Moses Mike Johnson Finds Rainbow Miracle At End Of Longest-Ever Gov Agency Shutdown
But not the gay kind. Never the gay kind for Holy Mike!
With the USA’s executive branch captured by President Donald John Trump and our Supreme Court certain six on the Martha-Ann Alito democracy weight-loss diet, let us check in on the third leg of our governmental stool. The Republican-dominated legislature!
What do you know, yesterday they did a thing! They passed a farm bill, yeehaw, AKA HR 7567, AKA The Farm, Food, and National Security Act of 2026. And just in time for a scheduled 12-day break for all of them to go back to their districts, too, with 14 Democrats joining 209 Republicans to get ‘er done.
Also tucked inside, after 76 days of no money, DHS shall now be funded, and FISA will be extended for 45 days, and some pesticide votes got tabled. What? Progress? What happened? A whole lot of drama, horse-trading, sausage making and un-holy curse words behind the scenes, it would seem! And also one Donald J. Trump apparently finally noticing that his agenda could get neutered in November if popular-as-farts Republicans can’t find a way to hand-picking their voters and holding the Congress after midterms.
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But for now, the House side of the 119th Congress is spoken for by one James Michael Johnson, Representative of Louisiana’s Fourth district! And as House speaker, his job as he sees it is to play Aaron to Donald Trump’s Moses. All that power, and yet their tribe has not been cooperating, the faithful have been getting doubtful, and the Department of Homeland Security has been officially shut down and un-funded for 76 days, even after the rest of government got re-opened last November 12. But parceled-out-on-account-of-murder DHS’s funding has been tapped out since February 14, and its non-essential workers are worried about missing yet another round of paychecks for May. Uh oh, not a good look if summer vacation lines are as long, moist and smelly as spring break’s were!
Yet since March, Johnson has been sitting on a funding bill that the Senate had passed back to him, which he referred to at the time as “a joke” and refused to bring it up for a vote. On April 1, though, Johnson reversed course, House and Senate Republicans and Democrats too came to an agreement to fund DHS. But their God the Father Himself kept testing all of their faiths by refusing to agree to sign anything, while piling on more demands, like that he would not sign any bill unless they also passed the SAVE Act, and/or gave the executive branch license to continue doing all the FISA snooping and wiretapps they want because James Comey something something.
So Trump decided instead Congress is not the boss of him, and he would just send his essential ICE goons to roam the airports, and also try to pull a legally dubious move by declaring all the non-essential workers now essential and to be paid therefore anyway.
Meanwhile, MAGA tried their ding-dangdest to convince the public that Democrats were to blame for all the airport lines etc. Those Democrats, with their bleedin’ heart civil rights demands like judicial warrants before ICE busts down a door to a preschool to drag a teacher away, or wear a camera when shooting someone in the street! A hard sell, though, because about two-thirds of Americans happen to agree with Democrats that ICE has gone too far. And nobody wants an ICE human warehouse-kennel in their backyard, not even in places like Oklahoma and Texas!
So, Thursday, on the last day of April, and right as the House was entering a designated 12-day “work from home” sesh, the House of Representatives just got a thing done for the first time since ... a while.
And representatives, worried about being slayed by a certain ass’s jawbone at the ballot box come November, have reportedly been cussing poor Mike Johnson out in language that would make the baby Jesus cry, much stronger than any H-E-double-hockey-sticks, during the time it took for President Trump to realize he was circumcising his own agenda, sacrificing deals already flapping on his altar to go chase after more and bigger game for the feast, the big yuge feast they’re all gonna have someday after MAGA Jesus returns with gift cards for all his faithful believers and darns all the rest to eternal heckfire, any day now! Unless Republicans get smited too-big-to-steal-style at the ballot box in November, that is.
Factual medicine swallowed, let’s now relish some quips and quotes from Mike Johnson’s closest alleged allies using some unsaintly language at him and his shambolic leadership in the days before Trump’s dam burst, courtesy of delicious NOTUS article, “Mike Johnson’s Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week”:
“This is what happens when you have leadership who can’t organize a one-car parade,” said one unidentified senior Republican. Full of horny, entitled and narcissistic clowns, we are obliged to add!
“Right now, it’s a shit show, ”remarked Rep. Chip Roy, right after Johnson reportedly reneged on a promise to him for a vote on that farm bill, and sometime around when he screamed at Johnson, “We had an agreement today and then you changed it! I’m going to go vote no!” before slamming a door in Johnson’s face, right in front of the reporter from NOTUS, hyuk. Emotional self-regulation, not a MAGA thing.
Also “Johnson told NOTUS ‘this isn’t the first time’ that Roy had yelled at him, and that they had a good discussion and were going to figure things out.” Healthy!
More quotes, because they spark joy:
“Asked to described Johnson’s handling of this week, another member simply said: ‘fucked.’”
“Rep. Stephanie Bice ripped into Johnson on the House floor and Rep. Ann Wagner loudly proclaimed ‘that’s bullshit’ when Johnson was talking. …Things did not get better from there.”
At one point earlier in the evening, Rep. Byron Donalds emerged from the speaker’s office with a plate in hand, telling reporters, “The only answers I got was pizza.”
“I support the president, but the speaker obviously doesn’t listen to members,” another House Republican said.
And another chimed in with more detail in the ways in which Johnson is simply not good at his job. What do you know, maybe there IS a role for “soft power” after all, and there is more to the measure of a man than being a mouth-hole for a raging boner:
“It’s been very disastrous to cram this all into three rules,” one House Republican said. “There should have been a streamlining of the schedule. This is too many things to cram into one — when you have the budget reconciliation, you have FISA and you have your farm bill. It’s just too much.”
This Republican continued saying that Johnson’s leadership has been “chaotic.”
Welp, so has Johnson’s leader! With so much earthly power thrust upon him at once, Trump has been going at it like a toddler in a candy store. And even on his best days, it is not his job to mediate intra-MAGA squabbles like which pesticides are good because farmers want them while bad according to MAHA. That is Southern Baptist Holy Mike Johnson’s job, and it would seem that he sucks at it!
You could stop reading here, or …
*Let’s get holy ghost with Holy Mike!
Because Lordy, if you’ve never read Mike Johnson’s full quote on the Moses-ing thing, you have been missing out. The time, December of 2023, place, Conway, Arkansas, occasion, addressing a gala of the National Association of Christian Lawmakers. And quel intriguing glance into the entitled, self-serving heart of a humility-free individual! The videos got pulled after people were like HOLY SHIT, but transcripts are forever:
“I’ll tell you a secret since the media’s not here.
“The Lord impressed upon my heart a few weeks before this happened that something was going to occur. And the Lord very specifically told me in my prayers to prepare but to wait. I had this sense that we were going to come to a Red Sea moment in our Republican conference and the country at large. Look, I’m a Southern Baptist. I don’t want to get too spooky on you, ok? But the Lord speaks to your heart. And he had been speaking to me about this. And the Lord told me very clearly to prepare. Ok, prepare for what? I don’t know. ‘We’re coming to a Red Sea moment.’ ‘What does that mean, Lord?’”
A speech, by the way, Mike Johnson either knew or certainly ought to have known would be recorded and potentially posted on the group or its dumbshit attendees’ social media pages, because like duh? Scoring the recently elected Speaker of the House of the United States Representatives, public servant, public figure, was quite a get, and legitimizing those weirdos was the entire point of him being there.
So off with a lie right out of the box, noice. How the ethics of their particular sect are a mystery, maybe he gets re-borned and re-forgiven again every single morning, before re-falling off of a government-subsidized turnip truck?
In the beginning God created heaven and earth, and then he sprinkled in some primates, and among them some jerks, just to make things interesting, but eek, too many jerks, and brothers started killing each other, holy moly! So God gave one a real gift of gab, and was like, speaketh some rules to those assholes! And that helped a bit, for a while, with all the brother-stabbing, wife-fucking, idol and grain-coveting etc. that was driving them all out of their monkey minds.
But still not enough, OY! Jesus Christ, give them some sense of personal responsibility! Tell them to try and feed each other, just be nice! Scratch that first draft with Moses, obviously too confusing, just be nice, go smelleth the flowers, sippeth the wine and enjoyeth intercourse with the spouse! Wear whatever outfit, get whatever haircut, maybe the army dudes should cut back on all the rape, be kind to children, maybe My wording in the first draft was unclear in translation from Burning Bush to Greek or Aramaic or whatever, My point was, I didn’t send thou-all to suffer or attack the meek, but to enjoyeth My world as My fun and funny little pets! BE NICE, did thou hear Me say BE NICE?! and if eating bacon helps thou out to be more pleasant, like, whatever!
And we all know how that went, even God himself could not bear to watch his cute sweet little Jesus Christ taking more than 33 years of earthly bullshit. So the bad, curious monkeys got a commemorative book, a mysterious holy ghostly spirit, rainbows to remind them to behave, hallucinogenic plants, a dog and a cat for company and so on. But Father and Son though, WE OUT! They just watch everybody like Real Housewives, to see who is down enough to come up and hang with Them later.
From there, that is where Mike Johnson’s particular very American evangelical sect-of-a-sect-of-a-sect of Christianity took a sharp turn from that of the Pope and traditional mainstream Protestant kinds of ones, even mainstream Southern Baptist ones in parts, and seems to have lost the plot. If you want to lead your people, God to Aaron to Moses to Mike Johnson, you have to communicate Real Clear where you’re trying to get them to go, and slaughtering the innocent, starving grandma, raping the meek etc., is not it.
And don’t think anybody’s Lord is falling for Mike Johnson’s selectively dumb himbo routine. Even Chip Roy can see right through that.
Anyway, one thing they finally all did agree on in the end, God, Jesus, and The House. All they want is to go back home, for some peace and quiet, and finally a break from Mike Johnson’s loser bayou revival on the Potomac.
Take note, Democrats: *The second* you guys decided to stop being punching bags for the Republicans, they immediately turned on themselves and starting fucking each other instead of the rest of the country.
Today I saw an ice cream truck drive by. It was called The Rolling Cones and it was painted in tie-dye style artwork. Groovy cool.