It has always been entirely reasonable to assume that if Donald Trump does something absolutely insane, it may be because he didn’t have a babysitter. Inviting all the Nazis to Mar-a-Lago for dinner a few years back? He sure got some babysitters afterward!
(That’s right, Donald Trump eats dinner with Nazis, but please tell us more about how Zohran Mamdani and Abdul El-Sayed are the real problem.)
More recently, we’ve come to understand that if Trump does insane, it might not be that he didn’t have any babysitters, but rather that he had his most favorite, most special, most BEST BABYSITTER EVARRRRRRR babysitter Natalie, the one who honks horns and throws the squeaky toy and puts peanut butter inside his Kong and just gets him alllllll riled up right before bed.
Posting imbecilic AI dictator slop porn pics of himself looking over “his hemisphere,” now that the baby has been tricked into believing he signed a “new” deal regarding Greenland? Well, she’s been with him all weekend, so it’s entirely possible she found that for him yesterday.
HONK HONK! SQUEAK SQUEAK! YOU HUNGRY, MISTER PRESIDENT? YOU HUNGRY? WANT TO GO FOR A RIDE IN THE C-A-R?
She was with him at Camp David, and she came back early with him from that trip too, because of course she did. Important national security needs that only Natalie can attend to. She didn’t have to ride back in the trunk or the wheel well of the plane either, she got to ride back in a separate helicopter with Trump’s other buttsniffer and onetime co-indictee Walt Nauta. (The way Trump has a physical need to always be surrounded by the exact same familiar faces tells you a lot about his mental fitness.)
Now it’s being reported in the Wall Street Journal that a big part of why Trump had a temper tantrum and banned CNN, MS NOW and Politico from the White House last week is because Natalie, well, she got him all riled up. This comes immediately after reporting in Politico that it was lack of a babysitter that led to the ban, with Chief of Staff Susie Wiles being out of town.
Which is it? Is it no babysitter? Or is it BEST BABYSITTER EVARRRRRR?
Same diff.
You see, as WSJ tells it, Trump has been very upset that nobody is calling him “SIR, SIR!” with tears in their eyes, thanking him for destroying the Kennedy Center with his tiny hands and his ginormously pathetic ego. Nobody likes it. People who like the arts don’t like it, judges don’t like it, everybody seems to be under the impression that everything he touches dies, just because of how everything he touches dies.
And then on Friday, BEST BABYSITTER EVARRRRR, well, she got him all riled up:
[H]is frustrations reached a fever pitch on Friday, when one of his closest aides, Natalie Harp, showed him clips of anchors on the cable network MS NOW criticizing his administration, according to people familiar with the matter. Hours later, Trump banned the network and two other news organizations from the White House.
And here you thought she only scratched his belly and talked baby-talk to him.
WSJ basically confirms what Politico had earlier reported, that Susie Wiles was out of town. Also, Karoline Leavitt is gone now. But Natalie isn’t gone.
Did he think it through? He did not think it through:
One senior administration official reacted with exasperation to the decision, arguing that the move would do little to achieve the president’s goal of improving press coverage.
Both outlets suggest that aides are frustrated as hell about this, and that many of them were completely blindsided. They know it won’t actually help matters. And when you’re racking up big loser losses at the rate Trump is right now, the last thing he needs is more self-inflicted own-goals.
In related news, CNN, MS NOW and Politico have announced they will be suing the living shit out of Trump over this. Even wingnuts like Ari Fleischer and Fox News personalities have come out against Trump’s impulse decision.
Also:
But the BEST BABYSITTER EVARRR is jangling those keys for him, and that’s all that matters.
Who’s a good boy! Who’s a good boy!
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Trump acronyms -
TACO - Trump Always Chickens Out
NACHO -- Not A Chance Hormuz Opens
EMPANADA - Everybody Makes Promises And Nobody Delivers Anything
and
TAMALES - Trump Always Plays Games And Leaves Everyone Shafted
Fuck. I'm tired of this Natalie Harpy character.
Meanwhile, I have the world's worst brainworm: The Barnaby Jones theme.
Even Lewis is disgusted with me this morning.
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