Pete Hegseth Gonna Put Mark Kelly In Jail For New [Hic!] Reason, You'll See!
SHUT UP IT'S NOT [HIC!] FUNNY.
If it’s a week in the Trump administration, Saturday Night Live just got finished making fun of Secretary Shitfaced Hegseth OF WAR — S.S. Whiskey Pete for short, and for the ship that’ll never be named after him — and Shitfaced is in turn babbling whiskeydicked threats at Senator Mark Kelly. It is his kink, we guess.
Recently we got the absolutely humiliating news that Hegseth had the Navy secretary John Phelan pushed out partially because he was jealous and upset that guy was DMing his Daddy Donald Trump about shipbuilding late at night behind his back and not including him in the group chat. Pete is jelly and territorial about Daddy’s attention, as any casual observer can see by his body language during every Cabinet meeting.
But there was another reported reason that was even more humiliating, namely that Hegseth had tried to force Phelan to come up with a cool way to punish Kelly for that video where he calmly explained to the troops that they swore an oath to the Constitution, which by definition means they are duty-bound to ignore illegal orders from the Secretary of War Crimes and the decaying orange blob of makeup and poopsmells he calls boss. He wanted Phelan to ignore a judge’s ruling — Dubya Bush appointee District Judge Richard Leon — so that they could bring Kelly back into active duty and then demote and punish him.
And it appears Phelan wouldn’t do it.
Perhaps Phelan doesn’t want to be on the hook for involvement in war crimes at The Hague or the American Nuremberg Trials one day, once worthless fascist MAGA men start facing accountability for what they’re doing to the United States on Trump’s behalf. As we wrote at the time, “Phelan, an art collector and Trump fundraiser with no military experience, nonetheless was not stupid enough to ignore the Constitution to try to go after Dear Leader’s enemies for reminding them that Dear Leader is not actually Dear Leader, and he wasn’t willing to be a party to Hegseth using the Uniform Code of Military Justice like his own personal drunken cum towel.”
But, well, Hegseth is kind of like that guy at the end of the bar who’s at that moment of shitfaced where he gets fixated on a thing he wants and can’t let it go, who thinks he’s being excessively clever about it, and he’s just going to keep humiliating himself while people find new ways to tell him “no.”
Hegseth is now apparently under the impression that he’s NAILED Mark Kelly for leaking super top secret information about the Iran war, which is funny for obvious Signalgate reasons.
![THOSE War Plans? Pete Hegseth Didn’t Know You Meant THOSE [hic] War Plans](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!8rnj!,w_140,h_140,c_fill,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep,g_auto/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fbb01e885-c6e1-4841-8d3d-4e2eb2dad8a8_1068x606.png)
So last night, he did his affirmations in front of the mirror, popped whatever it takes to get up the manly courage he needs to confront men of true honor like Kelly, and he wrote this tweet:
A couple of the top replies to that tweet right now are “You’re an actor. You’re playing Secdef. At least try to play a good one” (Adam Kinzinger) and “Oh fuck off you drunk cunt” (JoJoFromJerz).
People receive the respect they earn.
But the response from Kelly is even more brutal, as it reminds Hegseth that the thing he said that got the little bitch SecDef’s dander up, the thing he’s now accusing Kelly of “blabbing on TV” from a “CLASSIFIED” briefing was actually … information he received in a conversation with Hegseth that happened in public, on television, last week.
“That’s not classified, it’s a quote from you.”
Oh, humiliating.
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As the Daily Beast explains, what Kelly said on Face the Nation yesterday that upset Pete so much was pretty general, about how much the US military is squandering its munitions capabilities for this stupid fucking pointless war it’s losing:
Speaking to host Margaret Brennan, Kelly said that it was “shocking how deep we have gone” into U.S. weapons stockpiles during Trump’s war on Iran.
“Because this president got our country into this without a strategic goal, without a plan, without a timeline... because of that, we’ve expended a lot of munitions. And that means the American people are less safe,” Kelly said.
The Daily Beast points to a tweet from Washington Post military reporter Dan Lamothe, who explained that “the comments from Kelly that Hegseth is claiming are an issue do not address specific munition numbers. That's generally where classification comes into play. No sign of that here.”
We understand why Hegseth might be confused about what is and what isn’t classified. He doesn’t have much grown-up big boy job experience, especially regarding military or government matters.
Of course, it’s entirely possible Hegseth just completely forgot that public hearing last week. Maybe it’s blacked out of his memory, for some reason.
In extremely related news, Whiskeydick was in another court last week, trying to get permission to punish Kelly, and two of the judges on that three-judge appeals panel clearly signaled that they are well aware Whiskeydick is full of shit, and that Mark Kelly did not do anything resembling sedition when he reminded troops they have a duty to defy orders to commit illegal war crimes.
This is the appeals court they’re begging to overturn the judge’s ruling we alluded to earlier. In other words, that case is reaching the end of the line.
So there are a lot of reasons for Hegseth to be feeling humiliated right now, on top of all the usual ones.
Here’s that video of Kelly humiliating Hegseth about how fucking hard he’s losing this war, in case it’s still not ringing a bell:
And here’s that SNL cold open, it’s about Hegseth, Ka$h [hic!] Patel and Supreme Court Justice Partisan Hack Brett “Beer Pong” Kavanaugh.
You know that thing when a person gets so drunk and then the next day people show them videos of what they did last night?
Don’t know why we just thought of that.
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Hegseth appears to be getting greasier.
*stamp* *flounce*