Trump Demands DOJ Give Him $230 Million Prize For Getting Away With It
Sure why not, let's blow more taxpayer money up the clownfuck dictator's prolapsed asshole.
Let’s see, how is this week going?
If he’s gonna fuck a horse, that horse better have an extremely tiny butthole, otherwise it won’t work. (IYKYK, but you can find out the answer on this week’s South Park.)
But well yes! He’s tearing down the White House, he’s been diarrheaing on the country this week and every week since the day he fell out of his mother’s cursed womb, and yesterday news broke that Donald Trump is just sorta kinda casually demanding that his own Justice Department, which is run largely by beclowned “former” personal lawyers who are still just his fluffers, give him $230 million as a reward for getting away with all the millions of crimes he’s ever been investigated for.
And who knows! He might get it, ha ha, nothing matters, what Dumb Bitch Hitler wants, Dumb Bitch Hitler gets!
The New York Times reports that Trump has been demanding this restitution behind the scenes, both for the Russia Russia Russia investigation and for the thing where he stole state secrets from the United States and buried them in one of the ugly bathrooms at Mar-a-Lago.
Did Trump’s campaign collaborate with Russian spies and government agents in 2016? Oh hell yes, the Republican-led Senate Intelligence Committee, which was then run by Marco Rubio, wrote a far more damning report on that than Special Counsel Robert Mueller did, not that his was chopped liver.
As for the classified docs case, did Trump steal state secrets and then try to hide and conceal them, which led the FBI to come to his trash palace to get them back? Yes, and the only reason that case went away is that by chance it was assigned to the most bootlicking fucking twit MAGA judge this side of the Aryan Christian nationalist in Texas that all the anti-abortion ghouls are so hot for, and she dismissed it the second she felt froggy enough to do so.
But none of that matters, because Dumb Bitch Hitler is GREEDY and SCORNED and he will hurl ketchup at this wall 24/7 to remind people to please never stop bribing him and otherwise laundering money up his voluminous asshole.
Also he probably wants to buy OMB director and Project 2025 Christian nationalist sex stallion Russ Vought a nice jockstrap for Christmas, and wants to make sure his check doesn’t bounce.
The Times provides a bit more clarity on how exactly Trump is “demanding” this money. (Holding the waistband of his soiled underpants out as far as it will go and quietly grunting?) You see, he started asking for this money in 2023 and 2024, when he wasn’t president, like he was answering to get his piece of the asbestos class action:
Mr. Trump submitted complaints through an administrative claim process that often is the precursor to lawsuits. The first claim, lodged in late 2023, seeks damages for a number of purported violations of his rights, including the F.B.I. and special counsel investigation into Russian election tampering and possible connections to the 2016 Trump campaign, according to people familiar with the matter. […]
The second complaint, filed in the summer of 2024, accuses the F.B.I. of violating Mr. Trump’s privacy by searching Mar-a-Lago, his club and residence in Florida, in 2022 for classified documents. It also accuses the Justice Department of malicious prosecution in charging him with mishandling sensitive records after he left office.
Surprise, in that second one he’s accusing Merrick Garland, Chris Wray, and Jack Smith of ELECTION INTERFERENCE! and trying to steal the election from him, when in truth it was just three men prosecuting history’s greatest criminal for doing all those little things he does, which are 100 percent crimes.
Anyway, he just has reportedly continued to demand that money, even upon becoming Dumb Bitch Hitler, even though he admits it’s kinda weird that he’s the final decider on these things as Dumb Bitch Hitler, and even though it’s literally all his personal dicksuckers and asslickers who are in a position to approve it.
Some lying mouth DOJ spox told NBC News that “all officials at the Department of Justice follow the guidance of career ethics officials,” but don’t worry, the Times adds important context about Trump’s Department of Justice, which is run by people like Pam Bondi, Trump’s other (“former” LOL) personal attorney Todd Blanche, and others: “In July, Ms. Bondi fired the agency’s top ethics adviser.”
Yay, all clear!
Trump lied yesterday afternoon and said that any money he received from this process he would either “give to charity” or do something “wonderful” with, like more White House demolition. Specifically, he alluded to giving the money “to the White House while we restore the White House,” but we see what he is doing and we know he has the bad taste of a suburban dweller who buys a new-build McMansion with turrets because OOH DEM LOOK FANCY LIKE THEY GOT IN YURP! Also he is financing the White House demolition project with bribes, not sure how extorting taxpayer money from the Justice Department would count as, oh fuck it, you know what? Sure. Use it to buy 15-story gold-plated turrets for the White House, we don’t care anymore.
He just kept babbling about it, like the Grandpa McDementiaSundowner he is.
“I was damaged very greatly and any money I would get, I would give to charity.”
“And you know that decision would have to go across my desk, and it’s awfully strange to make a decision where I’m paying myself. In other words, did you ever have one of those cases where you have to decide how much you’re paying yourself in damages? But I was damaged very greatly, and any money that I would get I would give to charity,” he said.
“As far as all of the litigation, everything that’s going to go, yeah, they probably owe me a lot of money.”
“We’ll see what happens,” he said. “I guess they owe me a lot of money. I’m not looking for money. I’m looking for really, it’s got to be handled in the proper way. We don’t want it to happen again,” he said, before adding, “You have to ask the lawyers about that.”
You guys, it’s not about the money, it’s about the principles, said Donald Trump with a hose attached to his asshole so oligarch and corporate bribes can be funneled up in there more easy like.
In other news, Scott Bessent confirmed yesterday the US plans to give Argentina more taxpayer money during a government shutdown and a generally garbage Trump economy. Oh boy, that guy really loves getting spit-roasted by his two Dictator Daddies, doesn’t he? What a kink. Meanwhile, Official Russia’s Girlfriend DNI Tulsi Gabbard is currently running a KGB-style op out of her office — wonder where she picked that up — to go after Trump’s enemies, because there isn’t one righteous man or woman in his administration, they’re all traitors, liars, scumbags, and thieves.
Also still haven’t seen those motherfucking Epstein Files, though Kentucky Fried Pigfuck James Comer from the House Oversight Committee said yesterday all the bad stuff he’s seen in the evidence is about “Bill Clinton,” oh well, guess there’s only one way to verify that belching yokel’s assessment!
Having a front row seat to the self-inflicted collapse of history’s greatest superpower sure is weird.
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If it's not about the money, then why demand the money, you greedy, stunted goblin?
Please, dear GOD!!! WHERE IS THE FUCKING BLOOD CLOT when you NEED ONE??!?!!