Sounds Like Trump Prefers Running Mates Who Didn't Shoot Their Puppies In The Face
One shot Kristi Noem seems to have missed.
Ever since South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem, a Republican obviously, own goaled herself by breaking the news — in her own book, voluntarily — that sometimes when a dog or a goat looks at her funny, she teaches it a lesson by ending its life, there have been those who want to claim that we are all playing into Noem’s hands, giving her the publicity for her book she craves, elevating her. All publicity is good publicity, these people remind us. She’s catering to an audience (Donald Trump) that hates dogs. She’s trying to appeal to MAGA voters, who feel sneered at by big city libs who don’t understand the hard stuff God-fearin’ country folk gots to do sometimes.
Like when they murder their 14-month-old dogs for wagging their tails too much on a weekend hunting trip or whatever.
You woke cosmo-drinking city dwellers just don’t understand, these rugged folk (LOL) insist.
But no, we think that’s wrong. This is a country full of Boomers of all political stripes, and also other age groups, who relentlessly send each other animal videos all day, who make pictures from dog rescues go viral on Facebook, who routinely adopt dogs across state lines, who just in general love dogs, and who really despise people who are cruel to them. More than half of Americans have dogs. As Paul Waldman suggests, this hits differently from that time Joni Ernst spent a year campaigning in her hog-castratin’ suit. It’s easily so much worse than Mitt Romney driving cross-country with his dog on the roof of the car.
And city and country mice alike know that there are about 100 options Noem could have pursued if sweet Cricket was a handful, none of which involved assassinating her.
No, we’re not playing into Noem’s hands. Not when such a diverse group of History’s Greatest Monsters as Laura Loomer and Megyn Kelly and Catturd all agree with us that Noem is CHRIST, what an asshole.
And if this was all Noem’s grand ploy to be Trump’s running mate, then good try, bro, but no, according to the New York Post. Their sources say she now has “no shot,” ha ha, we see what they did there.
Trump’s people were reportedly “bewildered” by the story. “She was already unlikely to be picked as VP, but had a shot,” said their source. “After this, it’s just impossible.”
Yes, even though Trump is a sicko who doesn’t like dogs:
“Trump isn’t a dog person necessarily,” this person said, “but I think he understands that you can’t choose a puppy killer as your pick, for blatantly obvious reasons.”
A second source told The Post that Trump “likes Kristi a lot,” but was “disappointed when hearing the ‘dog’ story.”
That is some faint praise right there. Even Donald Trump knows you can’t pick the puppy killer. It was a shame to hear about all the puppy murder.
No, we are not playing into Kristi Noem’s grand plans here.
Here is Judge Jeanine “Boxwine” Pirro on Fox News, History’s Sloshiest Monster, explaining what kind of political feat Noem has really pulled off here, the one where we all lay down our swords at least long enough to agree that Kristi Noem is a piece of shit:
Boxwine said:
“I have four rescues, and I have a puppy. I gotta tell you, you know what she’s done is, she’s sabotaged herself, whether or not it was to, you know, buttress what was coming down the road. She also managed to unite the Right and the Left. Because America — if nothing else, we are dog lovers.
“And don’t tell me you shot a puppy because it wasn’t used to hunting. You know, maybe you’re not a good teacher. Maybe there’s a problem. And this whole thing with the chickens, you know, were the chickens dead?
“Was your dog on their property? Should you have had your dog on a leash? Should your farm have been fenced? I could go on and on because I love dogs.”
And even if you don’t — maybe you are a cat person! — you understand that this is just not how civilized humans act. Yes, even rural hunters and farmers, who are actually pretty well-known Dog’s Best Friends.
In related news, Donald Trump Jr.’s romantic life partner Kimberly Guilfoyle just announced she has written a children’s book for Kirk Cameron’s printing house called The Princess & Her Pup, and part of the proceeds will go to help “abused and abandoned dogs and cats.”
Gonna hazard a wild guess the princess’s pup doesn’t go down in a hail of gunfire at the end.
In conclusion, here is a Stephen Colbert clip from last night where Kristi Noem joins the cast of “Bluey” and we are dying laughing all over again.
[New York Post / JoeMyGod / video via Decoding Fox News]
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OT: I have a major problem. I picked up a new coconut rum for this week's cocktail, with the idea of making a postmodern Painkiller. It's really, really good. It's so good I could cut a thin lime wedge, drop into the rum neat, call the cocktail done, and be satisfied. Oh, woe is me.
Kristi Noem is like a box of chocolates.
She'll kill your dog.