Trump Made Up Fake Power Ranger Fairy Princess Rambo Barbie Job Just To Distract Kristi Noem
C'mon Kristi! You're going on a SECRET MISSION!
Donald Trump may be a senile dumbass who knows so little about literally every subject that he’s too stupid to even grasp what he doesn’t know. But he does have a certain degree of gut smarts, the kind that knows how to be a conman, the kind that knows how to bullshit, and he knows how to use those powers on people who are every bit as daft, conniving, grifty, power-hungry, and vain as he is. Sometimes he uses those powers like one uses a laser pointer to distract a cat.
When Trump fired Nazi Barbie Kristi Noem from the Department of Homeland Security, he made up a job for her. The title, if we remember correctly, was Mighty Morphin Elsa From Frozen Cowgirl Power Ranger Mr. Wonderful Wizard Of Oz Galinda Elphaba Davy Crockett Jesse James Calamity Jane Bonnie and Clyde Warrior Princess Medicine Woman the Vampire Slayer.
Many people, especially those with Trump Derangement Syndrome, said “No, that’s not a job.”
But oh yes it was, because Donald Trump, he who createth and destroyeth, who giveth and who taketh away, made it up for a very specific reason, namely to keep the baby distracted so she didn’t get excited about something like running for the Senate.
This report comes from PunchUp, a Daily Beast newsletter from veteran reporter Tom Latchem (paywall, that we paid, so that we might tell you things):
President Donald Trump invented a senior government role for Kristi Noem to stop her from running for a seat in the Senate this year, administration sources tell PunchUp,
The title of “Special Envoy for the Shield of the Americas”—announced on March 5 by Trump, 79, as he publicly fired Noem from her role as DHS secretary—was effectively fabricated to ensure she missed the filing deadline for the South Dakota Senate race and would thus be unable to challenge incumbent Sen. Mike Rounds, according to multiple sources.
“It was made up to keep her busy,” one source close to the administration told PunchUp of Noem’s new role. The source said the White House’s private view was that Noem had become so toxic it needed to “put her out to the glue factory”—and so invented an opening that kept her on the government payroll and off the ballot, but with no real power.
Oh no! One could say Trump was trying to take Kristi Noem to a gravel pit and shoot her like a common innocent puppy named Cricket!
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What’s amazing is that this clearly did distract her, if this reporting is correct. She’s so irredeemably vapid, craven, and narcissistic that it sounds like she was like “YES I WILL BE PRINCESS OF THE SHIELD!” and literally nobody in her life was willing to tell her that wasn’t a thing. Not her reported fuckhumping buddy Corey Lewandowski, and definitely not her husband, because he was at the balloon animal store trying on boobies that day, we bet.
The Trump regime people apparently were scared that she could pose a challenge to Mike Rounds in deep red South Dakota, and it’s not like team Trump is known for loyalty, especially to Republican senators, so it must be because they realized that if she beat him in a primary, she’s such a complete joke now that she could lose a Senate seat in the ruby red state where she used to be the governor.
There were whispers about this in Republican circles, reportedly. There was a deadline a-comin’. Quick, Trump, invent the Shield of the Americas and declare Kristi Noem its high priestess!
To secure a place on the primary ballot, Noem would have needed to collect 2,171 petition signatures and file them by 5 p.m. on March 31.
She had 26 days but no time, as she threw herself into her new job, with sources saying that Noem felt she had no choice but to show her willingness to toe the president’s line.
Latchem’s sources say Trump really threw that shit together. Made up an event at Trump National Doral, got whichever Latin American leaders were willing to hop on planes we guess for the sole purposes of honking horns and jangling keys to make Kristi Noem laugh and distract her until the filing deadline passed. Rubio was there, Secretary Shitfaced Hegseth, plus the leaders of Argentina, El Salvador, Bolivia, and Ecuador.
And then she got to go on a trip, around Latin America! Yay! And Corey CumAndBoneMe got to come with, and maybe he brought their humping blanket, and maybe they humped it in Spanish, and then …
The White House panicked as they realized Noem was treating the role as substantive rather than symbolic. “They didn’t expect her to take it so seriously,” the administration source said.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
So they had created a monster, one under the impression that it had been sent on a secret mission.
This is all … oh my God. They tried to unring the bell by having her report to one of Rubio’s underlings instead of Rubio himself. That guy, Deputy Secretary of State Chris Landau, “has now nuked the whole thing,” says Latchem’s source in the administration.
She tried to bring 10 staffers along to her fake job. Three have already been fired, from even more fake jobs. The ostensible reason for their firing from fake jobs? Because they were Lewandowski loyalists. But really, says Latchem?
The simpler reality, though, is that “there is no job” for them, according to PunchUp’s sources.
And now Kristi Noem will probably have to be Cricketed to death from her new (fake) job because oh boy, they really did not think she would be taking this so seriously, oh boy, this sure did get out of hand!
Well, if all else fails, she can always run for president. It’s not like it’s gonna be JD Vance.
OPEN THREAD!
[PunchUp]
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I have a very limited number of Baby Bear pictures and I have posted this before. But it is one of my favorite pics, he had just been rescued from the street and he was getting a taste of a true kitty treat. Cereal milk. The bowl was as big as he was!
I post this because I was needing it and figured other people might be feeling that too.
Bear was originally named Mittens for about 10 days, then he showed himself to be a Baby Bear, which was his second name. He would follow me everywhere and loved being picked up and held like a baby.
Then all that floof grew in and he became BEAR. Truly a fitting name for an amazing cat.
https://substack.com/@ziggywiggy/note/c-244025529?utm_source=notes-share-action&r=2knfuc
Here's an older photo of Smaug, just in case anyone needs something to make them smile today.
https://substack.com/profile/155629128-cakeswelike/note/c-244064436?r=2kno7c