Pentagon And Troops Better Watch Pete Hegseth Prance And Preen For The Generals, OR ELSE!
F-A-F-O!
Update on two stories about Pete Hegseth AKA Secretary Shitfaced, which have come together to remind us all what an incompetent, weak and sad dipshit is running the Department of Defense of the United States of America.
First of all, they went through with it. Major Weenus’s deadline came and went, and no networks had signed his Nazi fascist journalism pledge besides One America News — his former employers at Fox News ended up joining all the mainstream networks to tell him to fuck himself — therefore they all had to turn in their press passes, and now there is no Pentagon Press Corps.
(But take heart, Pete! Ginormous bootlicking loser Mollie Hemingway, editor of The Federalist, says they’re going to sign it. That’s right, all your stories from inside the Pentagon brought to you by the assorted clownpubes who work at OAN and The Federalist. Eat your heart out, Murrow!)
Anyway, it sucks that real reporters won’t be allowed in the Pentagon anymore, but with that little tyrant loser fluffing himself and calling himself the secretary of WARRRR, they’re making the gamble that if they work hard enough, the story will keep coming to them, press passes or no press passes. (The Guardian has a good piece on the challenges ahead, with lots of quotes from members of the press corps.)
And hey, speaking of the stories finding their ways out of the Pentagon walls and getting to journalists, remember that pathetic speech Shitfaced gave where he summoned all the country’s generals (who outrank him) to Quantico so he could prancercise around the stage and talk about the proper way to do hair?
Well, prepare to laugh at it some more, because apparently Secretary I’m-A-Big-Kid-Now, the one with the hilarious pull-ups, is prancercising around the Pentagon and demanding everybody verify that they have watched the video of his loser self-sucking speech.
THERE WILL BE A QUIZ!
Prem Thakker and Asawin Suebsaeng report for Zeteo — Mehdi Hasan’s outfit — that Private Sillybritches has gotten the message out that everybody in the Pentagon has to watch his dork speech, or read it, and they are not allowed to say bad things about it or make fun of it, OR ELSE.
So hey, if you are in the Pentagon right now, you better not say “Oh boy, that stupid speech Secretary Shitfaced gave could have been an email, FOR BONER BILLS.”
Because A., first of all, everybody already made the joke about how it was the most pointless speech in the history of God and man, a waste of the time of every one of those generals whose life and career outshines Hegseth’s, so pointless that it could have been an email. And B., Wonkette already added the hilarious line, “FOR BONER PILLS,” to the thing everyone has been saying about how pointless the speech was.
And C., Secretary Shitfaced is DRUUUUUNK. On power! And making fun of him is banned!
Thakker and Suebsaeng report that Hegseth’s flock of white boys with Little Man Syndrome “have actively monitored staffers, pressing them to confirm whether they had seen the speech.” They are asking for proof, say Zeteo’s sources. And they have made sure staffers know “there would be reprimands – if staff were caught lying or ridiculing the former Fox News host’s address.”
Sorry, we’re gonna let you catch your breath in case you’re laughing so hard at that complete pussy that you need a minute. Here’s something while you’re waiting.
Y’all OK out there? You still laughing as hard at Hegseth as America’s enemies and allies are? Yeah, same. Here are some quotes from the story:
“We have other things we need to work on,” one of the Defense Department staffers tells Zeteo. “When they told us we were required to watch the Hegseth speech, I did not realize they were going to throw this kind of manpower at enforcing the mandatory viewing of a Trump rally.”
Well, Pete Hegseth has been reorienting the way the US military works, getting rid of things that make us stronger and focusing more on eliminating things that make his brain hurt or his peepee feel small. So this tracks.
[Another] Defense Department staffer detailed similar experiences in the past several days and described it as “being forced to watch that MAGA garbage.”
Oof. Greatest military in the history of the world, y’all. Or at least it was until January 20 of this year.
Zeteo notes that the LGBTQ+ news magazine The Advocate also recently reported on Shitfaced’s decree that all must watch him lolligag around the stage and talk about how fat troops are icky. They had gotten hold of an email that contained the decree:
An internal email sent on Wednesday to the 1st Fighter Wing at Joint Base Langley–Eustis, a key Air Force installation in Hampton, Virginia, obtained by The Advocate, confirms the order. In it, Col. Brad S. Huebinger, the wing’s commander, wrote that “the Secretary of War has directed that all personnel will either watch the full recording or read the official transcript of his speech and review the policy changes no later than 31 October 2025.”
Want more quotes about what a garbage speech Hegseth gave, and why forcing everyone to watch it is a tyrannical waste of time? That article has some. And reading Zeteo’s reporting, it sounds like the pressure is on now even more than last week. How can our troops be ready to perform if they haven’t heard Pete Hegseth’s latest masculine insecurity spewings about how girl troops make him feel insecure?
Zeteo again:
At times, when subordinates have replied that they had watched the nearly hour-long speech in full, higher-ranking officials have immediately asked the staffers questions about the speech – as if to, in the words of one of the sources, “test” them and make sure they aren’t lying. In other instances, Defense Department staff were warned that there would be negative consequences if they were found to have not actually watched or read the speech, or if they were found to have mocked Hegseth’s address.
And now you’re laughing hysterically again.
In the interest of being of service to the brave men and women who serve our country — especially if they are going without pay right now because Republicans are hellbent on inflicting maximum harm on Americans with their shutdown — here is a cheat sheet for any Pentagon staffers and troops who really want to watch the speech, totally, but they just haven’t gotten around to it, or they don’t really want to waste a minute of their lives watching a man with barely concealed forehead warts and (reportedly!) Botox strut around a stage masturbating to fantasies of glory he’ll never live up to:
OK well a really touchy sensitive man who looks like an oil rig exploded on a gay skunk strutted around the stage.
WARFIGHTER!
OK, there was a really funny part where Shitfaced got all dramatic and looked at the camera like he was doing a bit on Fox & Friends Weekend and “warned” our enemies that “[t]hey will be crushed by the violence, precision, and ferocity of the War Department. To our enemies, F-A-F-O.”
Yes, he really spelled it like that, it was so stupid. This is probably why people around the Pentagon and on bases around the world are dramatically saying “F-A-F-O” out to each other for no reason and laughing. Or at least we are imagining they are doing that. It would be hilarious if they were. “F-A-F-O!”
Remember to call it “WAR DEPARTMENT,” and to call the beclowned boss the “secretary of WARRRR,” because once again, Daddy issues with biiiiiig snowflake energy are in charge. He really thinks this makes him manly.
WARFIGHTER!
The system has been RIGGED! against entirely mediocre white man losers with generally unimpressive military careers, BUT NO LONGER!
Girls are icky, ew!
Fat people are icky, ew!
Everybody who isn’t a white conservative Christian with daddy issues is icky, ew!
“HIGHEST MALE STANDARD ONLY!”
WARFIGHTER!
LMAO LOL, stop saying “DIVERSITY IS OUR STRENGTH!” Diversity is not our strength! Our strength is making sure Pete Hegseth is camera-ready for his next close-up!
Please watch this video of Pete Hegseth doing his little exercises.
Rules of engagement are bullshit! So-called “war crimes” are bullshit! Telling Secretary Shitfaced what to do is bullshit!
WARFIGHTER!'
Remember to shave!
Nobody clapped at the end.
Got all that?
![THOSE War Plans? Pete Hegseth Didn’t Know You Meant THOSE [hic] War Plans](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!8rnj!,w_140,h_140,c_fill,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep,g_auto/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fbb01e885-c6e1-4841-8d3d-4e2eb2dad8a8_1068x606.png)
It shouldn’t be that hard if there’s a pop quiz, because like all white men as unimpressive as Pete Hegseth is, the nutsack only knows how to play one tune.
Sorry about all this, American Pentagon staffers and troops. We know (most of) you didn’t sign up for this or to be deployed to attack American cities, or any of it.
How utterly pathetic.
[Zeteo / The Advocate]
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THERE WILL BE NO FAT BEARDOS IN THE MILITARY!!!!
(we need them for ICE).
Small dick energy, enough to power the sun.