The Last Temptation Of Andrew Cuomo
Spoiler, it's racism!
Early voting has begun for Mayor of New York City! And the race is down to a three-way between the former ousted governor of New York Andrew Cuomo, running as an independent because voters already rejected him as the Democratic candidate; young upstart socialist Zohran Kwame Mamdani; and the Republican candidate, Curtis Sliwa, the Guardian Angels founder and inventor of fake crimes for himself and the Guardian Angels to solve.
Martin Scorsese could make a movie about the rise and fall of Andrew Cuomo, once New York’s most promising nepo baby. And Cuomo himself thinks that he should! But there’s no redemptive arc to Cuomo’s part of the story. He’s signed, sealed and delivered his soul to Donald Trump, one of the most despised men in New York City, and desperately doubled and tripled-down on vile racist attacks against Mamdani. And it does not seem to be working! Polls show him trailing by double digits.
Same old Cuomo! Like the entitled sex pest he is accused of being by more than a dozen women, he seems to have expected to waltz in and be given what he considers his due. But voters in the primary told him no, which seems to have just made him outraged that the ignorant peasants dare deny him. And instead of tooting his own whatevers, he has focused all his energy flinging every bit of pasta at the wall at Mamdani he can grab, and complaining about how terrible the city is. And he has been getting PANTSED.
Cuomo may be losing, but his PACs have raised four times as much money as Mamdani’s. As long as his dozens of billionaire donors keep writing checks to his PACs, Cuomo’s not going to give up!
The 67-year-old guy who looks too feeble to stoop and pick up a pencil off the ground accused Mamdani of being “too tired” to run the city. He’s hollered that Mamdani is not experienced enough. He’s lied about Mamdani’s rent-stabilized apartment and claimed he stole his apartment from a homeless single mother. Cuomo has accused him of trying to “stoke the flames of hatred against Jewish people,” which is funny from a guy who once referred to Jews celebrating sukkot as “These people and their fucking tree houses.” Cuomo has claimed that Mamdani was “an offender” who was trying to “play victim.” More projection than the Angelika Film Center!
And Cuomo just can’t stop mispronouncing his name as MAN-dami, a la Trump and Camel-uh.
Foreign names, so funny and hard.
And the lout who had not lived in the city since the ‘90s, until he moved into a Sutton Place condo right before his mayoral bid, got on Fox Business with the gall to opine Mamdani “just doesn’t understand the New York culture, the New York values,” because he was born in Uganda.
And as desperate and racist New York politicians are wont to do, Cuomo invoked 9/11, claiming Mamdani, who was 9 years old and living in New York at the time, does not understand “what 9/11 meant.” And he went even farther, laughing along with radio host Sid Rosenberg, who has previously called Mamdani an “animal” and a “jihadist,” when Rosenberg said Mamdani would be “cheering” at “another 9/11.” Andrew Cuomo just sat and laughed at balls-out bigotry right in his face.
Cuomo’s also accused Mamdani of LYING when he said his aunt was afraid to wear her hijab on the subway immediately after 9/11. Lying that Mamdani’s aunt was afraid of the same guilt-by-association that Cuomo is so desperately hoping will stick to Mamdani! Just, the balls, what else can you say? The stugots!
Mamdani was born in Uganda, you see, so he is practically the baby of Idi Amin and Osama bin Laden, but he is also a private school-type priss. Unlike Andrew, son of Mario, who would never stoop to running on some kinda cheap identity politics! Fuggedabout that TikTok guy! And never mind that his policies as governor are what he’s complaining about now! Blame his former Lt. Gov. Kathy Hochul. Dames and skirts, amirite?
PREVIOUSLY!
And JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, lest you miss the message, Cuomo’s official X account posted, then quickly deleted, an insane, scorchingly racist AI ad depicting “criminals for Zohran Mamdani,” and Mamdani eating rice with his hands. Picture the most racist images you can, and that’s what the ad looks like.
Apparently Cuomo hates just about everybody but himself. And Trump! Never a discouraging word for that guy! As two old pervs from Queens, they’re mighty simpatico. Looks like Trump even lent him his AI PR machine, along with that MAGA influencer who tried to start Hot Girls for Cuomo but forgot to secure the URL, leading it to be snapped up by someone who redirected it to a list of Cuomo’s sex-pest accusations.
Mamdani responded classily to the gross AI thing: “In a city of world-class artists and production crew hunting for the next gig, Andrew Cuomo made a TV ad the same way he wrote his housing policy: with AI. Then again, maybe a fake Cuomo is better than the real one?”
And CRINGE, after perhaps perceiving he done fucked up, Cuomo went on Hot97 to try to position himself as a diversity-embracing Kumbaya kind of guy. Just, vomit.
That asshole-looking logo of his looks like it’s just waiting for Trump to fit in there. Free Wendy Williams, she may have been problematic, but she would never have smiled and nodded through that horseshit! Or even given that boring, moaning windbag a platform in the first place on any of her shows, for that matter.
Anyhoo, on Tuesday the voters of New York City will decide who will lead them! As a final enticement, Cuomo’s threatened that if the dumb peasants of New York don’t choose him, he will leave their shithole city at once and depart for Florida!
Remember when the Post used to hate Cuomo, like less than four months ago? Not any more.
Anything but FREE BUSES!! Heaven forbid the city not squeeze working people for every fucking $2.90 it can grab so billionaires get a deal on their taxes!
Let’s hope voters give Cuomo his wish, and he takes a bus out of town, free or otherwise, and the Gristede’s guy goes with him. We hear the Mar-a-Lago ladies are always up for a pussgrab from a divorced friend of Trump’s! Or at least that’s what Trump told Russ Vought.
Voter turnout has been surging in New York, so start your engines, Florida gals!
[New York Times gift link]
"I'm going to move to Florida if he wins." - Andrew Cuomo
Promises, promises...
I can’t express how much I’m enjoying watching him flailing and suffering.