NOTE: Evan will be on Michelangelo Signorile talking about Hegseth’s speech today at 3:30 p.m. ET. on SiriusXM Progress! Check your local listings!
When Pete Hegseth started begging for hot Army guys to join him for his latest State of the Force speech about who’s invited to his He-Man Woman Haters Club, No Girls, Gays, Or Black Guys Allowed Christian Nazi treehouse, he tried to sweeten the deal by saying that troops who came to the event would have the “opportunity” to work out with Pete.
“Opportunity.” Like people are sitting around dreaming of watching him dance and/or maybe get kicked in the face while he tries to heave his sad body through a pull-up.
Right, exactly.
Well, we regret to inform you that the Pentagon is still not in on the joke — or maybe they are — and they have again breathlessly released footage of Whiskeydick just bein’ one of the guys, working out with the troops, and it is just as sad and needy and pick-me and cringe-inducing as every other time the man shows his face and bad skin in public.
Here are your latest dorkass videos of Secretary No Tab and the men who never thought they’d be commanded by someone so unworthy, men who actually earned their right to be there, unlike their leader, running around wearing T-shirts that say “THIS IS WAR!”
OK, that’s enough videos. They’re all like that. At least these don’t feature any specific footage of Shitfaced tripping over his own feet or falling off the monkey bars. They might have learned by now to edit all that out.
OK, so the lucky white guys and maybe two or three women who got the “opportunity” to come and run laps with Shitfaced and watch his latest State Of The Shaving, “Fuck Everything, We’re Doing Five Blades” Address. What else did they get?
What if we told you attendees also got their own special copy of a book of Whiskey Pete’s speeches? That’s right: HIS LETTERS! Because when you’re stuck in a foxhole or trying to go to sleep at night, what more could you want for comfort than the print version of “No Fatties, No Tr*nnies, No Beardos, No Weirdos, No Wimps, No Radicals”? Does it include last year’s speech about hairdos that he made the generals fly to Quantico for? Does it include pictures of Pete personally administering the testosterone tests to the patriotic cowboys? You’ll have to ask a traumatized troop!
Any excuse to propagandize the troops with the teachings of a Christian extremist culture warrior!
As we have already discussed, the speech he gave yesterday was horrifying and stupid and sad and embarrassing and weird and rapey and gross and Nazi. Basically everything we expect from Secretary Credible Rape Accusation with the Crusades Tattoos.
But speaking of those Crusades tattoos, another part of the speech deserves more attention, even more than whatever announcements he made about starting a new Future Robot Boner Battalion to study the future of WARFIGHTING! (That one will be led by such WARFIGHTERS! as Elon Musk, Newt Gingrich, and tech-bro weirdo Palmer Luckey, who happens to be Matt Gaetz’s brother-in-law, if you were wondering how his name got in there. No word on if troops involved in that project, which is actually called Project Meridian, will get to get to do naked workouts/hot yoga/Sit And Be Fit with Elon Musk and Newt Gingrich. Maybe if they’re real good!)
Secretary Crusades Tattoos announced that he would be starting a new Office of Religious Affairs, set up to provide “first class religious support.” This new position, which we bet will be held by a white supremacist Christian conservative man, will report directly to Shitfaced, because you can’t do the Crusades if you’re busy with woke bureaucracy:
“This is not going to be a paper-pushing shop; it’s going to have real teeth. It’ll protect budgets, demand infrastructure and strengthen religious support,” Hegseth said.
Cool, establishing Christian nationalism at the top of what is still the world’s most powerful military, for however long that designation remains true with Major Drunk at the top. And doing it with teeth.
This clearly came out of Hegseth’s efforts to “streamline” the chaplain corps, so there’s one white man who can directly work with Secretary God Touch — who learned everything he knows from sicko Super Racist/Super Homophobe/Super Creep Doug Wilson — on how things are going with the military, spiritually.
We cannot imagine what could go wrong with this.
Right now, we’re supposed to be scared of Iran — which Pete is losing a war against — because it’s run by “religious fanatic lunatics,” per Marco Rubio. Hegseth thinks he’s fighting a holy war against Iran, which makes it even more pathetic that he’s losing it. “Onward Christian soldiers, DOY DOY DOY DOY DOY,” they sing as they march into battle with dicks limp and plans not made, except we guess when AI tells them to explode some little girls for the crime of went to school that day.
We’re supposed to just be OK with it, though, when the religious fanatic lunatics in question are dry-drunk (allegedly) Christian Nazi lunatics. It’s supposed to be OK when the religious fanatic lunatics are Christians. These people aren’t against religious extremism, they’re just Christian nationalist bigots.
Meanwhile, this is a country where the Constitution says Congress isn’t to make a law respecting or establishing any one religion over another. But Fox News weekender Pete Hegseth can! And he can do it while continually blaspheming the scriptures of several major religions, including the one he claims as his own, because he ascribes to a particularly sick, demented bastard version of it. He proclaimed in his speech that “blessed is the nation in which God is the Lord.” (Psalm 33:12, if you’re curious which part of the Bible he’s touching without its consent today.)
Look at him, he’s got a new Bible verse to use and abuse. Something different from his perverted “Send Me” Tour, where he shits on Isaiah 6 and ignorantly tries to turn it into into a blood-lusty war cry.
What an absolute fucking freak. What a pissant little loser. How goddamned embarrassing.
As we discussed previously, the part of the speech Shitfaced appeared most proud of was his “No Fatties, No Tr*nnies, No Beardos, No Weirdos, No Wimps, No Radicals” line. We must note that, despite how he seemed like he had practiced it in front of the mirror for a long time, he still fucked it up, like he fucks everything up. He will fuck up whatever he’s trying to do with this Office of Mandatory Godfucking too. Did Hitler’s Nazis try to do things along these lines? Sure, but they weren’t the buffoons Whiskeydick Von Shitfaced is.
He will fuck up the reality-TV-style competition he announced, where he apparently wants the governors to all fight over who gets a shiny new military base.
He’s not cut out for any of this.
Again, he’s a culture warrior, not a real warrior. And every person who temporarily answers to him — highly temporarily — knows it.
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SEE NOTE I added to the top, I am going on Michelangelo Signorile to talk about Hegseth at 3:30 p.m ET!
OT: So Tennessee got SCOTUS to lift that stay of execution, tried to kill the inmate, bollixed the job, then sent the inmate to a hospital for . . . medical treatment.
Now where did I put that crazy pills gif?