all, according to the sources.

This is the stupidest goddamned fucking Hallmark Christmas movie ever.

It sounds like Pence really did take every opportunity to tell Jack Smith what a good boy he is:

“I told [Trump] I thought there was no idea more un-American than the idea that any one person could decide what electoral votes to count,” Pence allegedly told Smith's team, echoing what he has said before in his book and other public forums. “I made it very plain to him that it was inconsistent with our history and tradition.”

Well, carve a picture of Pence on Mount Rushmore and make sure to include his hands in the rock sculpture so we know he’s not masturbating.

We’d imagine the most important parts here for Smith’s case are the confirmations of Pence telling Trump, repeatedly, that the election wasn’t stolen and that he couldn’t overturn it. We have known for a while now that a big part of Trump’s defense will likely be an “advice of counsel” defense — namely that poor Trump was too helpless and stupid and led astray by bad influence lawyers to bear any culpability for trying to steal the election and overthrow the Republic. It’s bullshit. Trump knew, and was told repeatedly, per the indictment, that his lawyers’ cockamamie schemes for overturning the election were DSM-V-grade clownfuckery.

Goody-goody Jesus’s Little Helper Mike Pence told him.

In response, according to the indictment, he told Pence, “You’re too honest.”

[ABC News]