If you follow American politics closely, you may remember two minutes ago, when the most important question for serious journalists to ask Democrats was “How old were you when you gay married Hasan Piker on a bed of rose petals while reading Jeremiah Wright sermons to each other sexually?” If you were Dana Bash or Kristen Welker or Jake Tapper or Axios or whoever, this was the most important issue, and the only question you had for Democrats, even Democrats who had nothing to do with the Twitch streamer named Hasan Piker, who had never heard of him.
They had no similar questions for Republicans about their actual associations and money-taking from actual Nazis and trillionaire antisemites, because Beltway journalists and New York Times reporters know the DC party invites dry up during fascist administrations if they stop licking fascist balls for one second.
This doesn’t happen to them during Democratic administrations because if there is one thing that is true about American politics it is that Democrats are desperate for the media to think they’re cool, while the media is desperate for Republicans to think they’re cool. Like so, the pattern of abuse perpetuates itself. Maybe some of these new crop of Team Fight Democrats can break the cycle.
But two minutes ago, or last night, at the sold-out Trump Republican Midterm Convention (many tickets still available), Republicans revealed their secret weapon for the midterms, which changed everything, and it was a thirst trap of Hasan Piker’s willysmacker on the Jumbotron:
No for real:
Well OK then.
If at some point last night, you said “Alexa, what are all the ladies and gentlemen hate-masturbating to at the Republican convention in Dallas right now?” now you and Alexa have your answer. (Last night she was probably like “IDK, kids in concentration camps? Go ask Grok,” if she had an answer at all.)
Here is a video of Hasan Piker reacting to Republicans unleashing his hog:
Hey, do you guys remember when Hunter Biden’s penis? We remember when Hunter Biden’s penis. Stop looking for the verb in those sentences, Hunter Biden’s penis is all parts of speech.
So this is hilarious, and Christ, Republicans are so weird and unable to hide their bizarre psychosexual issues for even one fucking second. As you can see in the Piker livestream clip, this all happened during a scare montage about tHe rAdiCAl LeFt, and it was all communism! and China! and trans kids playing teeball! and then suddenly on the screen there was Hasan Piker in his underpants in a selfie he posted on Instagram.
This was supposed to prove … something? But what it really showed was that a really big part of what Republicans hate about Hasan Piker, what really grinds their gears, what they hate about Abdul El-Sayed, what they hate about Zohran Mamdani, Jon Ossoff, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, is that they are hot and Republicans really really really really really really really want to fuck them. And that makes Republicans seethe with rage and jealousy, and it makes them hate themselves even more than they usually do, which is a lot.
Weren’t we just recently discussing this, when Fox News’s Jesse Watters did a “hard-hitting” interview with El-Sayed where the only thing that was hard besides Al-Sayed’s abs seemed to be Jesse under his desk? Have you seen all the videos of Republicans and Fox News hosts leaving snail trails all over the studio every time they talk about these breathtakingly hot socialists? Click below!
Can you imagine being at the Republican convention last night, watching all those goobers cup their hands around their phone screens while they searched for “Hasan Piker bulge” so they could zoom and screengrab it for later without all their friends seeing the thing they were all doing?
Here is Georgia Republican Senate nominee Mike Collins loudly stating that “Jon Ossoff is right there with Hoss-Sawn Piker!” What, you mean the guy with the dick?
Yes, everything in the midterms changed two minutes ago.
Two minutes ago, every question for every Democrat was “WHAT ABOUT HASAN PIKER?” Now, with one thirst trap on one Jumbotron, Republicans have fully own-goaled themselves and defanged that entirely, to the point that the only appropriate response in the future to any questions about Hasan Piker is “Look Dana Bash, we can talk about Hasan Piker’s dick, or we can talk about solutions for the American people.”
Force Bash and other hacks like her to defend how important Hasan Piker’s jingle jangle really is.
In other news about night one of the two-night Republican convention in Dallas, John Fetterman’s blob face made a video cameo appearance, begging for new friends and drooling on Trump’s knob, now that most Democrats rightfully loathe him. It wasn’t the flex his broken brain or Republicans’ broken brains probably think it was. Maybe if they had shown his dick. (Oh God, yuck.)
During his very normal speech, Trump bribed the American people with $5,000 each if they vote for Republicans in the midterms such that Republicans retain control of Congress. He called it a “dividend.” Hmmmm, let’s see, 330 million Americans times $5,000 is NOPE, they don’t have that much money. But sure, Grandpa Dementia, we bet it sounded cool when Natalie suggested it.
Ag Secretary Brooke Rollins reminisced with fellow moms about the olden timey Biden days, when they had to be vaccinated to screw lightbulbs into the toilet.
And finally, here are some videos of South Carolina Republican Senator Tim Scott screaming “JeeeEeEEEEEEEEeeeezzzzzZZZZZZuUS!”
Tim Scott’s screaming for Jesus was unrelated to Hasan Piker’s cock pics.
Allegedly.
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Jokers. I promise if *I'm* elected, I'll pay every American one billion kajilian dollars each. Top that!
Okay, Tim Scott's performance, I will say this which I said to a friend at a a professional development speaker event: "There is nothing worse than a Black person acting like they are in black face for a crowd of white people."