Tucker Carlson Mauled
By demon. In bed.
Yesterday, a very funny thing happened on Elon Musk’s hellsite, proving that there’s still some husk of something left for when Elon fails/is imprisoned for some hilarious reason and has to sell it off.
You have to click through to see that it wasn’t just us and Ben Collins who bought The Onion. It was a Russian nesting doll of people tweeting those exact words verbatim, all different paths doing the same thing, leading to the original, which was from Mr. Primitive Root Wiener himself, weird gross Rod Dreher, that eternally divorced Christian creeper bootlicker, the one who absconded to Hungary for all night fascist parties with fascists, who probably gets erections in his pubic hair, dunno why, it just seems like something weird he would do, just like one of those static electricity balls that make his hair stand up straight, except it’s just his pubes standing at attention when he sees something sexy.
Hahahahahaha it’s a Halloween miracle!
There is a clip, and it is on the “Christianities?” YouTube page, and it is Tucker telling the very real and true story of the night a demon mauled him, but don’t worry he got better.
Let us find out what happened to Tucker Carlson that night, with the demon, in bed.
“Oh yeah,” this thing happened to Tucker, said Tucker, seriously. He went on:
“In my bed at night, and I got attacked while I was asleep with my wife and four dogs in the bed and mauled …”
Mauled? By his wife and his dogs? No, by demon.
“Physically mauled. Yeah, by a demon. Or by something unseen that left claw marks on my sides …”
This is what happens when you and your “demon” forget to set up a safe word.
“Oh they’re still there. Yeah yeah. Year and a half ago.”
Tucker still has demon scars on his Tucker body.
Was Tucker’s wife scared? asked whatever douchebag was interviewing Tucker and listening to his wink wink demon story. Was Tucker scared?
“I wasn’t. I was totally confused. I woke up and I couldn’t breathe …”
Wait, he woke up?
Now, we know what you are thinking. That this sounds like textbook sleep paralysis. That the marks on him could very well have come from himself, or even better, perhaps some of the dogs in bed with him, who might have sensed that a demon was attacking Daddy and wanted to help either Daddy or the demon, we don’t know his dogs’ true feelings.
Maybe he got the marks somewhere else, in some extremely stupid way, or in a way he doesn’t want us to know about.
Maybe he’s lying about having the marks at all.
But he says he woke up, went outside, walked around, and when he came back, his wife and dogs hadn’t even awakened, so … DEMON!
He said his wife and his dogs are very light sleepers, so … CONSIDERATE DEMON, CAREFUL ONLY TO BOTHER PERSON IT IS CURRENTLY HAUNTING!
This also means Tucker did not have a seven-way demon-mauling with his wife and four dogs. Allegedly.
“And then I had these terrible pains on my ribcage and on my shoulder, and I was just in my boxer shorts … “
Demon got ‘im while he was in his underpants, WHAT A GOOF.
“… and I went and flipped on the light in the bathroom, and I had four claw marks on either side, underneath my arms, and on my left shoulder, and they’re bleeding …”
Oh no, demon did armpit claws!
Tucker said it couldn’t have been him what made the claw marks. He sleeps on his side and besides, he doesn’t have long nails, and the claw marks didn’t even fit his hand shape. The next morning he says he thought it was the weirdest dream he’d ever had, “but then I saw blood on my sheets.” OK.
The second half of the clip is not as funny. Tucker starts blabbing about how he didn’t come from a religious background where they talked about getting clawfucked by demons in the dead of night — he’s Episcopalian — and so he had to ask an evangelical Christian assistant about it, and they were like oh yeah, happens to everybody.
When he recounted the assistant telling him that, he did that high-pitched No Puberty laugh he does:
(Sidenote: If you go to Dreher’s tweet, you will witness some of the weirdest bozo lunatic evangelicals and conservative Catholics in the replies explaining how Tucker needs to get away from those Episcopalians and find some real religion, where they understand about demons who play “Never Have I Ever” in godly Christians’ underpants at night.)
In the end, the experience caused Tucker to read the whole Bible and then he read the Bible some more. He didn’t want to talk to any Christian pastors about it, because he doesn’t like or trust them. (Whoa! And that was the day we found out we had something meaningful in common with Tucker Carlson.)
He says he knows it was a demon what did that to him, no question about it, nothin’. He doesn’t think he’s an expert on these things now, it’s just that this was his demon, and it did that.
Weirdest wet dream ever.
The end.
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"Honey, I battled a demon again last night. This time he painted my nails, put mascara on me and left me in the woods in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform."