The Year Trump Made The White House Resemble A Tacky Russian Whorehouse

Which we suppose makes sense in a way.

Remember this from Obama’s WHCA speech in 2011? Ha ha, we were so young and full of light and hope.

We feared a lot of stuff we suspected Donald Trump would do if he won re-election. The mass deportation schemes. Appointing the most unqualified gobshites imaginable to his Cabinet. Abandoning Ukraine, alienating Europe, and aligning America with the world’s dictators. Crippling the functioning of the federal government by taking a sledgehammer to it.

But taking a literal sledgehammer to the White House? We must admit, we did not see that coming. Even though Barack Obama, peace be upon him, warned us. Boy did he warn us.

And yet, Trump did just that in October when he ordered construction crews to tear down the building’s East Wing to make way for his monstrosity of a ballroom. There was no consultation with historians, preservationists, or Congress. There was little to no warning to the public, even though the White House belongs to the American people, not to Donald Trump.

The ballroom, by the way, is supposed to be 90,000 square feet, almost twice the size of the White House itself. The price tag keeps growing and now stands at $400 million. And all from private donors, allegedly. You know what this means? It means we don’t tax rich people nearly enough.

What was lost when the East Wing was turned into rubble? History, for one — the wing was built in 1902. The White House movie theater. The First Lady’s offices, not that we imagine Melania cares, since now she has even less reason to hang around.

Did you ever think you would see a time where the President of the United States went full Independence Day on the White House? No, you did not. Even in the War of 1812, James Madison didn’t set the building on fire to deny the British the propaganda victory of burning it themselves.

We suppose it’s a good thing Trump wasn’t president for the War of 1812. He’s given the entire nation of Canada enough reason to hate him, we don’t need to add an armed invasion to the pile of grievances.

The East Wing Of The White House Is Gone. Completely Obliterated. Sorry For Thinking It Matters.

Sure, Trump Tearing Down White House, But At Least Is Not Black Man With Feet On Resolute Desk

As metaphors go, “fascist president literally takes a wrecking ball to the White House” is so lazy that not even the hackiest of Hollywood hacks would write it. The closest parallel we can think of is the Nazis nuking all of Washington DC in The Man in the High Castle. Maybe Trump and all the Nazis in his administration are saving that for 2026.

And just to add insult to injury, what did Trump do with the remains of this historic building? He sent it off to be used as filler in a local municipal golf course. Perhaps he expects us to be grateful because he didn’t appropriate it for one of his own golf courses instead.

Unfortunately, the ballroom is not the only aesthetic horror that has been visited on the White House in the last year. Trump also paved over Jackie Kennedy’s Rose Garden, turning it into the sort of generic patio you can find at any tech company headquarters or college campus in America. He put up portraits of every president along the outdoor portico that has been the site of a gazillion solemn walks with visiting dignitaries. He slapped the words “Presidential Walk of Fame” over it in shitty gold lettering. Under each portrait, he added plaques with synopses of that person’s presidency that read as if they were pulled from a PragerU course written by an illiterate monkey. Instead of a portrait of Joe Biden on this wall, he put up a picture of an autopen in a nod to one of his dumber obsessions.

East Wing To Be Turned Into Golf Court Filler. Oh, The Indignity.

Ha ha, we kid. All of his obsessions are dumb.

He also slapped gold lettering reading The Oval Office on the wall outside the Oval Office like he was labeling the clubhouse at one of his shitty golf clubs. The less said about what he’s done to the interior of the Oval Office, the better.

He has done the impossible and made us long for the relative classiness of Melania’s first-term Christmas decorations, which made the interior of the White House look like a haunted forest from which there is no escape. Which, come to think of it, is a good metaphor for the entire decade in America since Trump rode down that gold escalator.

If you need something hopeful to think about, there is this piece from Paul Waldman making the case for why we need to tear down every physical change Trump has made to the White House and any other building in DC, starting at 12:01 PM on January 20, 2029. And if we have to, we’ll prop Trump’s eyes open with toothpicks A Clockwork Orange style and make him watch.

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