Trump Stole Documents For His Sh*tter *For Financial Gain*?!
Him???
Just this week, during the course of conducting a review of Jack Smith’s efforts to prosecute Trump over that Mar-a-Lago stolen-documents-in-shitter episode, House Judiciary Democrats got their eyeballs on a thentofore-unseen memo written in 2023 by Jack Smith’s team. Remember all of that, so many seasons and scandals ago, the files stamped SECRET shoved behind shower curtains and spilling onto the bathroom floor, the boxes stacked on the stage in the public ballroom, the ones toted onto a plane by his lackeys bound for New Jersey, unsigned pardons commingled with magazines and newspaper clippings and such?
The new meat pullquote:
“Trump possessed classified documents pertinent to his business interests — establishing a motive for retaining them [...] We must have those documents.”
One of them was a “map,” and also other secrets so secret that Rep. Jamie Raskin of Maryland claims only six people on earth have ever been authorized to lay eyes upon them. Also the evidence of Trump trying to do a coverup in there is “damning.”
Trump, you traitorous pig! How many lives did this endanger??
And as we type, the shitter-secrets part of Smith’s report remain still under seal, permanently, maybe forever and ever, courtesy of human torpedo Judge Aileen Cannon. So many wonderful secrets and never-aging enigmas Dear Leader still holds, even as the most visible man on the planet! From those 3 million still-illegally-concealed Epstein Files he’s all over to who-knows-how-many thousands of pages of still-sealed legal detritus in the DOJ’s vault-files from the other 91 felonies he was once charged with, long ago in a land far, far away.
Financial gain?! Him, that humble everyman donating his salary? What a wild ride the old man’s finances and career have had, from inheriting a bundle to losing it all bankrupting six companies, while at the same time climbing to mainstream fame desperately scratching for any gig. Oprah and Howard Stern show guest, motivational author, horndog to teenaged modeling contestants, commentator for the National Enquirer, movie or TV cameo as himself, gameshow host … if it paid or peddled his brand out there, he’d take it.
And in 2016 he was elected president of the United States of America, but still on the verge of broke from then all the way to January 20, 2025, facing over the entire decade literally thousands of lawsuits with at least a 70 percent loss rate, and on the brink of having Trump Tower repossessed and renamed the Letitia James Center For Black Lady Excellence At Goosing Trump In The Taint. And some prison time for election-fraudy felonies was a real possibility too!
Now take a lounge on your Betty Draper fainting couch, pop open your fan, sip a sweet tea and just guess how much Forbes estimates Trump has become worth since January of ‘25. You won’t. You can’t. You shan’t! It is $7.3 BILLION US DOLLARS.
Sure, he’s always been a grifter.
Still, must admit, back in the day we’d speculated that maybe he had snatched stuff as souvenirs and been blabbing and showing classified documents off for other reasons than boring greed (though we always stipulated it was certainly boring greed). Like that he’s a pack ratty, braggy, gabby codger who wanted to show off his love letters from Kim Jong Un to busty gerontophiles browning by the pool. Immediately after his first election, Trump’s clubs all became thick with spies and foreigners seeking an ear.
Dok, at the time:
We’ll just assume that while they were kept at Mar-a-Lago for over a year, the sensitive documents may have just sat in storage. Or Trump might have been looking through them for dirt on his political enemies. Most likely, he just used them to build a little fort to hide in.
Later we found out that the documents were also stored in an unsecured room by the pool, where any old spy who happened to be around, Maltese dog and iPhone in hand, could pop by and browse through them like Andrew Lloyd Webber records at a garage sale.
That seemed to be the situation that went on for months, until Trump got a heads-up that the National Archives had noticed things missing and the FBI was real mad, so he got his Diet Coke lackey Waltine Nauta to make people move his boxes other places and got the groundskeeper to try to flood the security camera room in a ham-handed attempt to cover their tracks.
We’d learned that in July 2021, at his ex-wife cemetery and putting green at Bedminster, Trump had been bragging and waving around a classified document with secret plans to attack Iran.
SEE?
And we also knew Trump once yapped the US’s nuclear submarine top-secrets to Australian billionaire Anthony Pratt.
REFRESH!
On that incident, to quote ourselves quoting ABC News:
In those interviews, Pratt described how — looking to make conversation with Trump during a meeting at Mar-a-Lago in April 2021 — he brought up the American submarine fleet, which the two had discussed before, the sources told ABC News.
Just small talk. Locker room talk, really. About nuclear subs.
“According to Pratt’s account, as described by the sources, Pratt told Trump he believed Australia should start buying its submarines from the United States, to which an excited Trump — ‘leaning’ toward Pratt as if to be discreet — then told Pratt two pieces of information about U.S. submarines: the supposed exact number of nuclear warheads they routinely carry, and exactly how close they supposedly can get to a Russian submarine without being detected.”
GOD FUCKING CHRIST JESUS WHAT THE JESUS GOD DAMN FUCK GOD JESUS.
Pratt is a bit of a Blabbering Beauregard himself, it sounds like. Because he discreetly leaned in real close to 45 people and told them about it, maybe more. We’re sure they’re all cool, though.
In emails and conversations after meeting with Trump, Pratt described Trump’s remarks to at least 45 others, including six journalists, 11 of his company’s employees, 10 Australian officials, and three former Australian prime ministers, the sources told ABC News.
ABC News reports that a former Mar-a-Lago employee told investigators that Pratt started gossiping to somebody else about what Trump had told him “within minutes” of their meeting. It freaked the former Mar-a-Lago employee out to realize that Trump had just told all these things to somebody who wasn’t even an American.
While Pratt told investigators he couldn’t tell if what Trump said about U.S. submarines was real or just bluster, investigators nevertheless asked Pratt not to repeat the numbers that Trump allegedly told him, suggesting the information could be too sensitive to relay further, ABC News was told.
End self-quote-quotes!
And then two years after that, we found out that there were STILL MORE stolen American secrets that Trump, still then not yet again the president, was harboring. How much obstruction did he do over stealing OUR secrets that OUR tax dollars paid to obtain and protect? Like, all the obstruction, in evident ways that other non-Aileen-Cannon judges, like Beryl Howell, said were likely crimes. Trump, she said, even hid evidence from his own lawyers!
REMEMBER WHEN?
So there may be the answer we were all waiting for, in plain sight: He did it for the money. We had, of course, considered the money, and that Mar-a-Lago functioned like a Costco where white-glove members like Miles Guo could browse for secrets in between old newspaper and toenail clippings, while mingling and sipping cocktails with other like-minded operators and looky-loos. But was there another, more direct pricing structure for the juicier, superduper-extra-secret-er secrets? Did the DOJ have evidence that some foreign government was about to take Trump up on some offer?
What would be in it for then-former president Trump to pass nuclear submarine secrets to an Australian billionaire? At that point in time the Australian government/Five Eyes/NATO would surely already have a gist about whatever weapons the US might own or sell. To do Pratt a favor, though, with forbidden insider intel Trump could later leverage for loyalty? Attempted failed shit test to establish a backchannel with some mutual sin, Jeffrey Epstein style?
Was Trump selling plans to a foreign government, if so, which? So many world leaders visited him there both when he was in and out of office, including Xi Jinping, Viktor Orbán, and Benjamin Netanyahu. If Trump stole it, whatever it was, they surely all overheard the juicy bits getting gossiped about between urinal dividers.
Also in this new nugget about the superdupersecret six-eye-sets-only map, we and Congress also learned that “Susan Wiles, the CEO of Trump’s Super PAC, was aboard that flight and witnessed this event.”
No shocker there! Remember Wiles was the consigliere who rang up Waltine Nauta over Signal while the FBI was sniffing around looking for our documents to ask him if the handyman Carlos De Oliveira — assigned to get rid of Mar-a-Lago’s security camera footage showing workers ferreting away boxes for Bedminster and the shitter by hell or high water — was “good,” meaning “loyal.” Wiles has always been the hen nesting under his throne, clucking and egging on aggressive attacks in between cooing about her admiration for the rooster indiscriminately shitting from the level above. Wiles is his Roy Cohn and Catherine Scorsese in one, sharp yet radiating maternal warmth and upscale-Grandma coastal-cottage Yankee-candle-core.
Will we ever find out the whos and whats of the many holes in that story? Jack Smith Part II? Surely never all the secret obstructions and Locker Room talk, Pam Bondi and Kash Patel have surely been busily shredding away at every Trump-incriminating page, bit and byte they can grab.
But, sometimes a fatberg gets so big it leak-busts open a pipe, and then everybody gets to see the shape of an old dirty diaper floating by. And you must look, even though you already know what you’re going to see, and that you’re going to retch.
[Washington Post gift link / ProPublica / Courthouse News Service]
The saddest thing is he will die and NEVER fucking pay a price for his TREASON. We will be paying it for the rest of our lives but he has NEVER and will NEVER pay a price for anything. Yeah, I realize I'm Eeyore this morning.
Every day I'm amazed at how scared people are of this asshole. It's unAmerican.