Trump Trials: Closing Arguments Day!
The trial's longest day, with Robert De Niro, all the smoking guns, and one beat horse.
Donald J. Trump, a former president of the United States, returned to court Tuesday after spending a long Memorial Day weekend solemnly honoring the sacrifices of brave fallen soldiers, flipping burgers on the grill for his loving children, and exchanging meaningful glances with his adoring wife Melania while she put out bowls of onion dip.
Hyuk! Nah, he praised a couple of drill rappers who’ve been charged with using pig latin to conspire to murder rival gang members in the Bronx, got booed by the Libertarians, hugged Richard Petty at the NASCAR Coca-Cola 600 race, and lustily complained MEAN UNFAIR BRAGG WITCH HUNT E. JEAN CARROLL’S “DRESS” SHOWED NEGATIVE, ALISON COOPER! Being a chaos machine is the only way he has to get headlines and stay relevant, and if that means bringing up cumstains, well, that’s just what he’ll do!
But the weekend whizzed by and Tuesday came quick! Closing arguments day, the apex for that predator. It was a long-ass day, from 9:30 a.m. until a little after 8 p.m., but finally, there we fucking have it. Ten a.m. Wednesday morning (like right now), the jury is getting instructions, and then they’ll hole up until they grind out some kind of verdict or non-verdict, one way or the other. Will that miscreant finally earn the title of “felon,” maybe even before the end of the week? Could one or more intimidated or MAGA jurors monkeywrench the whole thing and hang the jury? Suspense!
So who showed up Tuesday to support old Poppy at his dance recital? Not Melania or Ivanka, but Junior, Eric, Lara and surprise! Tiffany, the baby Poppy made while he was cheating on Ivana with Marla. Guess she’s over dad calling her fat.
There were shouty pro-Trump protestors, who hollered at the press, “kill all media!” and “we’ll eradicate all of you!” and “Fuck Joe Biden!” before running off to get into fistfights with each other in the park across the street.
And whoa, Robert De Niro! Travis Bickle, Max Cady, the Deer Hunter, a man so beloved in New York that Nobu lets him order carryout martinis, there in the flesh. He’s in a new Biden ad, and showed up in front of the courthouse flanked by Capitol Police heroes Harry Dunn and Michael Fanone. The Raging Bull warned, “Donald Trump wants to destroy not only the city, but the country, and eventually he can destroy the world,” and called him a “two-bit hustler,” “wannabe playboy,” “a loser,” and “a clown.”
“We’ve forgotten the lessons of history that showed us other clowns who weren’t taken seriously until they became vicious dictators. If Trump returns to the White House, you can kiss these freedoms goodbye that we all take for granted. And elections — fuggedaboutit.”
De Niro even got all “are you tawkin tah me?!” when Trump supporters screamed “TRAITOR” at Dunn and Fanone. “These heroes put their lives on the line for these lowlifes, for Trump! They fought FOR YOU, buddy, FOR YOU!” You tell ‘em, Bob! He even shouted at them on the way out to take their dumb hats off.
The right-wing complain-o-sphere was super mad that such a sexy senior citizen was on the scene stealing their attention, and collectively decided that De Niro is a pedophile and The Irishman was a bad movie. Jason “Abortion Smoothie” Miller, who couldn’t win last place at a beauty contest of dogs’ assholes, was so triggered he puffed up like a fugu fish to call the guy who’s won Oscars “washed up.”
Any sage words from the defendant before he took the fart seat? “I have a gag order, I’m not allowed to speak, it’s a first, no president has not been allowed to speak,” he spoke.
He rattled his totemic paper-stack and moaned, “Jonathan Turley [said], a classic closing pitch by the lawyers is to use a physical object like a three-legged stool. If any three-legged stool is missing, and any leg is missing, the stool absolutely collapses. Even a cursory review of the evidence shows that this case does not have a leg to stand on. This is a case without a leg to stand on.”
No stool, no leg, no case! If you can’t sit, you must acquit!
Eric and Junior’s remora mouths screamed some words too, then it was back to court, and Crying Little Shit Todd Blanche summing up the defense case.
Short version, Trump says he didn’t have sex with that woman, and if he did, then the NDA wasn’t illegal, and if it was, Michael Cohen did it. And if Michael Cohen didn’t do it, maybe it was the fault of QuickBooks or whoever designed accounting software drop-down menus that force a person to pick “legal expense” instead of PERSONAL RETAINER REIMBURSEMENT PEENER PAYMENT FOR STORMY DANIELS THAT NOBODY HAS TO TELL THE FEC ABOUT. Look, who are you gonna believe, Trump or your lyin’ eyes and ears?
Todd’s Tuesday lawyerin’ style was “wad of chewing gum stuck in your hair.”
Settlements, they’re totally cool, no big deal! “AMI had been doing that for President Trump since the 1990s. They purchased stories for Tiger Woods and Mark Wahlberg. Many politicians work with the media to promote their image.”
Marky Mark wasn’t running for office though, and hold up, did he do something else besides robbing and assaulting Vietnamese guys? Guess we’ll never know.
Todd confusingly yet helpfully made prosecutor’s case for them, again, with a third theory, that Cohen just stole all that money, though it was also a retainer, or a reimbursement, or something:
“[Michael Cohen is] asking you to believe he was just going to work for free. Do you believe that for a second? That after getting stiffed on his bonus in 2016 when he thought he had worked so hard, do you think Mr. Cohen thought, ‘I’m going to work for free.’ Is that the man that testified, or is that a lie? The idea that President Trump would agree to pay Cohen $420,000 is absurd.”
Well, yeah. Todd blathered on, kicking dirt where he could and stomping around to make mud. It wasn’t an illegal payment because there was a 1099 and it was reported to the IRS. And maybe in that damning recording where Trump says “check,” he meant, “check with my people,” not write a check? Stormy Daniels lied about being threatened, for money! Everybody’s just lying on that poor sucker Donald Trump, the only honest man in town, stealing his money and trying to extort him. There’s no evidence Trump knew about any agreement! The prosecution only brought Stormy to court to embarrass Trump. (Er, why would it do that, if he never had sex with that woman and never even met her, and she’s a criminal extortionist?)
And hey, that “Access Hollywood” tape, well, Todd’s sure that was just no big deal. “It was not a doomsday event. He never thought it was going to cause him to lose the campaign, and indeed it didn’t.” Hope Hicks must’ve just hallucinated it all, like Pam Ewing.
Oh, how that pussygrabbin’ tape should have made him lose. How so many things should have. BUT HER EMAILS! Fucking Comey. Hope that “thank you dinner” he went to for David Pecker at Trump Tower gave him volcano shits.
Todd did come up with something he thought is clever: “You’ve heard of GOAT, Greatest of All Time? They say, Tom Brady is the GOAT. Michael Cohen is the GLOAT, Greatest Liar of All Time!” You’re in New York, Todd. These people hate Tom Brady as much as Gisele does.
Todd was mostly, again, sooo mad at Michael Cohen, and mostly ignoring the mountains of everything else. “Then he came in here, he raised his right hand and he lied to each of you repeatedly. You cannot send someone to prison, you cannot convict somebody based upon the words of Michael Cohen."
That got a big objection, a tongue-lashing from Justice Merchan and a statement to the jury: If there’s a guilty verdict, the judge is the only Juan imposing sentences around here.
Todd ended up with a 10-point Amazon wish list he hopes the jury will shop from:
Michael Cohen created the invoices.
There's no evidence Trump knew the invoices were sent.
There was no evidence of any intent to defraud.
There was no attempt to commit or conceal another crime.
There was no agreement to influence the 2016 election.
AMI would have run the doorman's story no matter what, if it was true.
Karen McDougal did not want her story published.
Stormy Daniels's story was already public in 2011.
There was manipulation of evidence. We have caught them!!
Michael Cohen, "He's the human embodiment of reasonable doubt." Cohen says perjuries!!
Nothing Todd had to say seemed very persuasive that all this payoff activity was just normal politicians and lawyers doing normal politician and law stuff, but we are biased media shills. The performance was at least enough to keep Trump awake the entire morning, though the Trump children reportedly mostly twiddled with their phones.
Here Comes Joshua Steinglass!
After lunch, prosecutor Joshua Steinglass rode up and shredded Todd’s bullshit, piece by piece, for nearly five hours, chapter and verse, and made it rain pull quotes for the media overflow room.
The TL;DR: Steinglass kicked Trump in the nuts again and again, with all the FAKE NEWS ILLEGAL ELECTION INTERFERENCE. It was a massive amount of time for anyone to sit and pay attention to anything, but still only like 15 minutes per day to sum up testimony and evidence, of which there was an assload, all pointing directly at the same cheaty porn peener, the only person who benefited from this scheme.
It’s tough to pick just a few of the many Steinglass kicks in the dentures, but if you’re wondering if he got around to pointing out X, you can be sure that he did. Here’s “Chicken Soup for The Trump-Hating Soul” with some select quotes and thoughts to ponder (quotes as correct as they can be culled from Twitter sources; transcript will be out tonight):
“A false notion is that Stormy Daniels was trying to extort Trump and trying to go public, but that is not reality. [Daniels’s manager Gina] Rodriguez reached out to Dylan Howard first, she did not reach out to Michael Cohen. In the end it doesn't really matter, because you don't get to commit election fraud or falsify your business records because you think you’ve been victimized. Extortion is not a defense to falsifying business records.”
“Cohen was the buffer, the guy on the ground who could bully. He was a way for the defendant to maintain plausible deniability, or here, implausible deniability. We didn't pick Cohen up at the witness store. Mr. Trump picked him.”
Mm hm. And why was Cohen so mad at Trump? Well:
“The defendant has escaped justice. Cohen was his right hand man, HIS CONSIGLIERE. And he cut him loose like a HOT POTATO.”
“Pecker got a non-prosecution agreement, [Dylan] Howard’s in Australia, and the defendant, up until now, has escaped justice.”
“All the while, the election law violations to which Cohen pleaded guilty were committed at the defendant’s direction. Anyone in Cohen's shoes would want the defendant held accountable.”
Fuck yeah they would!
“The defense urges you to reject Cohen’s testimony because he was seeking a benefit, but he never got his sentence reduced and he's still here providing information about what went down.”
Damn straight! Good point!
“In the simplest of terms, Stormy Daniels is the motive. Trump would not pay $260,000 to suppress a photo of someone on a golf course.”
PREACH!
“It certainly is true you don't have to prove that the sex took place, as that’s not an element of the crime, but the defendant knew what happened, and that just reinforces the incentive to buy her silence.”
And,
“If [Stormy Daniels’s] testimony were so irrelevant, why did they work so hard to discredit her?”
Right?
“Hope Hicks, Graff, Westerhout, McConney, and Tarasoff: These people like the defendant, but each one provides critical pieces of the puzzle, building blocks. Keep in mind Mr. Pecker has no reason to lie, no bias towards the defendant, and thinks Mr. Trump is still a friend and a mentor.”
“They’re denying $420,000 was a reimbursement at all, but if that’s true, then there was no theft because Cohen was getting paid for legal services. [...] So they can call him a thief, or claim this is not really a reimbursement, but not both.”
Yeah, how can someone steal a reimbursement, TODD?
Regarding the Red Finch money:
“They say Cohen stole from the Trump Org when he and Allen Weisselberg were working out the reimbursement. Red Finch was being used to rig a CNBC online poll to make the defendant seem more popular. Then CNBC pulled that poll, and Trump decided not to pay the bill, like he often does.”
Two, two, two oofs in one!
“Trump uses lies Cohen told to Congress on Trump's behalf to say you cannot believe him. That's what some may call ‘chutzpah.’”
“Blanche says NDAs are legal, true enough. But contracts are in and of themselves legal too, but not if you take out a contract to kill your wife. If you have an NDA for a contract for an illegal purpose, it is not legal.”
“Once AMI purchased stories on the candidate's behalf, those purchases became unlawful campaign contributions.”
“This case is not about Michael Cohen, it is about Donald Trump and false records in HIS business records. Cohen is a tour guide. You don't need him to connect the dots, but as the ultimate insider he can help you do just that: Like all fixers, Cohen knew where the bodies were buried. Roll up your sleeves and get into those documents.”
Suit up and hop into the sewer, kids!
“Here is the Washington Post's email to the campaign about the ‘Access Hollywood’ tape. Hope Hicks told you the consensus was this was a crisis. Could it be spun as locker room talk? This somewhat mealy-mouthed excuse, that it was locker room banter, didn't work. So the defendant did a video: ‘Bill Clinton has actually abused women. See you at the debate.’ He also portrayed Hilary Clinton as an enabler.”
Oh, to see Trump’s face when Billary came up! That sure was something you heard in the ‘90s all the time, that Bill’s cheating was Hillary’s fault, for not sexing him up enough or something. Guess that no one blaming Melania for her husband cheating on her while she was home with an infant is some kind of feminist progress?
“The defendant could let his wife sign checks. He could have set up auto-pay. But Mr. Trump wanted to retain control.”
Allen Weisselberg "disguised the reimbursement as income so that means Cohen will have to pay tax. These documents are so damning, you almost have to laugh at the way Mr. Blanche tries to explain to you that this wasn’t fraud.”
Yeah, kind of funny all right, scrawling the whole fraud plan on Trump stationery and Cohen’s bank statements. Fraudy fraud fraud, with the peening and the paying and the election interfering. What other explanation could there possibly be, in even the wildest of imaginations?
Concluded Steinglass, “All roads lead to former president Donald Trump. You the jury can hold him accountable. Very soon it will be time to go deliberate and then come back in here and say Guilty, 34 times.”
Please, we can only get so excited! Whatever happens, you can’t say that the prosecution fumbled. They put everything out there with all they had. Did the jury see everything that we did? We can only wait and find out! Don’t let us down, New York!
Like the other "The Longest Day," this one would have been greatly improved by Red Buttons observing the action while hanging by his parachute harness from a church steeple.
Wow, what a great read. Good job Marcie!