President Trump's Daily Intel Briefing On Situation In Minnesota

Highly classified, but leaked to your Wonkette.

ICE agents, all day, every day.

“In MN, the insurrectionists are confronting our officers on the street. They’re being arrested. This is a natl security priority. Arrests of insurrectionists are made every day, and each provide us an opportunity to learn about the network from a law enforcement & natl security standpoint.” — Stephen Miller to The Charlie Kirk Show, 1/15/2026

Mr. President, our actions in Minneapolis are yielding a wealth of information about the networks that are training and supporting the insurrectionists. It really is a widespread conspiracy of leftist organizations that are driving them into the streets to confront our brave ICE officers.

But we are pushing back very powerfully, sir. We successfully infiltrated and destroyed the Edina Hockey Moms Facebook group, which had become a locus of planning operations to deliver groceries to dark-skinned neighbors too terrified of our agents to leave their houses. Unfortunately, we think the group may have reconstituted as a Discord chat, but we have no doubt our signals intelligence group will be able to track down and destroy this new threat.

Sir, we have also inserted our agents at local Starbucks here, here, and here. So far, we have uncovered a group of several Midwestern grandmothers gathering to plot vicious raids under the guise of knitting scarves for protesters. Our brilliant cryptologists have managed to partly decode their conversations. We believe yarn is code for illegal criminal aliens. Purling means that an insurrectionist is planning on pouring water on the street in front of our detention facility so that our vehicles will spin out at 5 miles per hour and likely kill us. Weft, we believe, is a fat joke about some of our agents.

We’re still working on the rest of the code, though we are fairly sure niddy noddy is either gibberish to throw us off the trail, or some strange Minnesota term for sex. The NSA promises to have more information on that by Monday.

Either way, we recommend ICE field agents go on super-high alert for attacks involving grandmothers armed with soft Merino. Though we have only uncovered this one knitting group, we believe such cells are operating all throughout the greater Twin Cities area. Unfortunately, almost all the Starbucks are now closed because the employees are too afraid to come to work, so we lost that source of intel.

Yes sir, these people are very nasty.

Yes sir, it was you who said the government should hire people who can crack codes that our enemies may use to communicate, and all of America is super grateful for that.

Get Right Out Of Our Faces With This 'The ICE Officer Had Internal Bleeding' Crap

Our counterintel guys have also been working on disrupting the insurgents’ whistle distribution networks. As we told you, Mr. President, the Behavioral Sciences folks at the Bureau think part of the reason our agents are behaving as violently and irrationally as they are, is the tone of whistles is rather shrill. Hauntingly piercing, you could say. As if sung from the shoals of Erin by the demonic Sirens themselves to lure all who hear it to their doom. This seems to have an aggravating effect on male agents.

Ha ha, yes, especially the married ones, sir. You should be hosting The Jimmy Kimmel Show, and not that un-American communist Democrat swine Jimmy Kimmel.

Sir, its title is The Jimmy Kimmel Show. No sir, I’m not calling it that because I can’t think of the correct name right now. I’m not saying it, like, “Whatever the Jimmy Kimmel show is really called.” Its title is literally The Jimmy Kimmel Show. Think of it like how your show was titled The Apprentice. If people couldn’t remember the title The Apprentice, they might just say “the Donald Trump show.”

Yes sir, I know no one could ever possibly forget the title. It’s a hypoth- ... Yes sir, I’ll call Bob Iger and ask him.

Lesbians Taunted ICE Goon, Smirked Even. And So He Killed One.

There are some other rumors we’re chasing down. You know that thing the insurrectionists are doing where they honk their car horns while following agents around? Our domestic intel team has assessed with high confidence that Minnesotans are secretly changing their horn sounds from a beep to a mariachi band playing “The Mexican Hat Dance.” Frankly, sir, everyone down at DHS is hoping desperately the guys are wrong on that one. If ICE guys hear that over and over all day, you’ll have to send in a full battle-strength division to deal with them.

Yes sir, your order that all agents in the field must wear MAGA hats with their camo goes into effect tomorrow. If I may say, Mr. President, that is truly a genius style choice. If we’re making the streets of Minneapolis safe from marauding bands of illegals, we should grab the opportunity to advertise.

It would be funny if some of the men wore the Trump 2028 hat instead of the MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN logo, you’re right, sir. I’ll get a message to our guys in the field.

Should The Government Be Able To Shoot People In The Face For Doing Free Speech?

There has been one setback. Oh no, Mr. President, nothing that anyone in this administration would ever blame on you. You’re the greatest leader the country has ever had. No, these setbacks only happen because someone woke probably failed you.

We sent an agent to infiltrate the Minnesota Moms Against ICE WhatsApp, where we believe many attacks have been planned. She was feeding us a good stream of intel. She was our source on getting all the agents spiked boots so they won’t keep slipping and falling like they’re remaking a Buster Keaton movie.

Yes sir, we have teams appropriating every pair they can find at every Dick’s Sporting Goods in a 100-mile radius.

Unfortunately, though, we have lost contact with the agent. Unconfirmed reports indicate she has been lured to the mothers’ side by a particularly tasty recipe for hot dish.

I’m afraid I can’t say more about her cough DEI hire cough cough but clearly she was not good at her job.

Yes sir. War is hell.

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