UK's King Charles III, Queen Camilla Arrive To Charm Trump Into Being Less Of Daft Prat
Maybe even for four whole days!
Heavy is the head of the man forced to go to Washington DC and try to talk President Donald John Trump down from his Iran-attacking, Russia-hugging, NATO-hating, world-pariah-dom frenzy! And from Monday until Thursday, that head shall be King Charles III’s, he has tootled over for a state visit. And at 3 p.m., Charles is scheduled to make history as the second British monarch who has addressed Congress since his Mummy did in 1991, and then heading to a state dinner in the evening.
YAS, KING.
Watch the show live below, God willing:
Never mind that maybe the whole visit should have been delayed for a security review following Saturday night’s melee at the Hinckley Hilton. But tumblin’ Trump picked himself off, dusted off his rug, and immediately took to the nearest keyboard, podium, and phone line to direct attention to his grievances.
PREVIOUSLY!
Short version of relevant part: Unless you want BUNKER BABY to die to death, he needs his ballroom, and FUCK NATO for not offering up the HELP in Iran he never needed AND DOES NOT NEED actually yet asked NATO for, but just as a shit-test, and p.s., Europe is all a bunch of pussy losers, fuck James Comey, fuck any laws that might keep secret courts and FISA from spying on everybody, fuck Ruthless Records and fuck Eazy-E! GIVE BUNKER BABY BALLROOM!
But Trump only meant, like, UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer. That guy, for that jerk Trump will maybe tear up the UNFAIR US-UK trade deal. But not King Charles III though! Trump looooovvves himself some King Charles III. Or rawther, loves his trappings and the RIZZ he brings along! The tooty-tooting horns, the ‘fits!
Watch and hear the honkety honkety tooty toot from Monday, following the couples’ arrival from Joint Base Andrews, and before attending a garden party hosted by the British Embassy, with a guest list that included “Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, British Olympic diver Tom Daley, Rep. Nancy Pelosi and Sen. Ted Cruz, among others” (what a bunch!). Behold the rare scene of Trump standing up straight, after assertively gripping poor Charles’s tender water-colouring hand!
Not pictured, the macho planes buzzing the sky, and guns bangy-banging the air. How good he feels showing dominance over a literal king, the living human embodiment of white-man hierarchical western cultural tradition! Yet by the Trump scale, such a pussy and doing it all wrong. Trump feels like the tallest man who ever lived. It is all even better than Trump’s state visit to London in 2018, when he walked in front of Chuck’s mom Liz and crop-dusted her with his hamberder farts, or last September, when he brought one of the family’s life-long stalkers, Rupert Murdoch, along to a dinner at the family home, probably just to singe their crumpets.
Yet if anyone on earth has a shot at calming Trump to heel and making him hump right for maybe even four whole days, it is Charles, the yin to Trump’s old-family-moneyed-white-man yang. Each born with (almost) everything the other always wanted, and constitutional opposites in every way! Trump, new money motormouth striver, fighting tooth and nail his entire life so as to force as many people as possible to respect him, at the end of a sword if necessary, never able to get any closer to the British royal family than Ghislaine Maxwell before he got elected.
Then Charles, if he had been born into Fred Trump’s money, how happy and satisfied he would have been to let the piles sit and collect interest while he lived a simple lifestyle of composting, painting bales of hay, and rolling in a barn stall with the surgically un-enhanced and age-appropriate female object of his lifetime devotion! Seems not every man likes ‘em young, replenished and/or surgically enhanced, not even every rich powerful white man with the same parents from the same house. Maybe parallel-life Charles Trump could have gone No Contact with his embarrassment of an idiot-creeper younger brother Andy like Trump did with his problematic brother. Maybe Charles could have told Andy to go spend his future yuletides at some White Lotus, then held his sweet youngest boy to his bosom without all of that meddling from the racists of the firm!
They’ve been through some shit, King Charles and Queen Camilla, and still here they are, trying to distract Donald John Trump with horns, hats, dinners, and genteel garden parties before he destroys all of Iranian civilization, Western civilization, and makes everybody’s lorry-petrol cost five pounds a litre. They may be tired, but consider it their born and chosen duty before NATO, decency and/or their Anglican Lord!
One suspects Charles’s experience guiding his adult stepchildren to channel anxiety into writing, art, and farm-to-table cuisine has more to bear on his current situation than anything his Dear Mother may have ever taught him about statecraft. Sundowning Ronald Reagan is like a swing-dancing John Travolta compared to this guy.
So as for Trump’s unsettling security issues, double-C shall stiffen upper lips, ignore the fact that Charles is suffering from some sort of cancer, and press on, with stops to come in New York and Virginia, concluding Thursday.
God save the King and Queen!
*Also from 1991, a coincidence:
Prefer a non-Substack subscription? The button below will take any amount of your choosing at Paypal — let me know if you want the newsletter subscription too! Paypal won’t automatically sign you up for the newsletter! — or we have a Patreon too.
Why oh why does melania insist on wearing that ridiculous style of hat? Clearly her milliner hates her (understandably). She looks like the Hamburglar.
He's akshually King of 15 countries including that one above the meth lab.